Tuesday 30 December 2008

27 NOBLE ACTS/GIVING TO CHARITY/THE LOTTERY

Judging by the majority of lottery winners to hit the jackpot you have to be over 50, overweight, more or less deformed, have four teeth and earn less than £10,000 per annum. You have to be willing to spend at least 40% of your income playing the game. You also have to be an intellectual schizophrenic; stupid enough to have your photograph taken with a big cheque but bright enough to understand the complex rules of Powerball, Lotto Extra, Thunderball and a myriad of instant win games. Such a person cannot possibly exist. The odds of winning the lottery are approximately 14 million to one. Imagine having a deck of cards with only one ace. If you cut to the ace you win. The lottery is a deck of cards 4,000 meters high. That is roughly 3 times the height of Ben Nevis, the highest mountain in the United Kingdom. No one would decide on a Saturday night to climb Ben Nevis because they think the ace is somewhere near the top and attempt to cut to it, not even a crazy, attention seeking American illusionist. If this were the scenario Ant and Dec would be even more popular than they are now, especially in winter. So the only explanation for anyone playing the lottery is the goodness of mankind. Man simple wants to donate to charity. And that is heart warming.

26 JOBS/SERVICE INDUSTRY/HAIR DRESSERS

There are 2 categories of hairdresser: good and bad. Not in terms of cutting hair. Most creatures with opposable thumbs can cut hair. It is not rocket science. The division occurs in terms of chat. Good barbers should have known the Kray twins and have acted as their ‘persuader’ whilst giving wet shaves to their enemies. They use terms like ‘something for the weekend’ ‘Nancy boy’ and ‘when I was in the SAS’. Good tonsorial artists never ask where you are going on holiday, how your day has been, or for your opinion on Deirdre Barlow. They also never chew gum and look out of the window when they cut your hair. The only range of hair styling product they sell is shampoo and maybe a tonic involving bay rum. These would not involve plant extracts, purifying agents, or pseudo science. Aloe Vera is a greeting to these artisans.
As with barmen there is no such thing as a good Antipodean hairdresser.

Monday 29 December 2008

25 PASTIMES/ENTERTAINMENT/POLE DANCING BARS

These are one of the few places where everyone in the establishment is a winner. The ecdysiast earns a very good living by expressing herself through the medium of erotic dance. The client is provided with a place to sober up before going home. The DJ gets to cop a free look while playing shortened versions of Prince and Britney Spears hits. The management are pleased because they are making money and don’t have to listen to full-length versions of those songs.
The least successful erotica emporium was the Gyrating Mongoose. This experimented with Progressive rock concepts. The shortest song on the play list was Grendel by Marillion coming in at a trifling 17 minutes 40 seconds. The longest is still playing even though the club closed 10 years ago.
The most successful club is The Naughty Boy, You Ought to Know Better. At the Naughty Boy highly educated bouncers embarrass prospective punters into going home and getting a good nights sleep. The would be clientele are so impressed with the door men’s arguments that they feel obliged to hand over the exact amount of money they would have spent if they were allowed in. In fact most leave a generous tip by way of thanks. The dancers are given the money they would have earned and display and practice their art in front of the DJ. The waiting list for the DJ job at the Naughty Boy is very long.

24 PASTIMES/PORNOGRAPHY/TRANSVESTITE WEBSITES

These websites are very popular because they straddle homosexual and heterosexual preferences. Is a transvestite a bloke with breasts or a girl with girth? Is it Hunks with Humps, or Sluts with Nuts? Mammary Man or Dick Chick? It also captures the ‘Not Sure’ market, and in that respect provides a very valuable service of sexual resolution. So if you are watching a Tranny movie and think to yourself, ‘Splendid! That girl is getting a good portion from that bloke and there is an extra pair of breasts to look at!’ there is a good chance you are heterosexual. Conversely, if you think, ‘That girl has got a fabulous member, wasted on that other bitch’ then your next pair of hot pants should be by Calvin Klein or possibly Jean Paul Gaultier. A similar line of logic can be followed if you think you may be a Lesbian.

Tuesday 23 December 2008

23 PASTIMES/SECRET SOCIETIES/FREEMASONS

Freemasonry gets a bad press and not surprisingly when they issue statements like, ‘We are not a secret society, but a society with secrets’. They are to be pitied. If you want to join a secret society try the Illuminati; great name, mysterious and with a hint of Italian chic. Not a society that sounds as if it might give away bricks as a special joining incentive. Better still make up one of your own and don’t tell anyone about it. The most secret society ever was the Order of the Blood Creed. Arthur Ravenclaw founded this during his stay at the Twilight Home for Elderly Gentlemen, Wigan. He never told a soul about it. Arthur suffered from Alzheimer’s and promptly forgot the elaborate initiation ceremonies involving dwarfs and hammocks, and also the ultimate secret of the Universe, which was a pity because it was a good one. He also forgot completely about the whole thing. A great shame, but he still has fun hiding his own Easter eggs.
Freemasonry is like golf. Pointless. The McDonalds of pastimes; there is always something better.

22 LIFE/STAGES/MID LIFE CRISIS

The male of the species practices for the mid-life crisis from the day he is born. The fascination for fast cars, women out of his league, appalling dance moves, terrible fashion sense and the disproportionate belief in his own abilities have always been there. It just takes on average 40 years to hone these ‘skills’, and then apply them to ludicrous effect. Women are far more sensible and their crisis is over and done with in 35 minutes with a gentle bit of sobbing and a lot of chocolate.
The earliest male mid life crisis reported was that of George Masters, Nuneaton and Bedworth, England. George was 8 years old when his arrived. He pimped his Chopper bicycle, grew his hair like Peter Stringfellow (no mean feat to get that dried, over treated, preposterous weave look) and invented dance moves that to this day encourage quadriplegics to give walking a go. Fortunately for George, puberty arrived 7 years later and the more healthy pursuits of teenage depression, paranoia, angst, and the Freeman’s catalogue underwear section took hold. George is now a well-adjusted 45-year-old member of society that enjoys freemasonry and golf.

Monday 22 December 2008

21 PASTIMES/SPORT/ATHLETICS

Every day in the national press the population of the planet have to listen to aggrieved athletes complaining that their lottery grants and government awards are not enough for them to continue their dream. Here's some news for them. Athletics is shit. It's so shit that even the BBC have managed to keep television rights to it. And unless Belfour Beatty have branched out into human cloning by the time this blog is published, building a new 40000 all-seater stadium in East London isn't going to help either. The athletics authorities have to work with the changing times and relax their overly-stringent drugs laws. The crowds would pile back in numbers to see the women’s cocaine bob-sleigh or the men’s senior heroin javelin, and although the dope decathlon may drag on a bit, the speedball 110m hurdles would be over in the blink of a dilated eye-lid, and let's face it, who wouldn't tune in to Sky Sports 1 to see the highly awaited international woman’s crack-wh0re heptathlon.

20 ELECTRONICS/GADGETS/MOBILE PHONES

Ever wondered how mobile phones went from the size of a small terraced house in Barnsley to something you can slip into your pocket? Miniaturization, pure and simple. No alien spacecraft crash-landed and we culled its technology. Humans are not that clever. Man was once telepathic and didn’t need mobile phones to tell the wife he’d be late home from the Mastodon hunt. But humans like making hard work and re-inventing the wheel so inevitably they lost that ability to make room for mobile phones. Incidentally he used to be able to teleport too, that’s how the wheel came about. The conversation went something like this:
God: Everything all right mate?
Man: Not really something is missing.
God: So telepathy, teleportation, infinite love, abundance, happiness and angel cake not enough for you then?
Man: No. Her indoors wants some excitement; something to moan about and I wouldn’t mind a bigger cock or a fast car.
God: You ungrateful Git. I’ll learn you.
God then washed his hands of man and told some naughty aliens about bagpipes and golf.

19 PASTIMES/SPORT/GOLF

Golf is a sport played by utter bromides. It doesn’t take a genius to conclude this. Look at the dress code, the vehicles in the car parks and the middle under manager type of personality drawn to the game. It is thought that Golf originated in Scotland, China or France. The game in fact originated with naughty space aliens.
Pleased with their success in giving the ancient Greeks the bagpipes in the 5th century BC, they thought they would try their luck and introduce Golf as another comedic ruse. In the following trial of cruelty towards a developing species, the aliens defence was to claim that they didn’t think anything could be stupid enough to take the game seriously. They were found guilty of extreme truculence and sentenced to death. Measures where taken to rectify the situation and obliterate any trace of golf from Earth, but mankind’s propensity for the ridiculous was under estimated, and golf survived. After billions of Galactic pounds (at today's exchange rate 1 Galactic pound = 1 trillion pounds sterling) were spent and many centuries devoted to righting a grave wrong, the Council of the Universe gave up. They resurrected the aliens responsible and apologised for executing them in the first place. All other alien life forms have been told not to contact Earth until it grows up and bans the game of golf.

18 FOOD/DIARY/CHEESE

Cheese is the Devil’s work. It is essentially mammalian secretion and bacteria poo. No one in their right mind would consider eating this, but it remains fiendishly delicious and so people do. All lactations have at one time been made into cheese, including human breast milk, which is very popular with the Royal Family. The most common cheese is The Cheddar; the most rare is Chicken Cheese. Contrary to popular belief chickens have nipples. These are incredibly small and difficult to find, and even harder to milk. Chickens have wings and beaks and they hurt. In Roman times a slave could buy his freedom with an ounce of Chicken Cheese, and many died trying. Surprisingly Chicken Cheese does not taste like chicken.

17 PASTIMES/ENTERTAINMENT/SOAP OPERAS

Soap Operas are the modern day Shakespeare. It is a very powerful form of television, entertainment that unites a nation. Soap operas can be so powerful that in 1990 during the finale of the Eastenders Dot Cotton poisoning plot, the Bard himself materialized in the front room of No.11 Nettlecombe Avenue, Portsmouth. Shakespeare then proceeded to throw a Marks and Spencer ready meal for one at the television, shouting, “Gadzooks! Nick my son you is going darn!”
The current world energy crisis is just a governmental conspiracy to keep the proletariat distracted. The truth is that reruns of Crossroads are on standby to be plugged into the National Grid if a shortage occurs. One episode of a wheelchair bound Sandy pining after Miss Diane provides enough energy to keep the kebab shops in South Wales open for business on a Saturday night. An Eastenders Omnibus can power London for a day, and any scene where Deirdre Barlow is seen flexing her neck is equivalent to 20 medium sized wind farms.
Interestingly, Hollyoaks is the only soap that takes energy away from the grid.

16 TRANSPORT/PUBLIC TRANSPORT/TRAINS

A very convenient and pleasant mode of transport. However, it can go wrong. Occasionally there maybe trouble makers on board. These fall into two categories; fat people and baldies. Fat people are partially responsible for lack of seating and totally responsible for any bad smells. Baldies are partially responsible for lack of seating, all violence and most delays. Ergonomists these days have highly sophisticated analytical tools to work out how to load a train. However, due to governmental political correctness, the 'fat-bastard' algorithm has been removed, rendering it impossible to seat all passengers. The space occupied by a fat person is 3.8 seats; 1.5 for the person, 0.5 for the gravitational event horizon (no one wants to be sucked into a fat person), and 0.8 for the snack hamper. A bald person takes up 2 seats; 1 for him and 1 for his imaginary friend. If these people were made to walk, the fat person would lose weight and the fresh air would calm down the bald person. Both would eventually be allowed back, and trains would be splendid.

15 PASTIMES/ENTERTAINMENT/THE ROYAL FAMILY

The only way to survive this German weapon is to treat it as entertainment. It would wipe the floor at the BAFTA's if this were the case. Plot lines as intricate as Bet Lynch’s Beehive. Death, incest, comedy, pathos, tension, irony, and that is just Princess Anne’s teeth. In recent years young aspiring actors have recognized this fact and have attempted to join the cast, the most successful being Princess Diana of Hearts (played by actress Diane Spencer, Frank’s niece). She had to be written out as she got a bit cocky and demanded too high a fee for subsequent episodes. Analogies can be drawn between characters of popular soaps and members of the Royal Family.
The Queen – Rita, Coronation Street.
Prince Phillip – Alf Garnet, Till death us do part.
Prince Charles – For many years Benny from Crossroads, but since the ‘I want to be your tampon’ episode Dirty Den, Eastenders.
Princess Anne – Olive from On the Buses.
Prince William – Bob Hope from Emmerdale.
The Royal Family has not been declared entertainment for tax reasons.

14 EARTH/CONTINENTS/ANTARCTICA

The popular belief that no claims of ownership are recognized or denied in the icy reaches of Antarctica is actually untrue. The entire continent has been owned by the descendants of the notorious Bob 'seal basher' Philips since October 1932, when he acquired the whole area in a game of snow poker. Feeling rather guilty about the whole affair and not being particularly endowed in the brain department, Philips decided to help out the local community with their on-going temperature issues by secretly installing a gas central heating system for all residents. The resultant genocide left Philips two short for his local darts team and no other team to play anyway, so he moved back to his home town of Blackburn where he ran a local swimming pool with his wife until his death in 1967.

Friday 12 December 2008

13 MATTER/COLLECTIONS/THE UNIVERSE

The Universe is not as big as people think. The only person to nearly grasp this was Einstein when he said ‘There are only two things that are infinite, the Universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.’ In recent years physicists have got carried away with inventing all kinds of things from dark matter to cheesy strings. At the time of writing the biggest map of the Universe includes more than a million galaxies with the farthest sitting more than 5 billion light years from Earth. The Universe is in fact an illusion and is only about the size of a small haddock and roughly the same shape. It is amazing how many delusional beings can be contained in the space of a haddock.
Humans are not the most delusional race. The Iam, from the bit near where the dorsal fin starts, are a lost cause. Worse than Eskimo’s for their fascination with snow, they have an infinite amount of words for the word infinite, and spend most of their time making them up. The most enlightened race is the Horton. They are not quiet there yet. They think it’s more like a turbot.

Thursday 11 December 2008

12 ANIMALS/HUMANS/MEDIA-OCRE

The Media-Ocre is a class of humans that got more upset at the death of Princess Diana than that of Douglas Adams. If you are now wondering ‘who is Douglas Adams?’ you are in this group. It is a very powerful group that will ultimately shape the world, although through no creative reason of its own. Not unintelligent but easily manipulated through its own laziness of thought. Fed on a diet of ‘Sun Says’ editorials and ‘Reality’ TV, this group has become an intelligent puddle; pleased with itself and certain that the hole in the ground it occupies must have been designed specifically for it, since it fits so well in it, the puddle looks up to the Sun above and worships its divine benefactor. The fate of the puddle, of course, is to exist happily under the Sun until it has entirely evaporated.
For the record the Princess Diana belonged to this group and so does the Royal Family.
Any mention of public sympathy for a lost whale in the Thames is called Media-Orca. Ouch.

Wednesday 10 December 2008

11 ENTERTAINMENT/BOOKS/SHITLIT

ShitLit is a phrase coined by Mssrs Breeze and Fabric in early 2006.
It is essentially any book, normally found in the 'Humour' section of Waterstones or WH Smith, that is bought and placed in the downstairs lavatories of the middle classes.
The book has absolutely no merit save as a minor distraction whilst doing something necessary.
The book is written by a cynic to fund other more noble literary projects.
This blog could become such a tome if we could be bothered to publish, and were talented enough to write something decent.
Occasionally an author arises that is so cynical that he or she has no intention other than to infect the middle classes with mindless drivel for the sake of monetary gain.
Any book by Dan Brown falls into this category.
The children's ShitLit market has been cornered by J K Rowling.

Tuesday 9 December 2008

10 CLOTHES/ACCESSORIES/DIGITAL WATCHES

Once the dream of every schoolboy, the digital watch is now about as popular as the Gary Glitter back-catalogue. Many scholars have debated the reasons behind the virtually instant decline of the once-mighty electronic timing device but most questions remain unanswered; how do people now survive without knowing the time while 200 feet under water, what happens if it’s getting to dusk and you need a handy back-light to find your way home, what do cheap lazy uncles buy their nephews these days, and more importantly what happens if you need to do an emergency mathematical calculation while travelling on the bus? We may never know but the shock waves from the day the Casio Calculator DF342a+ first quarter sales figures first hit Reuters, or ‘Slightly Dim Wednesday’ as it was known, still reverberate around the City.
* It should be noted that ‘Slightly Dim Wednesday’ was in fact a Thursday, a discrepancy caused by the Casio CEO getting confused about how long he had to hold the middle button in to change the day, a simple mistake which had caused him to live in central European time for several months.

Monday 8 December 2008

9 ANIMALS/HUMANS/NEWLY WED COUPLES WITH UGLY BABIES

Soaked in blinkered enthusiasm, these smiling annoyances think dressing their unfortunate little offspring in a yellow bonnet and tiny George-by-ASDA trainers diverts from the fact that the creature in their pram resembles a large bunion trying to get out of an arse. Should you find yourself trapped outside Mark and Spencer’s on a Saturday morning with your car parking ticket rapidly running out, a simple method exists for escape. While you’re still stuck between pram and wall, tell them that a baby’s skin definitely shouldn't be that colour and you’re not sure but you really think thought you saw something moving under the skin on its neck; they’ll be in A&E quicker than a Yorkshire house-wife on St Patrick’s Day. Also note that the part of the brain called the ‘slop-interest sector’ is temporarily switched on, forcing the individual to rapidly detail the colour and consistency of the young child’s faeces while you’re having a quick yogurt-based snack outside Woolworths.

Friday 5 December 2008

8 FOOD/CAKES/THE BATTENBURG

If Angel Layer cake were the favourite treat of the little baby Jesus, then the Battenburg would be the preferred teatime delicacy of Satan.
It is a deceiver. It looks like Angel cake, with its ordered pink and yellow colours.
It is clever, very clever. More appealing. Its squares show more discipline than the oblongs of Angel Cake. The imaginative use of marzipan preys on the exotic fantasies of people; originating from Persia, playing the almond card and scented with rose water.
Totally beguiling.
What chance does the homely Angel Layer cake have? She waits patiently in the bread bin until the harlot’s work is complete.
One bite and the victim is gripped with revulsion. Self-loathing takes hold, and the person punishes himself by finishing the whole slice.
It is no coincidence that bitter old people pedal this abomination to young children.

Thursday 4 December 2008

7 PASTIMES/SPORT/HOPSCOTCH

Hopscotch is a cryptic real-life board game played by small girls in playgrounds. The game is played on a chalk crucifix of random numbers and consists of throwing a brick into a square then dancing around the brick until they get it wrong. Boys are forbidden from ever playing hop-scotch. The only recorded occasion that this rule was broken when Gary McFadden, a promising 12 year old schoolboy from Scotland, accidentally skipped from the number 6 to the number 4 without first passing the brick or uttering the dolly-dolly passage of rights, thus creating the mystic and feared 'hop-scotch death-drop' and caused half of Aberdeen to be sucked into a pit of black demons. At the time of writing the actual purpose of hop-scotch is unknown.

Wednesday 3 December 2008

6 ANIMALS/BIRDS/PIGEONS

The Devils Dove. The dove that lost the faith. No one likes pigeons. Not even pigeons like pigeons. That soft cooing sound they make is in fact a frenzied, speeded up version of the phrase, ‘I hate myself, I’m worthless, I’m having a bad feather day, and I’m fed up of pecking this dog urine soaked pavement’. There is no known use for a pigeon. Pigeon Pie is a made up substance designed to fool the French. It worked. Carrier Pigeons were not used during wars. Again a misinformation ruse designed to fool the Germans. This didn’t work quite so well as they retaliated with the Royal Family. The pigeon diet is anything except another pigeon, and still the French do not get it. The Dove is a pigeon with religion. This makes it a candidate for utter contempt. Good job they look nice other wise they would be extinct.

Tuesday 2 December 2008

5 PASTIMES/SPORT/RUGBY

Acting as an outlet for homosexually repressed middle management to crawl between each others thighs in the name of masculinity, rugby was created as an offshoot of football by a skill-lacking public school individual who decided to pick up the ball and run instead of kicking it. Tell your children to try this next PE lesson and see where it gets them. Rugby is a very good way for over-weight and/or over-muscular forty year olds to kick the crap out of each other for an hour on a cow field every Sunday morning. Honestly, there is nothing impressive about having a bloated elephantiasis ear caused by the consistent rubbing on large men’s thighs. Rugby is only allowed to be played by the upper middle classes and includes a traditional post-match shower room bottom-touching contest and for away games, players are encouraged to squash their bloated penises against the mini-bus window in the direction of schoolgirls buses for full motorway effect. Played with a ball that doesn't even roll properly and most famous rugby players are somehow linked to the royal family
Girls play a non-contact variant called touch-rugby, which totally misses the point and is useless

Monday 1 December 2008

4 JOBS/MESSENGERS/CYCLE COURIERS

In the Thatcher years a load of lunatics were let out onto the streets of Britain in the name of statistics. After a brief spell of Tenants Super addiction the majority settled down and got jobs as pedal bike couriers. Disguised by heavy use of Lycra and fashionable eye wear they still reveal themselves by the familiar utterances of the insane.
Common phrases include:
‘Get out the fckin way Wankaah!’
Keyunt! You fckin blind or summin?’
Keyunting Cab Driver. Look what you’ve done to my bike.’
All these expressions are impossible to decipher due to the extreme Doppler shift. Particularly the last one as the final word is muffled by the impact of the rider and his subsequent death. All cycle couriers live in cardboard boxes under railway bridges and sleep with their bikes. Their diet is rich in Lucozade sport and tuna melt. Non are wealthy as they die before they can cash their pay cheques. Courier companies however are.
An area of high courier concentration is easily identified by the calling card left on the backs of unsuspecting pedestrians. In the same way that pigeons decorate statues with fecal matter, couriers decorate pedestrians with phlegm.