69 CREATIVITY/INVENTIONS/DINOSAURS

The Reverend Hesston Cambridge invented the Dinosaur in 1675, as a test of the faithful. In 1650 bishop James Ussher studied the genealogies of the Old Testament, and calculated the Earth was created in 4004B.C. Hesston fabricated the femur of the Megalosaurus, to make it appear 230 million years old and call into question the age of the Earth, and so the validity of the Bible and the word of God. The Rev. then got busy burying manufactured dinosaur remains all over Britain for erstwhile scientists to uncover, figure out, and collect. Like crop circles, dinosaur counterfeiting soon caught on and the Holy men of the World’s religions started to join in fooling the palaeontologists. Hesston realised it was getting out of control, and in a fit of guilt and panic started leaving clues that would alert the bone experts. He gave the T-Rex tiny thalidomide arms and a big head to make it look impossibly ridiculous, he made the Megalosaur femur look like a pair of human testicles indicating it was all bollocks (Richard Brookes in 1763 actually named it Scrotum Humanum and still didn’t twig), and in an act of total desperation created the Diplodocus, a ludicrously long necked dinosaur that looks like a duck. Unfortunately, the academic community loved it, and the other Holy men were only encouraged to compete, thus spawning the Brontosaurus, Pterodactyl and Cro-Magnon Man. People it seemed were ready to believe another lie. His test had backfired, his ruse was shaking the foundations of religion, and people were losing faith.
Hesston feared for his life, if his subterfuge were ever discovered. He feared for his soul too and prayed for forgiveness until his death of rickets at the age of 45. God was too busy being Omnipotent to notice the Rev. Cambridge’s hoax, but nevertheless claimed it as part of his divine plan. Palaeontologists uncovered Hesston’s last attempt at an apology in 2001; the Latrinosaur, a 600-foot tall winged creature that resembles a lavatory, complete with cistern and flushing mechanism. In its 60-foot beak was inscribed an intricate confession and apology, detailing the methods used to fossilise bone and feathers, and techniques for authentic burial. The BBC has bought the silence of those scientists, and the evidence destroyed, in the process dooming the planet to a diet of increasingly realistic dinosaur documentaries.