Deaf people have a very valuable skill in lip reading. They get to 'hear' all the good swear words that are 'beeped' out of You've Been Framed. Similarly lip people can deaf read; mutes can read ears to find out what is going on. This is a very specialist skill as most mutes can hear, and deaf mutes can lip read anyway.
These skills are usually developed through cruel necessity. However, Smudge Deaf people have a very valuable skill in lip reading. They Maxwelton, a spy for MI6, developed them out of boredom. Smudge was a preternaturally gifted individual. Double first from Oxford and Cambridge in 17 subjects (per University), holder of running, jumping, throwing, shooting, swimming and snuggling World records, Grandmaster martial artist of all 1023 known styles and 2541 unknown ones, Grandmaster chess player, Grandmaster Soduku, Grandmaster Reiki and Grandmaster Flash (he DJs at weekends). Eventually, Smudge ran out of things to learn and turned his attention to ear reading.
He quickly became a Grandmaster Ear Reader and it became his obsession, discovering new principles, techniques and minutiae he took the art to new levels of understanding. One of the effects he discovered was ‘Sensory Interference from Earlobe Micro Waggle’. Whilst spying on arch nemesis Otto Von Lucifer from the obligatory position of apparent safety, he failed to notice Otto shout ‘Get that Cnut!’ point to his hiding place and the dozen armed-guards descend upon him. This was due to Otto's earlobes vibrating at very high frequency interfering with his normal sight and hearing senses. Smudge was caught and quickly dispatched, Otto being efficiently ruthless and not giving the spy the usual sporting chance to escape. This is cited as the best example of disability through ability.
Saturday, 11 July 2009
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
115 Humans/Speech/The Great Vowel Shift
No one really knows why or how the first vowel shifted. Some speculate that it was because of fashionable imitation of an admired or powerful person as is alleged to be the origin of the Spanish lisp. This is in fact the correct answer. People love to imitate and pretend to be something they are not.
The Spanish were lucky. Many now extinct tribes have copied some terrible and pernicious traits. The Hen people of Ailsa Craig, Scotland had a glorious and fabulous leader in Morag. She was kind, beautiful, intelligent and benevolent, but had a habit of pecking people on the head. One person doing this would have been fine, but the entire population decided to emulate their Queen and soon became extinct from brain aneurysms.
The Tabbies of Farne Island, England looked up to Peter the Cheetah for his wisdom, sense of justice and lithe graceful movements, but soon died out for copycatting his preponderance for late night wailing and territory marking sessions.
On Samson Island, UK the Barnetmen followed a priest named Michael Bolton to their deaths for spending too much time on their preposterously elaborate hairdos.
Perhaps the most senseless waste of life was witnessed on Goat Island, New York. The most admired person here was Brentford Ulysses Brentford Xavier Brentford Nylons the Third. He was the islands top Bladder Ball player and charming, generous and gallant to a fault. But Brent had the nasty habit of getting drunk after games and making animal shapes with his scrotum. The Bat, Bunny and Rattlesnake were great crowd pleasers but the Goat was his trademark. This involved tucking his entire package between his legs so that his member and scrunched sack could be seen protruding from his backside, vaguely resembling an annoyed ram. Once again the people of Goat Island imitated the wrong trait and soon the male islanders as a source of pride and prowess would walk about with their tackle trussed up. This severely damaged sperm production and they were wiped out within a generation.
If history teaches us anything (and it doesn’t) then it is to be yourself.
The Spanish were lucky. Many now extinct tribes have copied some terrible and pernicious traits. The Hen people of Ailsa Craig, Scotland had a glorious and fabulous leader in Morag. She was kind, beautiful, intelligent and benevolent, but had a habit of pecking people on the head. One person doing this would have been fine, but the entire population decided to emulate their Queen and soon became extinct from brain aneurysms.
The Tabbies of Farne Island, England looked up to Peter the Cheetah for his wisdom, sense of justice and lithe graceful movements, but soon died out for copycatting his preponderance for late night wailing and territory marking sessions.
On Samson Island, UK the Barnetmen followed a priest named Michael Bolton to their deaths for spending too much time on their preposterously elaborate hairdos.
Perhaps the most senseless waste of life was witnessed on Goat Island, New York. The most admired person here was Brentford Ulysses Brentford Xavier Brentford Nylons the Third. He was the islands top Bladder Ball player and charming, generous and gallant to a fault. But Brent had the nasty habit of getting drunk after games and making animal shapes with his scrotum. The Bat, Bunny and Rattlesnake were great crowd pleasers but the Goat was his trademark. This involved tucking his entire package between his legs so that his member and scrunched sack could be seen protruding from his backside, vaguely resembling an annoyed ram. Once again the people of Goat Island imitated the wrong trait and soon the male islanders as a source of pride and prowess would walk about with their tackle trussed up. This severely damaged sperm production and they were wiped out within a generation.
If history teaches us anything (and it doesn’t) then it is to be yourself.
Tuesday, 7 July 2009
114 Emotion/Controlling Emotion/Revenge
Apparently revenge is a dish best served cold. And with this in mind biochemist Kenneth Bumford paid a visit to his unfaithful boyfriend Harry Monk, armed with a canister of liquid nitrogen and administered his own ‘special frosty enema’. This was not the first time slightly dodgy advice had been misinterpreted. The surprise rimy, rectal injection caused Harry to enter a partial cryogenic suspension. Fortunately the Leidenfrost effect had Mr Monk skittering around the room on his exposed backside, like bunched drops of water on a hot frying pan, and warmed him up enough to defrost him back to life. In a freak coagulation event, bright blue ice hexagons dropped out of Harry’s chapped bottom. Intrigued by the phenomena Ken analysed the cerulean shapes at the lab and correctly identified them as the Aids virus that Harry had caught from his illicit fling. Ken had saved Harry’s life. Harry overjoyed vowed never to stray again. Ken forgave Harry and the two homosexuals adopted 7 children and lived happily ever after.
Friday, 3 July 2009
113 The Bible/Gospels/The Lost Gospel of Keith
It is not well known that many gospels did not make the final Biblical cut. There are at least a dozen gospels, including the Gospels of Thomas, Peter, Nicodemus and Mary Magdalen. The reason for this was that they contained stories that were even more embarrassingly implausible than the 4 that made it past the ecclesiastical censorship.
The worst offender was the Gospel according to Keith. Jesus and Keith were great childhood friends and inseparable. He would persuade Jesus to cause mischief with his divine powers.
Nails to rubber was one of their favourites, and they very much enjoyed running away from an irate, hammer wielding Joseph, who could never quite finish the wardrobe he had been working on for years.
Speaking in Lungs abused the power of omniscience and voice throwing. ‘Cut out the Rothmans Granddad!’ could be heard emanating from the rib cage of bronchitic pensioners. This was particularly unnerving for the sufferer not least because they had possessed chests, but also because they had absolutely no idea what a Rothman was 1,890 years prior to the invention of that brand of cigarette.
Walking on Daughter would see Jesus hovering above the women at the local synagogue, especially at Bat Mitzvahs.
Water to swine was one of Keith’s too.
Keith laments in his gospel that Jesus changed for the worst when he found religion and their fun loving relationship was lost forever. He also gripes that Jesus never gave him due credit for the ideas that he later developed and used to convert people. Especially the Healing Pig Tree. Not surprisingly Keith’s writings were ‘mislaid’ along with the Women Are Better Than Men Scrolls.
The worst offender was the Gospel according to Keith. Jesus and Keith were great childhood friends and inseparable. He would persuade Jesus to cause mischief with his divine powers.
Nails to rubber was one of their favourites, and they very much enjoyed running away from an irate, hammer wielding Joseph, who could never quite finish the wardrobe he had been working on for years.
Speaking in Lungs abused the power of omniscience and voice throwing. ‘Cut out the Rothmans Granddad!’ could be heard emanating from the rib cage of bronchitic pensioners. This was particularly unnerving for the sufferer not least because they had possessed chests, but also because they had absolutely no idea what a Rothman was 1,890 years prior to the invention of that brand of cigarette.
Walking on Daughter would see Jesus hovering above the women at the local synagogue, especially at Bat Mitzvahs.
Water to swine was one of Keith’s too.
Keith laments in his gospel that Jesus changed for the worst when he found religion and their fun loving relationship was lost forever. He also gripes that Jesus never gave him due credit for the ideas that he later developed and used to convert people. Especially the Healing Pig Tree. Not surprisingly Keith’s writings were ‘mislaid’ along with the Women Are Better Than Men Scrolls.
Wednesday, 1 July 2009
112 Law/EU Bureaucracy/Song Lyrics
After 31 December 2009, it will become illegal to make any mention of feet and inches, pounds and ounces, pints and gallons in activities relating to economics, health, safety, administration and song lyrics. This is good and bad news. The ever emotive ‘the pounding of my heart’ becomes the sanitised ‘ the 453.59237 gramming of my heart’. However the Rolling Stones are ‘pleased in principle’ at their future name change to The Rolling 6.35 kilograms, and the Italian crooner Paolo Conte will provide great hilarity as he tries to get his latin tongue around ‘Happy 30.48 centimetres’.
The band ‘Nine Inch Nails’ has had a mare. A nail is 1/16th of a yard. They are not happy and have asked if they can combine and round up to the slightly more simple 0.04 metres.
The front man of the Pogues, Shane McGowan, is furious. He is no longer allowed to say firkin and has to use 318.2 litres instead.
The esoteric post rock madness art band ‘Bushel Bovate Barleycorn and the Butt Hundred Weight Ounce Pints’ are as pleased as Punch, as their name works out to be the very cool ‘Mega Mole’, which saves them loads on printing costs. By extraordinary coincidence, Mega Mole’s imperial unit obsessed lyrics translate into beautiful sonnets that have been hailed as the modern Shakespeare and sales of their 16 concept albums are set to soar in 2010.
The band ‘Nine Inch Nails’ has had a mare. A nail is 1/16th of a yard. They are not happy and have asked if they can combine and round up to the slightly more simple 0.04 metres.
The front man of the Pogues, Shane McGowan, is furious. He is no longer allowed to say firkin and has to use 318.2 litres instead.
The esoteric post rock madness art band ‘Bushel Bovate Barleycorn and the Butt Hundred Weight Ounce Pints’ are as pleased as Punch, as their name works out to be the very cool ‘Mega Mole’, which saves them loads on printing costs. By extraordinary coincidence, Mega Mole’s imperial unit obsessed lyrics translate into beautiful sonnets that have been hailed as the modern Shakespeare and sales of their 16 concept albums are set to soar in 2010.
Tuesday, 30 June 2009
111 Sport/Dangerous Sports/Extreme Explanation
Explaining the rules of cricket in Japanese to a scaffolder on his tea break is one of the most hazardous things a person can attempt. And for this reason it attracts only a limited number of danger junkies. The idea is to have the worker put down his brew and say ‘Ah-So!’ in an exclamation of far eastern enlightenment. However, ‘Ar5ehole!’ and a beating are more usual.
Extreme Explanation (EE) started with Richard Taut to help him get through the terrors of teaching at inner city schools. Dick’s speciality was ‘Agro Algebra’ and he could easily get across the salient points of quadratic equations whilst dodging phlegm and sharpened compasses. At the height of his game he could make even the most delinquent pre-pubescent understand axiomatic algebraic systems and their topological applications. This later caused Billy ‘Battery Acid’ Bateman great consternation as he suddenly started contemplating the axiom of the empty cash register as he held up the Welcome Break at South Mimms service area at junction 23 on the M25 Motorway.
Like all extreme sports there are casualties and the EE community are praying hard for Jacob Funt who attempted the ‘Pain’ gambit. The task was to explain to his wife why biologically women can endure more pain than men and so are best equipped to give birth. He undertook this 18 hours into her protracted and very unpleasant labour. The ensuing verbal torrent would have made a Regimental Sergeant Major dressed as a Goth blush, and caused severe psychological scarring to the Midwives present. It is unknown what the effect on Jacob was, due to the coma it induced. Mother and baby are doing fine.
Extreme Explanation (EE) started with Richard Taut to help him get through the terrors of teaching at inner city schools. Dick’s speciality was ‘Agro Algebra’ and he could easily get across the salient points of quadratic equations whilst dodging phlegm and sharpened compasses. At the height of his game he could make even the most delinquent pre-pubescent understand axiomatic algebraic systems and their topological applications. This later caused Billy ‘Battery Acid’ Bateman great consternation as he suddenly started contemplating the axiom of the empty cash register as he held up the Welcome Break at South Mimms service area at junction 23 on the M25 Motorway.
Like all extreme sports there are casualties and the EE community are praying hard for Jacob Funt who attempted the ‘Pain’ gambit. The task was to explain to his wife why biologically women can endure more pain than men and so are best equipped to give birth. He undertook this 18 hours into her protracted and very unpleasant labour. The ensuing verbal torrent would have made a Regimental Sergeant Major dressed as a Goth blush, and caused severe psychological scarring to the Midwives present. It is unknown what the effect on Jacob was, due to the coma it induced. Mother and baby are doing fine.
Monday, 29 June 2009
110 Humans/Needs/Drugs
Humans have been using medication to lift their spirits for millennia. More people die in one day from alcohol abuse than the combined annual deaths from pot, shrooms, ecstasy and acid. About the same number that die in 1 week from cocaine. Obviously the government’s war on drugs is working by reducing the menu of drugs available and encouraging people to take the more destructive and expensive substances.
On the plus side certain species are getting high for free. Jaguars, lemurs and bees love getting mashed. They chew bark, suck on millipedes, and even eat each other’s wax in pursuit of getting wasted. No fancy cocktails and dwarfs carrying bowls of processed coca leaves for these hardcore party animals.
In short we have forgotten how to do it properly. The media fill our heads with images of exotic bars, glamorous rock stars and gorgeous coke whores. People need a lesson from Agues McCatheter, Scotland’s premier tramp. No one knows the age of Agues, as he has always existed, but he looks about 59. McCatheter is completely resistant to the usual effects of alcohol and often uses it to sober up. His favourite tipple is his own urine; generations of Trampdom has produced a self-reliant species, his internal organs having evolved so as to turn any liquid into an intoxicant. On particularly heavy sessions Agues can be seen sobering up on the Diamond White and Tallisker at his local wine shop, Thrashers. Soon his golden elixir is flowing and mayhem ensues. On his last binge he was able to be ‘Best Pals’ with the whole of England and half of Wales, an incredible feat for a Scot. So intense was his experience that he completely skipped the ‘domestic violence’ and ‘the self-loathing, I love you, I’ll never do it again’ phases and settle nicely into reminiscing about 70’s television programs. Not since the Sag brothers (See 82 Humanity/Vanity/Plastic Surgery) has a town witness such bizarre high jinx. In 5 amphetaminesque hours he had shrunk 14 Churches and with ingenious application of super glue replaced them with 40-foot high ‘Towers of Cow’. He still had time to thrill the Turkish population of Aberdeen by eating a year’s supply of doner kebabs; the resulting ‘Tower of Salad’ exceeded the cows by 8ft. When the fight stage finally took hold, McCatheter created a mini Amsterdam in Scotland with loads of nakedness and windmills.
On the plus side certain species are getting high for free. Jaguars, lemurs and bees love getting mashed. They chew bark, suck on millipedes, and even eat each other’s wax in pursuit of getting wasted. No fancy cocktails and dwarfs carrying bowls of processed coca leaves for these hardcore party animals.
In short we have forgotten how to do it properly. The media fill our heads with images of exotic bars, glamorous rock stars and gorgeous coke whores. People need a lesson from Agues McCatheter, Scotland’s premier tramp. No one knows the age of Agues, as he has always existed, but he looks about 59. McCatheter is completely resistant to the usual effects of alcohol and often uses it to sober up. His favourite tipple is his own urine; generations of Trampdom has produced a self-reliant species, his internal organs having evolved so as to turn any liquid into an intoxicant. On particularly heavy sessions Agues can be seen sobering up on the Diamond White and Tallisker at his local wine shop, Thrashers. Soon his golden elixir is flowing and mayhem ensues. On his last binge he was able to be ‘Best Pals’ with the whole of England and half of Wales, an incredible feat for a Scot. So intense was his experience that he completely skipped the ‘domestic violence’ and ‘the self-loathing, I love you, I’ll never do it again’ phases and settle nicely into reminiscing about 70’s television programs. Not since the Sag brothers (See 82 Humanity/Vanity/Plastic Surgery) has a town witness such bizarre high jinx. In 5 amphetaminesque hours he had shrunk 14 Churches and with ingenious application of super glue replaced them with 40-foot high ‘Towers of Cow’. He still had time to thrill the Turkish population of Aberdeen by eating a year’s supply of doner kebabs; the resulting ‘Tower of Salad’ exceeded the cows by 8ft. When the fight stage finally took hold, McCatheter created a mini Amsterdam in Scotland with loads of nakedness and windmills.
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