Thursday 26 February 2009

68 HUMANS/POLITICS/DICTATORS

Today’s mass murdering, despotic, totalitarian git is tomorrow’s Nobel Peace Prize winning visionary. However, a few push the envelope too far and end up with the sobriquet of Dictator. These people create a cult of personality, give themselves ludicrously long titles and try to kill as many people as possible.
Stalin is widely considered to hold the record for democide at 43 million souls, but on an annualised basis this only equates to 1.48 million for every year in power. In the Tyrant Top Ten the number one slot goes to a woman, Empress Dowager Cixi with 2.4 million dissenters per year. This is the reason that women should not be allowed to drive a country, indeed not allowed to drive anything. For about 7 days a month they get a bit irritable and murderous. For 25% of the year women can be a tad tetchy and homicidal. When confronted with this alarming irascibility (obviously during the safe three quarters of the year) the response is a flippant ‘Yeah, Sorry about that.’ – not the sort of defence that holds any water in a Human Rights Violation Trial.
Idi Amin had one the most ridiculous titles: ‘His Excellency President for Life Field Marshal Al Hadji Dr. Idi Amin, VC, DSO, MC, King of Scotland Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular’. Empress Cixi prefered the more modern title of ‘Mother Bitch’.

Wednesday 25 February 2009

67 PUZZLES/MYSTERIES/THE VURP

Sometimes a human will belch so violently that a small piece of vomit will pop up into the mouth. This will be swallowed back down with a slight grimace. If however the Vurper was asked to spit the piece out into a sterile cup and then told to swallow it back down, that grimace would turn to a facial deformity that would make Ross Kemp sleep with the light on. It is a puzzle, same piece of vomit, same temperature, consistency, texture, smell and taste, yet as soon as it leaves the body it becomes a thing of total revulsion.
Ear wax too, a person would be happy to poke around with a cotton bud, but if you asked that person to introduce the wax to the body orally, they would rather introduce their grandparents to Harold Shipman.
Semen tends to prompt a mixed reaction, ranging from surprise to ecstasy, depending on gender of the consumer and the origin of the white hot love lava.
Fanny batter in the heat of the moment is delicious but you wouldn’t want to sip it cold. Even Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall would pass that one up, ‘Placenta marinated in tepid bile any day, but fanny batter straight from the fridge, are you off your rocker?’
Spittle is a strange one. Kissing with tongues is very popular in most cultures, but gobbing into a loved one’s mouth from a distance isn’t.
Semi dried mucus in the form of nasal detritus is about the only bodily secretion that has universal recognition as a tasty snack.

Tuesday 24 February 2009

66 SKILLS/COMBAT/MARTIAL ARTS

Globally there are over 1000 martial art styles in 29 countries, from Aikido to Xingyiquan. So who is the Daddy? All styles share a common goal: to defeat a person physically or to defend oneself from physical threat, and to develop the practitioner personally, mentally and spiritually. So with this as the criteria Jumble-Jitsu comes top.
This system, developed by Enid Butterworth at the beginning of World War II, arose from Enid’s austere experiences of rationing. The British Ministry of Food introduced rationing in January 1940 and it did not end until 1954. This provided Enid with 14 bitter years of hard fighting on the streets of East London. Like many Grand Masters before, Sensei Butterworth achieved enlightenment by battling her demon of chronic addiction. The path of excess leads to the Tower of Wisdom. Her obsession was not the glamorous Far Eastern heroin or opium dependence, but that of Victoria Sponge cake, a key ingredient of which is jam and eggs. The standard ration contained just 2 oz of jam and 1 egg, enough to make one cake every 3 weeks. At the beginning of the war she had a 4 cake a day habit, and this proved a problem. She developed a system to train her senses to detect diary and sugar based products from large distances. A rigorous physical and acrobatic training regime helped keep her fit and supple in order to manoeuvre herself to the front of any queue, and also to keep her weight down. Complex bartering equations kept her mind sharp and lithe; 1 wool jumper = 3 eggs and 4oz of jam, 2 pairs of knickers will get half a cake, if they are soiled and the Yanks are in town they could possibly fetch 3 whole Victorias with extra cream. Rumour has it that she could predict the delivery of butter and eggs to within seconds, and her elbows were so sharp and lightening quick that the mere act of rolling up her sleeves was enough to deter even the most ardent Jumble Sale goer.
She achieved enlightenment and freedom from her addiction in 1965, whilst queuing for the Harrod’s sale. As usual she was at the front of the line, running through her litanies, focusing her mind, the prize a rare cashmere sweater for the bargain price of 1 shilling. Eyewitnesses claim that a bright light surrounded Enid and a halo appeared above her head. She began to levitate and the cashmere sweater materialised beneath her feet, followed by 888 Victoria Sponge Cakes which, realising she was finally free of her curse, she distributed to the tired and hungry crowd. The mountain had come to Mohammed. She continued to train other housewives in the art of Jumble-Jitsu until she was called to the Great Bric-a-Brac in the Sky. As so often happens, the system has since been diluted by people’s egos. Jumble-Jitsu is now called Car-Boot-Do, and while an effective fighting art, is a mere Bakelite tea tray to Enid’s pure porcelain preaching.

Monday 23 February 2009

65 SKILLS/LINGUISTICS/BARTERING

The most skilled negotiator in the world was Susan Shostakovich. Experts agree that negotiation is a highly complex and valuable talent. Susan knew her art implicitly. She understood the many approaches; Advocate’s, Win/Win and Emotional Focus. She was a virtuoso in planning and preparation, setting the tone, exploring underlying needs, selecting, refining and crafting an agreement. Ms Shostakovich was a tactical genius that could deploy many techniques with devastating effect. Good Guy/Bad Guy, Limited authority, Deadlines, Caucusing, Walking out, Concession patterns, High balls, Low balls, Intimidation, Fait accompli, Rejection, Demands and Pre-conditions were her weapons of mass destruction. However, what really set Susan apart from the crowd was the use of her chronic lisp. From the very first introductions as Susan Shostakovich proudly lisped her name, making the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami look like a slightly leaky tap, she would have the higher (and dryer) ground.
The opposition would be so disarmed, surprised and drenched that clear rational thought was impossible. They would usually spend the rest of the negotiations subtly wiping spectacles, brushing clothing and smoothing down hair, barely contributing to the dispute resolution. They would normally rapidly agree to the most outrageous demands just to get away from the spittle soaked negotiating table.
Unfortunately Susan met her nemesis in January 2005 when negotiating against Peter Fisher on behalf of Allied Seepage Inc. The process lasted a record breaking 7 days 13 hours and 4 minutes. Mr Fisher had a secret fetish, Watersports, and was really enjoying the shower. As a matter or pride Susan lisped on, oblivious to Peter’s dark passion. She died of dehydration. Peter Fisher died 2 weeks later of a broken heart, knowing that he would never again meet anyone who understood his needs more than Susan.

Tuesday 17 February 2009

64 HUMANS/PROBLEMS/NIPPLE CONFIDENCE

All people suffer from surprise nipple erections. Loose fitting shirts and the anatomical size of the male nipple inhibits its display, and is usually restricted to outings at garish Gay Pride Parades or butch building sites. The female nipple however is a different beast, and can be encouraged to grow to monstrous proportions. Women in tight fitting tops can look as if they are smuggling mint imperials or planning to crotchet a crafty jumper, a problem that can cause consternation to the owner. What is the correct way to deal with this; brazen or bashful? Brazen is always best; they are out, so what, they will get tired soon and have a little lie down, end of drama. However, this isn’t always easy to pull off, especially if lactating. So numerous devices have been invented to hide the embarrassment:
Cardigan Cover Up (CCU) – Right hand covers right nipple with right cardigan edge, body turns to shield left from familiar ‘nipple gaze’. This is done without looking down, allowing the gazer to be met with the ‘Pervert! I’m calling the Police’ stare as he looks up.
Crossed Arm, Ear Lobe Stroke – Left arm goes across chest to stroke right ear. This is used when the gazer is quite attractive and the CCU is deemed too militant. It sends out the signal ‘Thanks for the attention but I’m not a slut…yet’.
Spit and Shine – Pretend to spit on to fingertips and rub into nipples whilst winking suggestively. This technique should be used on only 2 occasions, 1) when desperate to pull or 2) during a period of excessive lactation, when it may be the lesser of two embarrassments.
Similar methods are used for the Lazy-On Conundrum, Camel-Toe Tout and Prince Albert Arrangements.

63 PUZZLES/MYSTERIES/DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME (DST)

Spring forward, fall back is supposed to be a helpful mnemonic to aid with the setting of clocks. However, it only happens twice a year so people have a fifty/fifty chance of getting that wrong too. After all ‘spring back, fall forward’ makes as much sense.
In Britain where the term ‘fall’ isn’t fully understood, many injuries occur around the time of the vernal and autumnal equinoxes, due to people leaping back and forth trying to get their timepieces correct.
The German government first adopted this bizarre system during the First World War as a means to confuse the enemy. This is one of the reasons that the Swiss stayed out of the fighting; they where too busy inventing clocks and watches that would make the transition to DST automated. They then planned to sell these items to the highest bidder.
Germany’s plan of confusion however backfired. They anticipated that the Brits would forget to set their watches on March 31st 1916 and so turn up for the various battles planned across Europe too early, and be forced to wait in the cold, getting annoyed while the Hun had an extra hour in bed. Germany expected the advantage of a good nights rest and then to meet a tired and resentful enemy and so win the battles with ease. However they didn’t count on Private Derek ‘Sally’ Sullivan. Sally was in charge of the British Army DST Brigade, and remembered the mnemonic as ‘Spring back’, and so inadvertently ensured the humble Tommy an extra two hours in bed and it was the Bosch who got worked up and worn out, and endured a sound thrashing. This was the beginning of the end of WW1. Derek was court-martialled for failing to get correct the one thing for which he was trained. It was only when the Top Brass tried to write the report and explain BST and why they had won so many battles on that day, that they realised what a fiendishly complicated affair it was and decided to promote Private Sullivan to the rank of General because it was better to be lucky than good.

61 PUZZLES/MYSTERIES/AMERICANS AND THEIR FASCINATION WITH FRACTIONS

Quarterback instead of thrower, quarter instead of coin, haff instead of half, Americans have deep issues with fractions. Americans will say ‘haff a haff a hundred’ if they mean 25, and ‘quarter haff a hundred’ if they mean 12.5. It can get all rather confusing. Americans are the only nation in the world able to order a coffee from a coffee shop Bastardista; this is due to excessive use of fractions and the fact the Bastardista instinctively knows not to provoke these Masters of the Oblique.
American: I’d like a haff a haff a hundred fluid ounces of double decaf, half mocha, eighth double semi skim yaks, over rye, demi java, with sprinkles.
Bastardista: Yes Sir!
As it is impossible for a Bastardista to lose face in any coffee related negotiation, the American will end up with a cup of milky chicory and blame it on the ‘wadder’.

Thursday 12 February 2009

60 HUMANITY/CLASS STRUCTURE/HEIRARCHY OF AFFLICATIONS

Profoundly deaf people take great offence to the term hearing impaired. They consider it politically incorrect. And so inadvertently have set up a hierarchy of afflictions. You can be ‘not deaf enough’ to be excluded from a select cultural and linguistic minority group. This has spilled over into all parts of society; people with lisps cannot stand the company of the lazy tongued, Tourette syndrome sufferers think the nervous tick brigade are just amateurs and Ginger folk look down on Strawberry blondes. You have to pass a freckle count to be a germane ginger.
So the most elite club in the world turns out to be the Lisping Outburst Deaf Ginger Establishment. There are not that many members. At the last annual meeting of the LODGE all 4 associates managed to upset each other by being either more ginger, deaf, lisping or erratically rude than the others. This led to a splintering into 3 other clubs the DOGLE, OGDLE and the GODLE. It was the arrival of the colossal stationary bill for the various organisations that made the founders realise how ridiculous the whole thing was, and that they were just ordinary people with problems. They promptly disbanded and focused their energies on more important things. A lesson to us all in these enlightened politically correct times.

59 SPORT/ULTIUMATE CHALLENGE/WINNING THE FATHER'S RACE AT THE PRE-SCHOOL SPORTS DAY

This is the most difficult race to win ever. Linford Christie, Allen Wells, Ben Johnson (both the runner and the playwright) have all failed. It is a race of extraordinary skill. If you come first you have lost.
There is only one way to win this race, and that is to come last. If you actually win you may be accused of trying too hard and being over competitive. The loss must be crafted and executed with precision. You must lose with style. You must let your son/daughter know that it is acceptable to fail, particularly in this day when everyone is a winner. Failure is part of success:
Arrive on the start line in spikes, and lycra all in one running suit - the streamline hood optional.
As all the other hypocritical father’s are joking with each other, and saying what a marvellous bit of fun this is and no one is taking it seriously, do a vigorous warm up of burpies and star jumps.
Psyche out the other dads by either staring, growling or shouting ‘you are going down!’ If they ignore you do all 3 until they notice.
Just before the firing pistol, shout out, ‘I’m doing this for you Son, I love you!’. Hopefully this will cause a false start and lead to more growling, staring and ‘you are going down’ing.
Repeat 4 until the race gets under way.
Let at least one person over take you. Dive on that person shouting ‘This means more to me than you, I won’t let you win! I won’t let you take away my dream!’ Grabbing hold of his trousers pull them down exposing his backside to the crowd. ‘Accidentally’ push your face into the cleft whilst shouting ‘ Oh my god, Bateman! I thought I recognised you’.
Release the man, sit in the middle of the track, take off your running spikes and throw them after the disappearing pack. Put your head between your knees and sob. Turn to your son/daughter and cry, ‘Next year, I promise! It will be different next year!’
Return to your seat, have a Pimms and talk about golf handicaps as if nothing happened.
Your progeny will never worry about losing again.

Tuesday 10 February 2009

58 PASTIMES/HEALTH/SMOKING

Smoking used to be cool. Mayans got in contact with the Gods by tripping on tobacco 1500 years ago. The explorer Rodrigo de Jerez was grassed up by his neighbours and imprisoned for 7 years by the Spanish Inquisition just for having a puff outside his house, which is much more glamorous than modern day pop star Pete Doherty getting his collar slightly felt by the rozzers for Heroin abuse. Movie stars like Heburn and Bogart used to light up before getting hold of the opposite sex. Only squares hated tobacco; Queen Victoria, Surgeon Generals, Adolf Hitler and the Swiss.
Nowadays, smoking has a terrible image. Everyone hates it, including the hunched wretches standing outside office buildings in all weathers, begrudgingly drawing breath on their toxic terminus. The sad sallow faces occasionally forming a rictus grin as a co-worker joins the death drag.
Cigarettes are very dangerous. Linda Codstrap proved this with flair in 1987. Because of her 80 a day habit she had a significant collection of John Player & sons cigarette cards. Hypnotherapy courses had cured her of nicotine addiction but not of collecting, and she was only one card away from having the complete set of 50 Territorial Army Uniforms 1939, reprint edition. The 48th Division Midlands Infantry was proving elusive. In an act of total desperation she kidnapped a young new recruit, and by a complicated process of steaming and crushing, shrunk the grunt to 3 inches in height and mounted him on thin white board. The resulting card was a very good forgery and only the expression of astonishment on the soldier’s face gave it away. Linda was arrested and sent to the loony bin. In recognition of his tragic and senseless waste of life, Private Edmund Ruckman was voted Passive Smoker of the Year 1988.

57 PASTIMES/RITUALS/SUNBATHING

Sunbathing is proof that advertising doesn’t work. For centuries humans have been inundated with media instructing them what to wear and how they should look. Yet any lunchtime, in a park, on a hot day, thousands of wonderfully misshapen, beautifully deformed and blissfully naked torsos bask like elephant seals after the fish fairy has come to town.
The want of the perfect tan is one of the most powerful forces in the universe. So powerful it can override the most persuasive advertising campaign and hence Satan’s will. To prove this point advertising executive Brydon O’Yeah, strapped himself to a human size basting spit, that would coat him in a film of the finest oils, balms and poultices known to man. This contraption was then bolted to the wing of a plane, which later followed the Sun around the Earth, keeping his distance and angle of incidence at a constant optimum for 48hrs. All through this flight Brydon was subjected to a variety of subliminal, sexual and shameless advertising media, all the tricks in the Book of Beelzebub. At the end of the journey he was made to pass through Heathrow Duty Free in order to get to a mirror. He rushed as fast as he could, desperate to see the glorious result. There was a slight moment of hesitation by the soft drinks counter as these companies have some of the most pernicious commercials, and also he had worked up a bit of a thirst from the trip. But his eye caught the glint of the mirror at the end of the corridor of commerce and the spell was broken.
As with all tans, it wasn’t perfect. O’Yeah was slightly disappointed and wanted to get back on the spit to sort out his calves. But on the whole was pretty pleased when he noticed David Dickinson, just back from Bermuda, staring with jealous scrutiny.

56 JOBS/ENTERTAINMENT/MAGICIANS

At school the hierarchy goes something like this:
Girls: More mature in everyway. Better at everything cerebral. More creative and artful, but it does all go pear shaped when they get boyfriends.
School Bully: He is the bloke that reached puberty at the age of 8. He quickly realises he wont amount to much due to the Neanderthal gene. This gene, while making him preternaturally strong, weakens his brain and dooms him to a life as a builder’s mate. As he will die early of pork pie abuse by the age of 32, he decides to have some fun at other people’s expense.
The Heart Throb: This Lothario has the bully in his pocket because he can get the ladies and that makes Dave the Caveman’s winky feel nice and funny.
The Musician: Plays either the guitar or saxophone. The recorder doesn’t count. Sits there playing Baker Street or Stairway, and girls swoon. This man will be the first to loose his cherry.
The Joker: Everyone loves a joker. He amuses his colleagues with his fine wit. The bully unfortunately has trouble understanding his references and puns, so the joker will punch himself in the face in the name of physical comedy, and in order to avoid a substantial beating from Dave the Caveman.
The Ordinary Joe: He gets along just fine. He doesn’t do too much work. No outstanding talent. Does a line in soft pornography s to keep Dave at bay. He’ll end up as an under manager at the local Budgen with a golf handicap.
The Swot: he is the target for abuse by all the above. He will be psychologically scared for life and will end up in Government getting his own back with stealth taxes, by-laws and designing impossibly complex household waste recycling programs.
The Ginger Kid that Smells of Biscuits: Everyone is cruel to this person. He sits alone at all times and so has plenty of time to think. He will either dye his hair or become enlightened. Ginger Kids secretly control everything.
The Magician: A person so wretched that the only way he can get attention is by learning complex puzzles to fool people. No one likes a magician; irritating catch phrases, smug grins, annoying tricks that make you feel stupid because you cannot do them and really bad dress sense. If its not velvet jackets and ruffs it’s the other extreme of leather trousers and ripped t-shirt with homoerotic tattoos. The greatest trick these repellent venal molluscs have learnt is how not to get beaten to death by a baseball bat and to have their rotting carcasses left on a village greens as a warning to others.

55 PASTIMES/IDIOCY/BUNGEE JUMPING

This rather ridiculous pastime originates in the deepest reaches of the African jungle, where pubescent boys are required to throw themselves hundreds of feet through razor-sharp tree branches while being barely attached to a rope made rather poorly from leaves and vines. This is to prove their manhood and allow them to choose the bride of their choice. Two words lads, go gay. However, at least this stupidity has some tradition attached; unlike the same process being played out by either ecstasy fuelled 18 year olds from Chorley in Aya Napa or fat girls losing all their loose change outside the Tache and Bishop in Norwich.
The most extreme bungee jump ever made was by 23-year-old Gavin Gorman from Stafford in 1995. Gavin, on holiday in Rhodes and high on crack tubes and Ealing head-mangers, decided that jumping was becoming predictable and rather dull and decided to try the feared house-bungee. Paying Barrett Homes an estimated £130,000, he stood still for 3 months while the builders built an entire replica of his East Midlands council house around him on the very edge of the highest cliff on the island, weaving a connecting rope through the insulation gap in the bricks and around his waste. On completion of the house and in front of a crowd of nearly 60,000, he ran full pelt at the kitchen wall, dislodging the foundations and tipping the whole structure over the edge. What he was unaware of, however, was that due to an oversight in the building plans, the rope foreman, Tommy Badger, had forgotten to attach the rope to the house and had instead stuck it through the letterbox at the last minute. As the rope tightened at the pinnacle of the descent, a moment which should have been Gorman’s glorious achievement, Gavin realised the problem exactly 30 milliseconds before his entire body was squeezed through the little brass slot. Barrett Homes refused to take responsibility saying the problem was general wear and tear and Gavin Gorman’s fly-covered fleshy monolith still hangs there as a constant reminder to others to never again attempt the dreaded house-bungee.

54 HUMANITY/EMOTIONS/FEAR

Fear is the mind killer. It is all in the mind. So if you don’t have a mind it is impossible to fear. That explains why some people want to be Presidents, Generals, Prime Ministers and Chat Show hosts. For the rest of us fear is all too real.
Some people are inflicted with terrible fears. Think what it must be like to suffer from claustrophobia and agoraphobia at the same time. Just exactly what is the right size space in which to feel safe?
The fear of long words has been inappropriately named as Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, how cruel can you get? Searching the Internet for some help and you come across that bastard. Would you ever recover? Some say it is best to confront your fears, but you don’t learn to ride a bike by entering the Macau GP.
Ideophobia - the fear of ideas, you’d never be cured, ‘Mr Trimble I’ve got an idea that might just cure you. Nurse where has he gone? Was it something I said?’

Hypnophobia - the fear of sleep, people who suffer with this wake up screaming every morning ‘I’ve done it again!’
The fear of feeling pleasure, Hedonophobia, must be very tiring: ‘Oh that’s nice. Oh no I’m feeling pleasure, I’m scared. That’s better I don’t feel pleasure any more. Phew what a relief! Oh no I’m feeling pleasure again…’ and that’s just taking a shower.
Imagine dying and discovering that you suffer from Uranophobia – the fear of Heaven. Not a lot of final destination choices left.One of the worst phobias to suffer from is Tremophobia – the fear of trembling, a self-feeding loop that only stops when you pass out with exhaustion. Only to start again when you wake up tired and cold.

53 JOBS/SERVICE INDUSTRY/TAXI DRIVERS

Only tell a Taxi driver what you do for a living if you want to know how to do it better.
‘Brain surgeon eh guv? Well technically you mean a Neurosurgeon. OK here’s one for ya: Cerebral Aneurysm, restore the deteriorating respiration and reduce the intracranial pressure within the first 3 days. Instead of the usual catheter I find the straw from a 288ml Ribena Blackcurrant carton works a treat. Have that one on me.’
Like Bus drivers they are experts in the ‘Highway Cnut’. They also have special powers:
Cycle Vision: They can knock a cyclist flying just by looking at them.
Cloaking Device: Jedi mind trick over the police when doing illegal U-turns and other infractions of highway law. ‘This is not the Taxi you are looking for’.
Mighty Fare: Not satisfied that they are already 1000% more expensive than public transport, various ruses have been designed to add a further 500%. These include: the unexpected road works, time of day tariff, luggage tariff and person tariff. After all that they also expect a tip.
There is only one natural predator of the Taxi, the cycle courier. However, couriers are terrible hunters. Rarely hunting in packs the lunatic courier prefer suicide missions and at worst only manage to clog up the front grill with bits of bike and flesh. Couriers have only ever killed one taxi (see Wars/ Lucozade Wars/Kingsway Underpass Ambush). This explains the epidemic proportions of taxis, but doesn’t explain why they are never sodding available.

52 SOCIAL EVENTS/GATHERINGS/BLACK TIE DINNER DANCE

If you are a white male over the age of 24 you should not attempt to dance, you will look ridiculous. An exception can be made if you try the following:
Early Evening: The dance floor is empty. There is a run up of at least 30 feet (open doors if not available). You are wearing your Dad’s 1970’s white DJ, hipsters with flares. Slide into the middle of the floor on the knees, pirouetting slowly. Pop up onto toes, flick imaginary dandruff off the shoulders and moonwalk back to your seat. It is worth getting your trousers reinforced with Kevlar knee pads, this reduces the run up needed or gives an extra 2 feet to the slide.
Middle Evening: The dance floor is full. Get the guests in a large circle and make them clap. Dive head first into the floor and do the caterpillar for 30seconds.Back flip on to toes, dust the shoulders, and moonwalk back to the clapping throng. When no one else volunteers to demonstrate a move, robot dance around the perimeter.
End of Evening: As the couples smooch to the Foreigner classic ‘I Want to Know What Love Is’, stand on the side nodding your head to the beat. Introduce your set with some gentle Toprock, a couple of preliminary breaking steps and gentle body popping. When the ballad reaches the line ‘In my life there has been heartache and pain’, drop into the downrock classic, the one-handed pike freeze, preferably left handed as this sets you up nicely for the Windmill power move, ending on the head spin as the chorus kicks in. Time your set for one minute 30 seconds, finishing off with a suicide move of your choice. Spend the rest of the love song challenging the couples into your battle. When there are no takers, strut back to your table with the knowledge that you own them all.

51 HUMANITY/SINNING/REPENTANCE

In general people apologise too much. And that is a good thing. When other people bump into each other both parties normally say sorry. Forgetting to hold open a door, breaking wind violently and with olfactory nastiness, flirting with your partner’s mother or father, all these things are normally forgiven by saying sorry. It is when apologies are not forth coming that things get dangerous.
The Pope said sorry on behalf of the Catholic Church on 12th March 2000. They hadn’t apologised for 20 centuries so were penitent for a quite a few whoppers; the Crusades, the Inquisition, the torture and burning of heretics, holy wars, ethnic cleansing, genocide, forced conversions of Indians and Africans, discrimination against women including their enslavement by excessive childbirth resulting in poverty and poor health and its role in the Holocaust. So the next time you forget your Mother’s birthday don’t feel too bad. Get on the blower and say sorry before you start an
atrocity.
The worst offender has got to be God. He has said sorry on a couple of occasions. In Genesis 6:6 he repents that he made man, but in general has been fairly belligerent and free with the humanity destroying floods, earthquakes and diseases. Perhaps if he sat on the naughty step for a bit and reflected on how he was ruining it for everyone else, and when he was ready, came and said sorry, we could all get on. The only explanation for this behaviour is that, being an omnipotent being, he is showing off again and creating something that is impossible to forgive and then later we will forgive him.
(See 41Puzzles/Mysteries/Omnipotence Paradox).

Monday 2 February 2009

50 PUZZLES/MYSTERIES/DO DECEASED RELATIVES WATCH YOU MASTURBATE?

Unfortunately they do; normally from the ceiling, or from inside a wardrobe. If you squint really hard you can sometimes catch them cheering you on. This is perfectly natural. It is as natural as crying when you masturbate, but judging by the expressions of the other passengers on British Rail this morning, not everyone agrees with the crying rule.
This is also why mediums moan a lot when they are trying to contact the dead. A spirit wouldn’t bother materialising if there wasn’t a chance of watching a five-digit disco.
The largest spirit audience for a solo masturbation event was 42. This was recorded in 1946 when Lorna Pendrangle, from Frome Somerset, laid down for a Friday night fumble. Buffin the muffin wasn’t popular in the forties so this was considered a novelty act in the spirit world. Six generations of ancestors settled down to watch Lorna prepare the bean and fish taco. She was rewarded for her efforts by a rousing standing ovation. Understandably, Lorna was a little disturbed by the clapping coming from the ceiling and the five pieces of furniture in her bedroom, but it was the site of recently deceased Aunt Hattie trying to hand her a hairbrush that put her off slapping the happy hole for good.