Saturday 23 May 2009

99 Linguistics/Conversations/Marital Arguments

Arguments can start for the silliest reasons and quickly escalate. Couples that have been co-habiting or married for 25 years can stab each other to death over whether Greenshield shopping stamps were better than Co-Op Blue Chip. The point of cataclysmic failure, the straw that breaks the feltcher’s rehabilitation attempts.
It is fortunate these couples haven’t got nuclear weapons and a real grievance. Even better that they are not generally mad. What would happen if say they had an imaginary friend to which they prayed for guidance, 10,000 nuclear warheads and some one threatening their philosophy and way of life?
The first exchange would be in the bedroom, a tactical nuclear strike right where it hurts. Not a big explosion, just enough to take out the genitalia and leave a message. The retaliation would be swift and just as brutal, in the bathroom replacing the Colgate toothpaste with chemical tactics, mustard gas in the bidet and anthrax in the Optrex eye drops. The children will then be asked to take sides with bribes of sweets and toys and the chance of going to heaven. A savage and pointless ground war will follow, involving ingenious conversions of KerPlunk! and PlayDoh Hairdresser into weapons of mass destruction, such a pity that a cheap and renewable source of fun can be used for such horror. When it is realised that neither party can win the house will be destroyed and the garden scorched, leaving nothing but a playground for the cockroaches. And all because of a trivial disagreement over collectable shopping stamps.
Fortunately no one is that mad.

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