80 Entertainment / Games / Tramps

The tramps we see wander our streets today are the unfortunate victims of an incredibly ambitious tournament dating back to the 1950s. The game was created by the Lampo brothers, Ned and Jed, notorious drinkers and wealthy inventors of the John Merrick comedy dildo. The game started when they realised that, no matter how much alcohol they could ingest, it simply wasn't up to the standards they required, so spent five years developing the remote controllable tramp-chip, the superAlcho-MD4. The chip was simply inserted under the skin of an unsuspecting commuter and they became fully under the control of the brothers from their nerve centre in their house in Chiswick. The first example of this was local chartered accountant Donald Peep who, on his way back from work to his wife and children, was 'tramped' by the brothers at Charing Cross tube station and before he knew it found himself drinking super unleaded straight from the pump at South Mimms service station on the M25. Each brother then took control of 100 tramps and battled for alcoholic supremacy of London. At the last count, Jed was slightly ahead after Ned had made a disastrous gamble on tramping a group of Fields of the Nephelin fans outside the Good Mixer public house in Camden, causing two of the younger members to instantly explode, spraying the locals with cider and blackcurrant. Over the next two weeks of goth-fuelled alcoholic chaos, four of the group were arrested for trying to drink an entire number 25 bus in the middle of Tottenham Court Road, one received life imprisonment for viciously eating the spleens of three members of an all-girl cyber-metal band during a gig at the Dublin Castle, two became church ministers and one narrowly missed out on the job of chief programming commissioner at channel 4. The battle continues.