16 TRANSPORT/PUBLIC TRANSPORT/TRAINS

A very convenient and pleasant mode of transport. However, it can go wrong. Occasionally there maybe trouble makers on board. These fall into two categories; fat people and baldies. Fat people are partially responsible for lack of seating and totally responsible for any bad smells. Baldies are partially responsible for lack of seating, all violence and most delays. Ergonomists these days have highly sophisticated analytical tools to work out how to load a train. However, due to governmental political correctness, the 'fat-bastard' algorithm has been removed, rendering it impossible to seat all passengers. The space occupied by a fat person is 3.8 seats; 1.5 for the person, 0.5 for the gravitational event horizon (no one wants to be sucked into a fat person), and 0.8 for the snack hamper. A bald person takes up 2 seats; 1 for him and 1 for his imaginary friend. If these people were made to walk, the fat person would lose weight and the fresh air would calm down the bald person. Both would eventually be allowed back, and trains would be splendid.