Sunday 26 July 2009

118 Emotions/Feeling/Love

Many think the concept of love is not amenable to one authoritative definition. Philosophy and Religion have speculated for centuries, and recently psychologists, biologists, anthropologists and neuroscientists have added to the debate and made it as complicated as a transvestite's make up bag.
Curiously this is the most appropriate definition for love. Like a Tranny Bag, love contains mystery, colour, illusion, and an enormous amount of chemicals.
The possible combinations of the ingredients are colossal. Most people's love ends up looking like Jordan (aka Katie Price); all the bits are there but deep down you still know it's a bloke. Often love is a Danny La Rue or a Lilly Savage; a passable definition, strangely attractive, but wont stand up to meticulous scrutiny.
Occasionally things can go really wrong and you get Norman Wisdom in a dress with only crudely applied blue eye shadow as a concession to femininity. This is disastrous as only the very cruel and terminally mean could kick the hapless Wisdom out on to the streets. And so this loves endures until one party dies, and we all know Norman is indestructible.

Saturday 25 July 2009

117 Humans/Jobs/Prostitution

Rimington Smyth-Knismesis is the gentleman's gentlemen and the best paid hooker in the world. Remington specialises in the needs of the urbane, well-healed individual and is in constant demand. He has exacting standards of his clientele, and they must be immaculately turned out before they can enter his chambers. His manservant, Nickleby Nonce, is there to provide last minute grooming for punters who arrive slightly dishevelled. Spit and polish shoe shining, wet shave, manicure and fluffing are just some of Mr Nonce's services.
Rimington will greet his customers with a firm handshake and a pithy comment concerning the weather. Hand relief and oral are they only utilities he supplies, and is expert in both. The whole messy business is over in seconds. His real skill lies in the mop up operation as any stray flying semen is quickly cleared and banished to his patented 'seed incinerator'. Awkward silences are smoothed over with his masterful knowledge of cricket and adroit prediction of England's chances in the latest test.
Unsurprisingly Rimington is not popular with the ladies. He thinks a clitoris is a type of fruit to be found in New Guinea.

Saturday 11 July 2009

116 Humans/Inflictions/Ability through Disability

Deaf people have a very valuable skill in lip reading. They get to 'hear' all the good swear words that are 'beeped' out of You've Been Framed. Similarly lip people can deaf read; mutes can read ears to find out what is going on. This is a very specialist skill as most mutes can hear, and deaf mutes can lip read anyway.
These skills are usually developed through cruel necessity. However, Smudge Deaf people have a very valuable skill in lip reading. They Maxwelton, a spy for MI6, developed them out of boredom. Smudge was a preternaturally gifted individual. Double first from Oxford and Cambridge in 17 subjects (per University), holder of running, jumping, throwing, shooting, swimming and snuggling World records, Grandmaster martial artist of all 1023 known styles and 2541 unknown ones, Grandmaster chess player, Grandmaster Soduku, Grandmaster Reiki and Grandmaster Flash (he DJs at weekends). Eventually, Smudge ran out of things to learn and turned his attention to ear reading.
He quickly became a Grandmaster Ear Reader and it became his obsession, discovering new principles, techniques and minutiae he took the art to new levels of understanding. One of the effects he discovered was ‘Sensory Interference from Earlobe Micro Waggle’. Whilst spying on arch nemesis Otto Von Lucifer from the obligatory position of apparent safety, he failed to notice Otto shout ‘Get that Cnut!’ point to his hiding place and the dozen armed-guards descend upon him. This was due to Otto's earlobes vibrating at very high frequency interfering with his normal sight and hearing senses. Smudge was caught and quickly dispatched, Otto being efficiently ruthless and not giving the spy the usual sporting chance to escape. This is cited as the best example of disability through ability.

Wednesday 8 July 2009

115 Humans/Speech/The Great Vowel Shift

No one really knows why or how the first vowel shifted. Some speculate that it was because of fashionable imitation of an admired or powerful person as is alleged to be the origin of the Spanish lisp. This is in fact the correct answer. People love to imitate and pretend to be something they are not.
The Spanish were lucky. Many now extinct tribes have copied some terrible and pernicious traits. The Hen people of Ailsa Craig, Scotland had a glorious and fabulous leader in Morag. She was kind, beautiful, intelligent and benevolent, but had a habit of pecking people on the head. One person doing this would have been fine, but the entire population decided to emulate their Queen and soon became extinct from brain aneurysms.
The Tabbies of Farne Island, England looked up to Peter the Cheetah for his wisdom, sense of justice and lithe graceful movements, but soon died out for copycatting his preponderance for late night wailing and territory marking sessions.
On Samson Island, UK the Barnetmen followed a priest named Michael Bolton to their deaths for spending too much time on their preposterously elaborate hairdos.
Perhaps the most senseless waste of life was witnessed on Goat Island, New York. The most admired person here was Brentford Ulysses Brentford Xavier Brentford Nylons the Third. He was the islands top Bladder Ball player and charming, generous and gallant to a fault. But Brent had the nasty habit of getting drunk after games and making animal shapes with his scrotum. The Bat, Bunny and Rattlesnake were great crowd pleasers but the Goat was his trademark. This involved tucking his entire package between his legs so that his member and scrunched sack could be seen protruding from his backside, vaguely resembling an annoyed ram. Once again the people of Goat Island imitated the wrong trait and soon the male islanders as a source of pride and prowess would walk about with their tackle trussed up. This severely damaged sperm production and they were wiped out within a generation.
If history teaches us anything (and it doesn’t) then it is to be yourself.

Tuesday 7 July 2009

114 Emotion/Controlling Emotion/Revenge

Apparently revenge is a dish best served cold. And with this in mind biochemist Kenneth Bumford paid a visit to his unfaithful boyfriend Harry Monk, armed with a canister of liquid nitrogen and administered his own ‘special frosty enema’. This was not the first time slightly dodgy advice had been misinterpreted. The surprise rimy, rectal injection caused Harry to enter a partial cryogenic suspension. Fortunately the Leidenfrost effect had Mr Monk skittering around the room on his exposed backside, like bunched drops of water on a hot frying pan, and warmed him up enough to defrost him back to life. In a freak coagulation event, bright blue ice hexagons dropped out of Harry’s chapped bottom. Intrigued by the phenomena Ken analysed the cerulean shapes at the lab and correctly identified them as the Aids virus that Harry had caught from his illicit fling. Ken had saved Harry’s life. Harry overjoyed vowed never to stray again. Ken forgave Harry and the two homosexuals adopted 7 children and lived happily ever after.

Friday 3 July 2009

113 The Bible/Gospels/The Lost Gospel of Keith

It is not well known that many gospels did not make the final Biblical cut. There are at least a dozen gospels, including the Gospels of Thomas, Peter, Nicodemus and Mary Magdalen. The reason for this was that they contained stories that were even more embarrassingly implausible than the 4 that made it past the ecclesiastical censorship.
The worst offender was the Gospel according to Keith. Jesus and Keith were great childhood friends and inseparable. He would persuade Jesus to cause mischief with his divine powers.
Nails to rubber was one of their favourites, and they very much enjoyed running away from an irate, hammer wielding Joseph, who could never quite finish the wardrobe he had been working on for years.
Speaking in Lungs abused the power of omniscience and voice throwing. ‘Cut out the Rothmans Granddad!’ could be heard emanating from the rib cage of bronchitic pensioners. This was particularly unnerving for the sufferer not least because they had possessed chests, but also because they had absolutely no idea what a Rothman was 1,890 years prior to the invention of that brand of cigarette.
Walking on Daughter would see Jesus hovering above the women at the local synagogue, especially at Bat Mitzvahs.
Water to swine was one of Keith’s too.
Keith laments in his gospel that Jesus changed for the worst when he found religion and their fun loving relationship was lost forever. He also gripes that Jesus never gave him due credit for the ideas that he later developed and used to convert people. Especially the Healing Pig Tree. Not surprisingly Keith’s writings were ‘mislaid’ along with the Women Are Better Than Men Scrolls.

Wednesday 1 July 2009

112 Law/EU Bureaucracy/Song Lyrics

After 31 December 2009, it will become illegal to make any mention of feet and inches, pounds and ounces, pints and gallons in activities relating to economics, health, safety, administration and song lyrics. This is good and bad news. The ever emotive ‘the pounding of my heart’ becomes the sanitised ‘ the 453.59237 gramming of my heart’. However the Rolling Stones are ‘pleased in principle’ at their future name change to The Rolling 6.35 kilograms, and the Italian crooner Paolo Conte will provide great hilarity as he tries to get his latin tongue around ‘Happy 30.48 centimetres’.
The band ‘Nine Inch Nails’ has had a mare. A nail is 1/16th of a yard. They are not happy and have asked if they can combine and round up to the slightly more simple 0.04 metres.
The front man of the Pogues, Shane McGowan, is furious. He is no longer allowed to say firkin and has to use 318.2 litres instead.
The esoteric post rock madness art band ‘Bushel Bovate Barleycorn and the Butt Hundred Weight Ounce Pints’ are as pleased as Punch, as their name works out to be the very cool ‘Mega Mole’, which saves them loads on printing costs. By extraordinary coincidence, Mega Mole’s imperial unit obsessed lyrics translate into beautiful sonnets that have been hailed as the modern Shakespeare and sales of their 16 concept albums are set to soar in 2010.