tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-67970580846482271162024-03-08T17:04:17.815-08:00THE GUIDE TO EVERYTHINGThe Answers To The Questions You Never Asked
New Site <a href="http://www.cultcomedy.net">www.CultComedy.net</a>Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.comBlogger130125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-33255263069508975142010-09-24T03:51:00.000-07:002010-09-24T03:52:04.562-07:00NEW SITE<span style="font-weight:bold;"><a href="http://www.cultcomedy.net">NEW SITE WWW.CULTCOMEDY.NET</a><span style="font-weight:bold;"><span style="font-weight:bold;"><span style="font-style:italic;"></span></span></span></span>Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-85595395181300111872010-08-17T03:25:00.000-07:002010-08-17T03:27:40.843-07:00129 Wastage / Food / MasterchefThe Oxford dictionary describes time-wasting as ‘sitting down for an hour to watch two rather arrogant grumpy people you don’t know taste some food made by a few other frantic people you don’t know and say it’s a bit crap, or that it’s quite good. You don’t get to taste it yourself either.’ As dear gran used to say ‘what a steaming pile of horse felch.’ But as with most other pointless activities such as ballroom dancing and Jade Goody it has become a staple televisual extravaganza. Only Kerry Katona can honestly say she is truly of less use. Leading dinner lady Mavis O’Reilly describes the juxtaposition between the culture of victuals being seen as standard provisional necessity with the commonplace urbanity misconception of what she labels the ‘fiscal luminary fare’ in her 2007 book ‘You’re Just a Fucking Cook, Cunt’.<br /><br />Amazingly television producers pulled off an even more amazing feat with Junior Masterchef. A preference to watching Graham Nortons attempts to dock some recently crowned X Factor numpty on the other side it may well be but how any human with the ability to vomit can sit through rubber panted 13 year old Augusta from Oxfordshire picking the shot from a freshly slaughtered grouse while talking about mummys’ walk-in butler is staggering (although strangely sexually alluring). However, it does seem to thrive in the ratings game. This is unlike senior citizen Masterchef, which was taken off air two episodes into the series after Coventry based Maggie Stern simply cooked a house brick to warm up little Alfies bed before George Smith from Huddersfield, initially refusing to be filmed by a Fuzzy Top, spent the allocated thirty minutes boiling his own wellington boot in a bucket.<br /><br />But more interestingly is how much can be deciphered about the contestant from their choice of dish. Whereas Martin McGuiness’ Cherry Bomb Pie hardly came as a surprise, eyebrows were certainly raised by Beryl Reeds Horny Vagina Crumpets and John ‘Johns Not Mad’ Davidsons’ Cunt Shit Fuck Nigger Nigger Whore Fuck Bitch Greek Cunt Salad, but at least uncertainties were finally put to rest about Nick Griffin when he produced his now notorious Masterchef final winning Ku Klux Flan.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-23052557038716466222010-07-20T00:59:00.001-07:002010-07-20T00:59:48.193-07:00128 Seaside Entertainment/Violence/Punch and JudyUnsurprisingly created by an Italian, the Punch and Judy puppet show has been entertaining generations of would-be psychotics and wife beaters for centuries. Seen by most of Yorkshire as a government advice programme, the show is performed by a single puppeteer known as The Professor. What is less known is that the professor must perform this show while simultaneously torturing small mammals, reading the Codex Gigas backwards and furiously masturbating every time the crocodile appears. As 21 year old serial rapist Bernard Manson of Ripley, Derbyshire explained in his memoirs ‘That’s the way to do it (Bitch)’ in 2004 ‘I wouldn’t be nuffink if it weren’t for punch. He made me know that even someone like me can have success. I could be working in HMV now with keys angin’ round me arse like a queer. Thanks punch. Fuckin straight.’. A less controversial version of Punch and Judy was created by Guardian columnist and post modern feminist Alison Bore in 2006 called ‘Gerard and Angela’ and plotted the main characters Kentish Town based garden dinner party. The storyline showed the unmarried couple talking about trips to South America and modern folk music with a succession of sub-characters such as Brian and Marcio a gay couple from number 4, a dried up middle aged lady from across the road and a token black called Percy who is dead clever. Gerard and Angela ran for a number of weeks before being closed down after parents complained that their children had suddenly started showing interest in advertising, making constant music comparisons to Fleet Foxes and Joanna Newsom and impatiently tapping their laminated school bus pass on the glass coffee table around 8pm each evening after dinner.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-63034567766702190392010-07-20T00:58:00.000-07:002010-07-20T00:59:16.987-07:00127 People/Habits/Holocaust DeniersThere are people who will deny anything. Whether it be telling an angry red-faced Catalonian in Covent Garden ‘No, I’m afraid I don’t know where Leicester Square is’ or facing a wigged gentleman with the line ‘But obviously she looks younger in her uniform’ we’re all at it. Some take it further than others. In 1984 8 year old Wolverhampton schoolboy Martin Fregold started the Holocaust Denier movement by shouting ‘No he didn’t no he didn’t no he didn’t’ over and over again during a war documentary in his history class. What started as a defiant display against primary school teacher Mr Warcombes rather bad mood ended in the thousands of Germans, Austrians and American UFO abductees entirely rejecting the Nazi treatment and slaughter of millions of jews during the third reich. It also led to Fregold getting detention, a letter being sent to his parents, a D on his History report and Fregold himself being bought up in front of a war crimes tribunal in Geneva and hanged as a traitor to humanity. Other famous denying movements include the Saab Marketing Team, Lenny Henrys talent agent, Holocaust Denier Deniers, the Stoke on Trent appreciation society and the more generalised ‘Yeah, as if’ movement by 12 year old Annie Porter from Stockport. If she gets her way nothing will have ever happened and the whole world will be pulled screaming into a space/time tear the size of Vanessa Feltz.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-89664911747840969102010-07-20T00:50:00.000-07:002010-07-20T00:58:41.525-07:00126 Prophecies/Scary Prophecy/The End of Days<br /><br />The End Time or End of Days has various meanings in different religions. The Jesus janglers reckon it’s a time of tribulation and the Messiah will usher in the kingdom of god. Your Jew will tell you its the coming of Mashiach, the anointed king. And a Muslim will point at the day of Judgement, Allah’s final assessment of humanity. Fortunately they are all wrong. It’s not as bad as that. Phew! Coz your average human doesn’t stand a chance against the erratic perfection of omnipotent god. (41 Puzzles/Mysteries/Omnipotence Paradox).<br />The actual end of days is a time prophesied by the Great Mungo in 150,000BC. You can now see the problem with this BC/AD malarkey. The span of recorded history is thought to be 5,000 years but little do scientists know, enlightened humans who could write have been around a lot longer. It was just that they were sensible and kept their numbers small so they weren’t a strain on the planet, and that’s why they don’t appear in the fossil record. Natural de-selection eroded this enlightened, god-like being until they became the fornicating, sex obsessed, planet plunderers we have today. <br />The Great Mungo 152,010 years ago foresaw the final battle between good and evil, between greed and sharing, between Bill Gates and Benedict Farse. All subsequent legends have been based on this one true prophecy: Cain and Able, Jesus and the Devil, Kylie and Jason just tawdry copy cat imitations. And Mungo in his wisdom decided to leave out the detail as to who was the good guy and who was the baddie. That is for you to decide. Who do you choose? The Lamb or the Beast? Team Gates or Team Farse?Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-82619263451256622932010-07-20T00:47:00.000-07:002010-07-20T00:49:41.706-07:00125 Animals/Humans/MindThe common definition of mind is ‘that aspect of intellect and consciousness experienced as combinations of thought, perception, memory, emotion, will and imagination’. But that’s exactly what it wants you to think. <br />The mind is like the distant cousin on your mother’s side that you should not serve Sunny Delight. He seems alright but you never quite know what he’s going to do. One minute stroking the cat, the next exploding it to furry bits using anally applied fireworks. <br />If you think your mind is different, it is only because it is biding its time. You feel in control now, but there will come the day where it will post a steaming turd through your letterbox. Or shred your entire wardrobe with the garden shears. Or scratch every one of your music CD’s with a pentagram, and your DVD’s with a childish depiction of an ejaculating penis. <br />The mind is not to be trusted. <br />There is one way to get the better of your mind and that is to view it as a tool. An extremely imperfect tool, like the B&Q budget set. One day you accidently fracture your nose and lose an eye when the cheap hammer breaks and smashes you in the face. You then decide to pay up and replace it with the Stanley Fatmax range. What is the Fatmax? That’s for you to find out (see 333 Puzzles/Mysteries/Fatmax)<br />Never believe you are your mind. Descartes’ Cogito ergo sum: I think therefore I am, is wrong. Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum; I think that I think therefore I think I am, is closer to the truth, but still wrong. Find your Fatmax and realise the truth.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-14408804719587472352010-06-27T13:32:00.000-07:002010-06-27T13:39:02.132-07:00WWW.CultComedy.NETOur new site is <a href="http://www.CultComedy.net">www.CultComedy.NET</a>. It is 145.67% funnier than this old site and 53.6% more likely to get laid by Emma BuntonBenedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-26530836016634444082010-06-22T07:15:00.000-07:002010-06-22T07:16:57.765-07:00124 Mysteries/Puzzles/Credit Crunch124 Mysteries/Puzzles/Credit Crunch<br /><br />A credit crunch is a reduction in the number of loans from a bank; less money, less wealth, less stuff. So why is your best mate still driving a new car every six months, going on fancy holidays and sending his mum flowers on a weekly basis. This is due to a human selection bias. Simply put you have many friends all doing slightly better than you in one area of your life. But your bastard mind makes it look like all of them are doing incredibly well in all areas of life and laughs at your pathetic achievements. Dust off that Duke of Edinburgh bronze award and be proud. But that’s another story (See 125 Animals/Humans/Mind).<br />Maximilly Von Lucrative (See 98 Employment/jobs/lawyers) invented the credit crunch in an attempt to bankrupt Benedict Farse (See 30 Animals/Humans/Bill Gates). To create a credit crunch you need a sustained period of careless and inappropriate lending. Loans turn sour. This leads to losses for lenders and the borrowers. Interest rates should normally rise to make it more difficult to borrow, less money and everyone goes bankrupt. But this hasn’t happened. Interest rates have gone down and there is more money sloshing about than lube at a lesbian lido. <br />What went wrong? <br />Nothing.<br />Max is right on course to bring down the Mighty Farse. Because Max is a really evil man, he has decided to inflate the bubble again, so the impending crash will be even more catastrophic. <br />Fortunately Max has such utter, diabolical adamantine depravity he will inflate this bubble to infinity. So one new pence invested today will be worth the Universe at the limit of Max’s shocking malevolence. Benedict Farce realises this and has open a Post Office savings account. <br />The only thing that can go wrong is if Max Von Lucrative realises his flawed logic or if Nature wins its appeal and Max is banished from the Universe.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-74889611962754071682010-01-09T08:45:00.000-08:002010-01-09T08:47:33.606-08:00123 INVENTIONS/MATHEMATICS/THE EQUALS SIGN123 INVENTIONS/MATHEMATICS/THE EQUALS SIGN<br /><br />The Equals sign (=)was invented in 1557 by Welsh mathematician Robert Recorde. He chose the two lines because as he put it "noe 2 thynges can be moare equalle". Upon hearing this his research assistant, Dai 'Taffy' Edwards, was immediately plunged into a coma. <br />Like all research assistants Taffy did all the thinking, and it was this phrase that locked his enormous brain in a never ending iterative logic cycle. No 2 things more equal? Taffy could think of many things more equal than a couple of hastily drawn lines. The size of his bosses stupidity and the size of the universe for starters. <br />2 dots : would have been a lot more accurate and more simple than those 2 lines. What about a simple line _, and leave the observer to appreciate the beauty of where that line dissects into 2 equal parts? <br />Taffy's logic loop grew in size and anger. However, Robert Recorde thought that Taffy was sulking again because he'd nicked yet another of his ideas. Robert ignored the danger of Taffy's ever increasing head temperature and used it to dry out his tea towels. <br />Near death and after drying 1300 Irish linen cloths, Taffy's thought processes were freed. Taffy went beyond thought. He realised that thoughts were not important. He realised that the core thought was the "I" thought and was neither positive or negative. Just a conceptual pointer towards something that does not exist. Concepts can never grasp the real. Taffy was not real, Robert was not real and the world and the Universe was not real. Taffy woke up. <br />He took the almost dry tea-towel off his rapidly cooling head and left Robert to get on with meaningless nonsense. <br />Taffy having discovered the secret of immortality, is alive today amusing himself by trying to convince Benedict Farse to leave Bill Gates alone.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-27925730008489022862009-08-14T14:07:00.000-07:002009-08-14T14:09:14.127-07:00122 HUMANS/ANIMALS/1980’s POP ICONSWhat are they doing now? Well most of them are getting together to do reunion concerts in order to save the world from the Credit Crunch. The better question is what have they been doing up until now?It is widely appreciated that the legends of 80’s pop such as <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Nik</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Kershaw</span>, Gary Newman, Rick <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Astley</span>, Phil Oakley and Joe <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Dolce</span> are musical prodigies the like that has not been seen since Mozart. Indeed some commentators remark that they are better than the classical legends, the main <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">NME</span> magazine argument being ‘Did Wolfgang play Live Aid? No! <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Kershaw</span> did.’<br />Having contributed a vast legacy of influential, uplifting, world uniting and not forgetting catchy tunes, the Paladins of Pop all jointly decided to give further to mankind by joining mediocre local level bands. And such is their humility they also agreed to take on the minor band roles that no one really wants.<br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Astley</span> plays third triangle in Shropshire based 10 piece triangle band ‘My Lumpy Triangle’.ABC front man Martin Fry is roadie for Christian Folk group ‘The Jumping Jesus’, despite his preternatural ability to nail the tricky bit in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Kumbaya</span>. And the genius that is <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Nik</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Kershaw</span> unpretentiously plays the drums for Dad Rock Band ‘Papa <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Snax</span>’.<br />Unfortunately ‘Papa <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Snax</span>’ is managed by evil mastermind Lucius Von Sprout. Lucius plans to infiltrate society by booking gigs at schools across Britain. Starting by playing the glorious power ballads of the 80’s they will be come the darlings of young society and the most popular band in Britain. Slowly, imperceptibly Von Sprout will change the bands direction by slipping a few subversive protest songs into the set, such as Pink Floyd’s ‘We Don’t Need No Education’ and ‘Small Town Boy’ by <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Bronski</span> Beat.<br />Over the course of years the band will evolve into the genre of Doom Metal and mentally influence the children of the nation, without anyone noticing. If Mr Sprout has his way the traditional heart warming Nativity Play will become a gore fest, with primary school children dressing up as bleeding <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Jesuses</span> and playing <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">Obscura</span> Arcana <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">Mortis</span> by Forgotten Tomb.<br />The boy <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">Kershaw</span> knows of his plan, as he was told by Saint <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">Jimi</span> of Hendrix in a dream. This is why he joined the band. Evil shall not prevail. No one except <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">Kershaw</span> knows how to stop Lucius Von Sprout. But we do know it involves the snood, seven pairs of fingers gloves and the lyrics to ‘The Riddle’.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-91781791007172381512009-08-06T12:19:00.000-07:002009-08-06T12:20:33.478-07:00121 Transport/Drivers/Post Office Vans DriversPost Office Van (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">POV</span>) drivers wrote the 'Highway <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Cvnt</span>', the variant of the Highway Code used by Bus drivers (see 1 Transport/Public Transport Buses).<br />Taxi drivers have 3 posters on their bedroom walls; Oswald Mosley, Eva <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Braun</span> and Gupta Singh, Post Office Van Driver of the year 2005. A <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">POV</span> driver is the only thing a taxi fears.<br />There is no engine in the Post Office van, that burnt out long ago. Instead it is fuelled by the drivers squealing anger. The raging fury at having to do the menial task of delivering parcels while they wait for their genius to be recognised. Most <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">POV</span> drivers are failed magicians, novelists or golfers. They are all bagpipe playing Freemasons.<br />They have only one skill: to drive a van with such <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">erraticism</span> and speed as to cause Beelzebub himself to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">papper</span> his snacks in appreciation of their dedication to mayhem.<br />Nothing can survive inside a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">POV</span> and so God created the parcel pixie to mend the damage.<br />The shrill, shrieking <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">cocophony</span> created by the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">POV</span> was voted the second most terrifying noise in the Universe by the Council of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Accousticness</span>. The first of course being Cold Play.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-91236929031674381962009-08-04T13:18:00.000-07:002009-08-04T13:21:25.124-07:00120 Animals/Humans/Japanese WomenJapanese women were put on the earth by God to give paedophiles something legal to do. And it almost worked. Until 1994, most youngsters outside of a church environment could skip around quite freely in playgrounds and shopping centres without the fear of an unknown uncle offering them a lift to see his latest litter of Afghans. The soft skin, cute silliness, partiality to gym-slips and virtually hair-free bodies of Gods newest creation kept the youngster-obsessed social outcasts confined to oxygen bars in Soho and ordering their evenings entertainment directly from the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">internet</span>. All that changed however in the early spring of 1994 when the rather horrid Dr Wu’s Hairy Asian Beaver website opened its domain to the masses. Such was the utter disgust at Linda <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Chu</span> from Osaka’s unkempt downstairs areas that instantly all the worlds paedophiles switched straight back to their original preferences. It would seem then that the Japanese woman had no further use on the planet and Pope <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Geldof</span> the 3rd was given his instructions to deal with the situation. And that would have been that, had it not been for a rather unfortunate incident in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Splitlipskis</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Gentlemens</span> venue in Prague the following day, where a particular worse for wear God was so impressed with the accuracy in leggy Sun <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Pok</span>’s use of her creators carefully crafted reproductive organs to fire ping pong balls at St Peters head from the stage that he instantly issued a statement to the pope that he should stop the cull immediately. To this day, Japanese women continue to thrive in all areas of the world such as niche <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">internet</span> porn genres, all thanks to a little-known stripper in Eastern Europe and her incredible powerful vagina. Although it is rumoured that God does now admit in his upcoming autobiography ‘Bible 2: I Can’t Be Everywhere at Once You Know – <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">HaHa</span>’ that Yoko Ono was indeed a mistake.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-37353513233627340252009-08-03T12:59:00.000-07:002009-08-03T13:07:24.940-07:00119 Singers/Female Singers/The World's BestThe World’s best female vocalist is 14 year old Sandra <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Argentaria</span>. Streisand, Dion, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Beckham</span>: all pretenders in comparison. Unfortunately her audience is only one person; her father, M25 corridor travelling salesmen Arthur <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Argentaria</span>.<br />Arthur took custody of Sandra in 1995 because his obsession for satellite navigation gadgetry drove his wife mad and into the local lunatic larder. <br />Arthur’s only skill was selling <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">SatNav</span> and so he had to continue his pointless job in order to provide for his family. Sandra would accompany him on his jobs learning her songs from the car stereo. Her voice grew in timbre, melody and assonance in the back of his Ford Focus, bringing joy and comfort to Arthur. Arthur soothed became a better salesman and promotion followed. As his car upgraded it seemed Sandra’s voice would upgrade too; with the Ford Focus Coupe came deeper resonance, the C-max brought <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">diapasonal</span> consonance and when the 5 door <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Mondeo</span> Titanium X arrived she managed to nail the tricky bit in that Titanic song.<br />Unfortunately because of the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">SatNav</span> in those cars and because Arthur was a huge fan of the Terminator films, the songs would be interrupted by the Arnie <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">TomTom</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Voiceskin</span>.<br />Not having the common sense guidance of a mother, Sandra would faithfully replicate Mr <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Swarzenegger</span>’s guttural Austrian dialect. Halfway through Whitney Houston’s ‘I will always love you’, Sandra would sing ‘I will always take the 3rd exit on the left at the next roundabout’. Meat Loaf’s power ballad ‘I’d Do Anything for Love (but I Won’t Do That)’ became ‘I’d Do Anything for Love but I wont follow the road for another 8 miles’ Even with Sandra’s beautiful voice, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Sinead</span> O’Connor’s ‘Nothing Compares 2 U Calculating a New Route’ and Barry White’s ‘You’re The First, The Last, The Next Turning on The Right’ would lose some romantic appeal when punctuated with Arnie’s deeply terrifying voice . The world is simply not ready for Teutonic-voice punctuated, road related, instructional love songs.<br />Of course Sandra could be retrained and wipe the floor on X-Factor, she would become an international superstar bringing joy, exalted bliss and serenity to the world. Her mother’s sanity would be restored at seeing her daughter achieve her true potential. But Mr <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Argentaria</span>’s gadget obsessed, blinkered world view prevents him from seeing the abundance available to him. Fortunately, most men are not like Arthur <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Argentaria</span>, other wise the world be full of missed opportunities and in a right mess.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-6702403691373112352009-07-26T09:23:00.000-07:002009-07-26T09:24:05.746-07:00118 Emotions/Feeling/LoveMany think the concept of love is not amenable to one authoritative definition. Philosophy and Religion have speculated for centuries, and recently psychologists, biologists, anthropologists and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">neuroscientists</span> have added to the debate and made it as complicated as a transvestite's make up bag.<br />Curiously this is the most appropriate definition for love. Like a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Tranny</span> Bag, love contains mystery, colour, illusion, and an enormous amount of chemicals.<br />The possible combinations of the ingredients are colossal. Most people's love ends up looking like Jordan (aka Katie Price); all the bits are there but deep down you still know it's a bloke. Often love is a Danny La Rue or a Lilly Savage; a passable definition, strangely attractive, but wont stand up to meticulous scrutiny.<br />Occasionally things can go really wrong and you get Norman Wisdom in a dress with only crudely applied blue eye shadow as a concession to femininity. This is disastrous as only the very cruel and terminally mean could kick the hapless Wisdom out on to the streets. And so this loves endures until one party dies, and we all know Norman is indestructible.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-14908167544109666642009-07-25T11:21:00.000-07:002009-07-25T11:23:16.121-07:00117 Humans/Jobs/Prostitution<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Rimington</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Smyth</span>-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Knismesis</span> is the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">gentleman's</span> gentlemen and the best paid hooker in the world. Remington specialises in the needs of the urbane, well-healed individual and is in constant demand. He has exacting standards of his <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">clientele</span>, and they must be immaculately turned out before they can enter his chambers. His manservant, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Nickleby</span> Nonce, is there to provide last minute grooming for punters who arrive slightly dishevelled. Spit and polish shoe shining, wet shave, manicure and fluffing are just some of Mr Nonce's services.<br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Rimington</span> will greet his customers with a firm handshake and a pithy comment concerning the weather. Hand relief and oral are they only utilities he supplies, and is expert in both. The whole messy business is over in seconds. His real skill lies in the mop up operation as any stray flying semen is quickly cleared and banished to his patented 'seed incinerator'. Awkward silences are smoothed over with his masterful knowledge of cricket and adroit prediction of England's chances in the latest test.<br />Unsurprisingly <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Rimington</span> is not popular with the ladies. He thinks a clitoris is a type of fruit to be found in New Guinea.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-83941557584746881792009-07-11T02:37:00.000-07:002009-07-11T02:41:26.000-07:00116 Humans/Inflictions/Ability through DisabilityDeaf people have a very valuable skill in lip reading. They get to 'hear' all the good swear words that are 'beeped' out of You've Been Framed. Similarly lip people can deaf read; mutes can read ears to find out what is going on. This is a very specialist skill as most mutes can hear, and deaf mutes can lip read anyway.<br />These skills are usually developed through cruel necessity. However, Smudge Deaf people have a very valuable skill in lip reading. They <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Maxwelton</span>, a spy for MI6, developed them out of boredom. Smudge was a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">preternaturally</span> gifted individual. Double first from Oxford and Cambridge in 17 subjects (per University), holder of running, jumping, throwing, shooting, swimming and snuggling World records, Grandmaster martial artist of all 1023 known styles and 2541 unknown ones, Grandmaster chess player, Grandmaster <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Soduku</span>, Grandmaster <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Reiki</span> and Grandmaster Flash (he <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">DJs</span> at weekends). Eventually, Smudge ran out of things to learn and turned his attention to ear reading.<br />He quickly became a Grandmaster Ear Reader and it became his obsession, discovering new principles, techniques and minutiae he took the art to new levels of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">understanding</span>. One of the effects he discovered was ‘Sensory <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Interference</span> from Earlobe Micro Waggle’. Whilst spying on arch nemesis Otto Von Lucifer from the obligatory position of apparent safety, he failed to notice Otto shout ‘Get that <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Cnut</span>!’ point to his hiding place and the dozen armed-guards descend upon him. This was due to Otto's earlobes vibrating at very high frequency interfering with his normal sight and hearing senses. Smudge was caught and quickly dispatched, Otto being efficiently ruthless and not giving the spy the usual sporting chance to escape. This is cited as the best example of disability through ability.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-13766328197815327472009-07-08T14:56:00.000-07:002009-07-08T14:58:33.742-07:00115 Humans/Speech/The Great Vowel ShiftNo one really knows why or how the first vowel shifted. Some speculate that it was because of fashionable imitation of an admired or powerful person as is alleged to be the origin of the Spanish lisp. This is in fact the correct answer. People love to imitate and pretend to be something they are not.<br />The Spanish were lucky. Many now extinct tribes have copied some terrible and pernicious traits. The Hen people of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Ailsa</span> Craig, Scotland had a glorious and fabulous leader in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Morag</span>. She was kind, beautiful, intelligent and benevolent, but had a habit of pecking people on the head. One person doing this would have been fine, but the entire population decided to emulate their Queen and soon became extinct from brain <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">aneurysms</span>.<br />The Tabbies of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Farne</span> Island, England looked up to Peter the Cheetah for his wisdom, sense of justice and lithe graceful movements, but soon died out for copycatting his <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">preponderance</span> for late night wailing and territory marking sessions.<br />On Samson Island, UK the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Barnetmen</span> followed a priest named Michael Bolton to their deaths for spending too much time on their <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">preposterously</span> elaborate hairdos.<br />Perhaps the most senseless waste of life was witnessed on Goat Island, New York. The most admired person here was <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Brentford</span> Ulysses <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Brentford</span> Xavier <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Brentford</span> Nylons the Third. He was the islands top Bladder Ball player and charming, generous and gallant to a fault. But Brent had the nasty habit of getting drunk after games and making animal shapes with his scrotum. The Bat, Bunny and Rattlesnake were great crowd <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">pleasers</span> but the Goat was his trademark. This involved tucking his entire package between his legs so that his member and scrunched sack could be seen protruding from his backside, vaguely resembling an annoyed ram. Once again the people of Goat Island imitated the wrong trait and soon the male islanders as a source of pride and prowess would walk about with their tackle trussed up. This severely damaged sperm production and they were wiped out within a generation.<br />If history teaches us anything (and it <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">doesn</span>’t) then it is to be yourself.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-48934556325675942302009-07-07T12:54:00.000-07:002009-07-07T12:57:23.617-07:00114 Emotion/Controlling Emotion/RevengeApparently revenge is a dish best served cold. And with this in mind biochemist Kenneth <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Bumford</span> paid a visit to his unfaithful boyfriend Harry Monk, armed with a canister of liquid nitrogen and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">administered</span> his own ‘special frosty enema’. This was not the first time slightly dodgy advice had been <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">misinterpreted</span>. The surprise <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">rimy</span>, rectal injection caused Harry to enter a partial cryogenic suspension. Fortunately the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Leidenfrost</span> effect had Mr Monk skittering around the room on his exposed backside, like bunched drops of water on a hot frying pan, and warmed him up enough to defrost him back to life. In a freak coagulation event, bright blue ice hexagons dropped out of Harry’s chapped bottom. Intrigued by the phenomena Ken analysed the cerulean shapes at the lab and correctly identified them as the Aids virus that Harry had caught from his illicit fling. Ken had saved Harry’s life. Harry overjoyed vowed never to stray again. Ken forgave Harry and the two homosexuals adopted 7 children and lived happily ever after.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-77265270469891549602009-07-03T15:29:00.000-07:002009-07-03T15:31:35.495-07:00113 The Bible/Gospels/The Lost Gospel of KeithIt is not well known that many gospels did not make the final Biblical cut. There are at least a dozen gospels, including the Gospels of Thomas, Peter, Nicodemus and Mary Magdalen. The reason for this was that they contained stories that were even more <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">embarrassingly</span> implausible than the 4 that made it past the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">ecclesiastical</span> censorship.<br />The worst offender was the Gospel according to Keith. Jesus and Keith were great childhood friends and inseparable. He would persuade Jesus to cause mischief with his divine powers. <br />Nails to rubber was one of their favourites, and they very much enjoyed running away from an irate, hammer wielding Joseph, who could never quite finish the wardrobe he had been working on for years.<br />Speaking in Lungs abused the power of omniscience and voice throwing. ‘Cut out the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Rothmans</span> Granddad!’ could be heard emanating from the rib cage of bronchitic pensioners. This was <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">particularly</span> unnerving for the sufferer not least because they had possessed chests, but also because they had absolutely no idea what a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Rothman</span> was 1,890 years prior to the invention of that brand of cigarette.<br />Walking on Daughter would see Jesus hovering above the women at the local synagogue, especially at Bat <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Mitzvahs</span>.<br />Water to swine was one of Keith’s too.<br />Keith laments in his gospel that Jesus changed for the worst when he found religion and their fun loving <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">relationship</span> was lost forever. He also gripes that Jesus never gave him due credit for the ideas that he later developed and used to convert people. Especially the Healing Pig Tree. Not <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">surprisingly</span> Keith’s writings were ‘mislaid’ along with the Women Are Better Than Men Scrolls.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-42862948654398747222009-07-01T13:36:00.000-07:002009-07-01T13:38:19.071-07:00112 Law/EU Bureaucracy/Song LyricsAfter 31 December 2009, it will become illegal to make any mention of feet and inches, pounds and ounces, pints and gallons in activities relating to economics, health, safety, administration and song lyrics. This is good and bad news. The ever emotive ‘the pounding of my heart’ becomes the sanitised ‘ the 453.59237 <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">gramming</span> of my heart’. However the Rolling Stones are ‘pleased in principle’ at their future name change to The Rolling 6.35 kilograms, and the Italian crooner Paolo <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Conte</span> will provide great hilarity as he tries to get his <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">latin</span> tongue around ‘Happy 30.48 centimetres’.<br />The band ‘Nine Inch Nails’ has had a mare. A nail is 1/16<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">th</span> of a yard. They are not happy and have asked if they can combine and round up to the slightly more simple 0.04 metres.<br />The front man of the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Pogues</span>, Shane McGowan, is furious. He is no longer allowed to say firkin and has to use 318.2 litres instead.<br />The esoteric post rock madness art band ‘Bushel <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Bovate</span> Barleycorn and the Butt Hundred Weight Ounce Pints’ are as pleased as Punch, as their name works out to be the very cool ‘Mega Mole’, which saves them loads on printing costs. By extraordinary coincidence, Mega Mole’s imperial unit obsessed lyrics translate into beautiful sonnets that have been hailed as the modern Shakespeare and sales of their 16 concept albums are set to soar in 2010.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-79991561648690540742009-06-30T10:40:00.000-07:002009-06-30T10:43:21.125-07:00111 Sport/Dangerous Sports/Extreme ExplanationExplaining the rules of cricket in Japanese to a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">scaffolder</span> on his tea break is one of the most hazardous things a person can attempt. And for this reason it attracts only a limited number of danger junkies. The idea is to have the worker put down his brew and say ‘Ah-So!’ in an exclamation of far eastern enlightenment. However, ‘Ar5<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">ehole</span>!’ and a beating are more usual.<br />Extreme Explanation (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">EE</span>) started with Richard Taut to help him get through the terrors of teaching at inner city schools. Dick’s speciality was ‘<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Agro</span> Algebra’ and he could easily get across the salient points of quadratic equations whilst dodging phlegm and sharpened compasses. At the height of his game he could make even the most delinquent <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">pre</span>-pubescent understand axiomatic algebraic systems and their topological applications. This later caused Billy ‘Battery Acid’ <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Bateman</span> great consternation as he suddenly started contemplating the axiom of the empty cash register as he held up the Welcome Break at South <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Mimms</span> service area at junction 23 on the M25 Motorway. <br />Like all extreme sports there are casualties and the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">EE</span> community are praying hard for Jacob <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Funt</span> who attempted the ‘Pain’ gambit. The task was to explain to his wife why biologically women can endure more pain than men and so are best equipped to give birth. He undertook this 18 hours into her protracted and very unpleasant labour. The ensuing verbal torrent would have made a Regimental Sergeant Major dressed as a Goth blush, and caused severe psychological scarring to the Midwives present. It is unknown what the effect on Jacob was, due to the coma it induced. Mother and baby are doing fine.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-30432883967105819402009-06-29T13:09:00.000-07:002009-06-29T13:11:48.903-07:00110 Humans/Needs/DrugsHumans have been using medication to lift their spirits for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">millennia</span>. More people die in one day from alcohol abuse than the combined annual deaths from pot, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">shrooms</span>, ecstasy and acid. About the same number that die in 1 week from cocaine. Obviously the government’s war on drugs is working by reducing the menu of drugs available and encouraging people to take the more destructive and expensive substances.<br />On the plus side certain species are getting high for free. Jaguars, lemurs and bees love getting mashed. They chew bark, suck on millipedes, and even eat each other’s wax in pursuit of getting wasted. No fancy cocktails and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">dwarfs</span> carrying bowls of processed coca leaves for these hardcore party animals.<br />In short we have forgotten how to do it properly. The media fill our heads with images of exotic bars, glamorous rock stars and gorgeous coke whores. People need a lesson from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Agues</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">McCatheter</span>, Scotland’s premier tramp. No one knows the age of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Agues</span>, as he has always existed, but he looks about 59. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">McCatheter</span> is completely resistant to the usual effects of alcohol and often uses it to sober up. His favourite tipple is his own urine; generations of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Trampdom</span> has produced a self-reliant species, his internal organs having evolved so as to turn any liquid into an intoxicant. On particularly heavy sessions <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Agues</span> can be seen sobering up on the Diamond White and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Tallisker</span> at his local wine shop, Thrashers. Soon his golden elixir is flowing and mayhem ensues. On his last binge he was able to be ‘Best Pals’ with the whole of England and half of Wales, an incredible feat for a Scot. So intense was his experience that he completely skipped the ‘domestic violence’ and ‘the self-loathing, I love you, I’ll never do it again’ phases and settle nicely into reminiscing about 70’s television programs. Not since the Sag brothers (See 82 Humanity/Vanity/Plastic Surgery) has a town witness such bizarre high jinx. In 5 <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">amphetaminesque</span> hours he had shrunk 14 Churches and with ingenious application of super glue replaced them with 40-foot high ‘Towers of Cow’. He still had time to thrill the Turkish population of Aberdeen by eating a year’s supply of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">doner</span> kebabs; the resulting ‘Tower of Salad’ exceeded the cows by 8ft. When the fight stage finally took hold, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">McCatheter</span> created a mini Amsterdam in Scotland with loads of nakedness and windmills.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-84735395682166676302009-06-24T14:29:00.001-07:002009-06-24T14:29:57.342-07:00109 Attributes/Bravery/HeroPeople need heroes, even heroes. Geriatric 95-year-old bare-knuckle champion Sally Shingles is the hero’s hero. The British government have been trying to decorate Sally since 1914. She has so far turned down 14 Victoria Crosses, 26 Military Crosses, and a Blue Peter Gold badge. She <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">doesn</span>’t think she is particularly brave. She just loves fighting. When asked what was her biggest regret of World War II, she replied ‘When it ended.’ Her favourite weapons are her hands, followed closely by her tartan shopping trolley.<br />In the 1950’s she got cancer and simply told it to get out. She beat Winston Churchill in a ‘Who Has Got The Most Testicles Competition’. By four.<br />Sally’s biggest test was capturing <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Osama</span> Bin Laden. Shingles was deep undercover in Afghanistan and one of the few people who look good in a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Burka</span>, so was ideally placed to attempt the honey trap. Unfortunately, Sally got carried away and took out all of Bin Laden’s elite guard whilst experimenting with the application of the veil as a deadly weapon. Fortunately, Laden was so impressed with the shapes she was pulling, the devastating moves and lightening reflexes that he instantly fell in love and agreed to become one of her house husbands. The reason that there is mystery as to whether Bin is a live or dead is because he his in fact retired. He lives happily in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Kilburn</span> with Sally’s collection of dictators and testicles. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Osama</span>’s duties are feeding the cats and tucking Hitler in at night, reading him his bedtime story while Ms Shingles is away on missions.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-88832592339429668092009-06-23T12:20:00.000-07:002009-06-23T12:26:49.856-07:00108 Humans/Skills/ConmenGood <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">conmen</span> never get caught. Charles <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Ponzi</span>, Kilroy-Silk, Princess Di: all off to a good start, but eventually found out.<br />The best conman is currently 24-year-old Frank Kosher. At his birth he had the ‘Extra Milk Scam’ working, persuading the midwives in attendance to lactate, including the male nurses. By 2 he was <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">grifting</span> his old worn dummies, exchanging them for baby strollers and cabbage patch dolls in what has since become known as the ‘Great <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Mothercare</span> Swindle’. At the age of 9 he had graduated to the long con and his version of the ‘Fiddle’ involving donkeys and circus <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">dwarfs</span> was raking in £20,000 a week.<br />When puberty struck Frank was ready to take confidence trickery to a new level and invented the Tate Stone Fence. Inspired by the audacity of the Brit Art movement of the mid 90’s, he erected a barrier outside Tate Britain made entirely from marijuana resin, coated the structure with a granite composite, erected a sign announcing ‘Stoned Fence’ and stood by dressed as a dishevelled Rastafarian policeman, complete with dreadlocks and truncheon. The critics saw a work of genius, the criminals an opportunity. Attracted to the installation by the chance to off load their stolen items at a good drug induced price they were immediately confronted by the metaphysics and warping implications of the piece. Confused they handed the items over in exchange for an ‘Evening All’. The best cons are legal cons, such as the Insurance Industry or the Royal Family, so Frank would return the items to their owners and claim the reward. He scaled the business by opening branches outside every major art gallery including the Le Louvre, Guggenheim and the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Setagaya</span>.<br />On his 18<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">th</span> Birthday Frankie retired and donated his entire fortune to charity by setting up the Kosher Foundation. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">KF</span> did a lot of good work in its first year but attracted the usual hoard of embezzlers so Frank came out of retirement and taught them all a lesson by fleecing his own philanthropic enterprise, quadrupling his money in the process. <br />Frank Kosher is the 3rd richest man in the world and good mates with Benedict <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Farse</span> (See 30 Animals/Humans/Bill Gates, 93 Finance/Money/Hierarchy of Charities, 98 Employment/Jobs/Lawyers and 104 Humans/Power/The Power Behind The Throne). Bill Gates is unaware of this relationship and the 2 friends often giggle at the futility of Billie’s situation.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6797058084648227116.post-83116855112788577942009-06-22T12:13:00.000-07:002009-06-22T12:14:57.214-07:00107 Humans/Skills/Being MoronicOn the last Monday of October in offices everywhere someone will comment that it is getting dark really early in the evenings. Less depressingly they may note that it is good to see the mornings getting lighter. In reality Daylight Saving Time has played its trick on the thick. The evenings have been getting shorter since the Summer Solstice in mid June, and only the dense point it out 4 months later. It is the same mutton flaps that wearily whine ‘not too bad for a Tuesday’ when asked about their disposition. Or as the weekend approaches ‘<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">TFI</span> Friday!’ thus triggering the revolting association of bespectacled <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">gingerness</span> with forced fun.<br />Why are these people tolerated, indeed positively encouraged with weak laughter as they spout their astoundingly bereft observations? By rights their irritating catch phrases and tiresome mewling should induce cathartic violence leading to their death. However, they provide an invaluable service and are in fact a spiritual lubricant. <br />They shake us from our dream state and make us notice sunset and sunrise, stopping<br />us from trying to make sense of life by solving riddles but instead make us see life, in light streaming through clouds, trees and water, in wind waving in trees and hair, and in the imagined blood pouring from their imagined broken noses.Benedict Farsehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06853016620445860728noreply@blogger.com0