Friday 14 August 2009

122 HUMANS/ANIMALS/1980’s POP ICONS

What are they doing now? Well most of them are getting together to do reunion concerts in order to save the world from the Credit Crunch. The better question is what have they been doing up until now?It is widely appreciated that the legends of 80’s pop such as Nik Kershaw, Gary Newman, Rick Astley, Phil Oakley and Joe Dolce are musical prodigies the like that has not been seen since Mozart. Indeed some commentators remark that they are better than the classical legends, the main NME magazine argument being ‘Did Wolfgang play Live Aid? No! Kershaw did.’
Having contributed a vast legacy of influential, uplifting, world uniting and not forgetting catchy tunes, the Paladins of Pop all jointly decided to give further to mankind by joining mediocre local level bands. And such is their humility they also agreed to take on the minor band roles that no one really wants.
Astley plays third triangle in Shropshire based 10 piece triangle band ‘My Lumpy Triangle’.ABC front man Martin Fry is roadie for Christian Folk group ‘The Jumping Jesus’, despite his preternatural ability to nail the tricky bit in Kumbaya. And the genius that is Nik Kershaw unpretentiously plays the drums for Dad Rock Band ‘Papa Snax’.
Unfortunately ‘Papa Snax’ is managed by evil mastermind Lucius Von Sprout. Lucius plans to infiltrate society by booking gigs at schools across Britain. Starting by playing the glorious power ballads of the 80’s they will be come the darlings of young society and the most popular band in Britain. Slowly, imperceptibly Von Sprout will change the bands direction by slipping a few subversive protest songs into the set, such as Pink Floyd’s ‘We Don’t Need No Education’ and ‘Small Town Boy’ by Bronski Beat.
Over the course of years the band will evolve into the genre of Doom Metal and mentally influence the children of the nation, without anyone noticing. If Mr Sprout has his way the traditional heart warming Nativity Play will become a gore fest, with primary school children dressing up as bleeding Jesuses and playing Obscura Arcana Mortis by Forgotten Tomb.
The boy Kershaw knows of his plan, as he was told by Saint Jimi of Hendrix in a dream. This is why he joined the band. Evil shall not prevail. No one except Kershaw knows how to stop Lucius Von Sprout. But we do know it involves the snood, seven pairs of fingers gloves and the lyrics to ‘The Riddle’.

Thursday 6 August 2009

121 Transport/Drivers/Post Office Vans Drivers

Post Office Van (POV) drivers wrote the 'Highway Cvnt', the variant of the Highway Code used by Bus drivers (see 1 Transport/Public Transport Buses).
Taxi drivers have 3 posters on their bedroom walls; Oswald Mosley, Eva Braun and Gupta Singh, Post Office Van Driver of the year 2005. A POV driver is the only thing a taxi fears.
There is no engine in the Post Office van, that burnt out long ago. Instead it is fuelled by the drivers squealing anger. The raging fury at having to do the menial task of delivering parcels while they wait for their genius to be recognised. Most POV drivers are failed magicians, novelists or golfers. They are all bagpipe playing Freemasons.
They have only one skill: to drive a van with such erraticism and speed as to cause Beelzebub himself to papper his snacks in appreciation of their dedication to mayhem.
Nothing can survive inside a POV and so God created the parcel pixie to mend the damage.
The shrill, shrieking cocophony created by the POV was voted the second most terrifying noise in the Universe by the Council of Accousticness. The first of course being Cold Play.

Tuesday 4 August 2009

120 Animals/Humans/Japanese Women

Japanese women were put on the earth by God to give paedophiles something legal to do. And it almost worked. Until 1994, most youngsters outside of a church environment could skip around quite freely in playgrounds and shopping centres without the fear of an unknown uncle offering them a lift to see his latest litter of Afghans. The soft skin, cute silliness, partiality to gym-slips and virtually hair-free bodies of Gods newest creation kept the youngster-obsessed social outcasts confined to oxygen bars in Soho and ordering their evenings entertainment directly from the internet. All that changed however in the early spring of 1994 when the rather horrid Dr Wu’s Hairy Asian Beaver website opened its domain to the masses. Such was the utter disgust at Linda Chu from Osaka’s unkempt downstairs areas that instantly all the worlds paedophiles switched straight back to their original preferences. It would seem then that the Japanese woman had no further use on the planet and Pope Geldof the 3rd was given his instructions to deal with the situation. And that would have been that, had it not been for a rather unfortunate incident in Splitlipskis Gentlemens venue in Prague the following day, where a particular worse for wear God was so impressed with the accuracy in leggy Sun Pok’s use of her creators carefully crafted reproductive organs to fire ping pong balls at St Peters head from the stage that he instantly issued a statement to the pope that he should stop the cull immediately. To this day, Japanese women continue to thrive in all areas of the world such as niche internet porn genres, all thanks to a little-known stripper in Eastern Europe and her incredible powerful vagina. Although it is rumoured that God does now admit in his upcoming autobiography ‘Bible 2: I Can’t Be Everywhere at Once You Know – HaHa’ that Yoko Ono was indeed a mistake.

Monday 3 August 2009

119 Singers/Female Singers/The World's Best

The World’s best female vocalist is 14 year old Sandra Argentaria. Streisand, Dion, Beckham: all pretenders in comparison. Unfortunately her audience is only one person; her father, M25 corridor travelling salesmen Arthur Argentaria.
Arthur took custody of Sandra in 1995 because his obsession for satellite navigation gadgetry drove his wife mad and into the local lunatic larder.
Arthur’s only skill was selling SatNav and so he had to continue his pointless job in order to provide for his family. Sandra would accompany him on his jobs learning her songs from the car stereo. Her voice grew in timbre, melody and assonance in the back of his Ford Focus, bringing joy and comfort to Arthur. Arthur soothed became a better salesman and promotion followed. As his car upgraded it seemed Sandra’s voice would upgrade too; with the Ford Focus Coupe came deeper resonance, the C-max brought diapasonal consonance and when the 5 door Mondeo Titanium X arrived she managed to nail the tricky bit in that Titanic song.
Unfortunately because of the SatNav in those cars and because Arthur was a huge fan of the Terminator films, the songs would be interrupted by the Arnie TomTom Voiceskin.
Not having the common sense guidance of a mother, Sandra would faithfully replicate Mr Swarzenegger’s guttural Austrian dialect. Halfway through Whitney Houston’s ‘I will always love you’, Sandra would sing ‘I will always take the 3rd exit on the left at the next roundabout’. Meat Loaf’s power ballad ‘I’d Do Anything for Love (but I Won’t Do That)’ became ‘I’d Do Anything for Love but I wont follow the road for another 8 miles’ Even with Sandra’s beautiful voice, Sinead O’Connor’s ‘Nothing Compares 2 U Calculating a New Route’ and Barry White’s ‘You’re The First, The Last, The Next Turning on The Right’ would lose some romantic appeal when punctuated with Arnie’s deeply terrifying voice . The world is simply not ready for Teutonic-voice punctuated, road related, instructional love songs.
Of course Sandra could be retrained and wipe the floor on X-Factor, she would become an international superstar bringing joy, exalted bliss and serenity to the world. Her mother’s sanity would be restored at seeing her daughter achieve her true potential. But Mr Argentaria’s gadget obsessed, blinkered world view prevents him from seeing the abundance available to him. Fortunately, most men are not like Arthur Argentaria, other wise the world be full of missed opportunities and in a right mess.