Two Gods, having a day off from being Omnipotent, got to wonder who would win a fight between the artistic and intellectual movement of 18th century Western Europe and the Dictators of the 20th century. They set the battlefield by telling the Romantics that the Dictators were just about to destroy a work of extraordinary artistic beauty and intellectual merit, and told the Dictators that there was a bunch of poofs over there calling their absolute rule and cult of personality into question.
Right from the off, Shelley committed suicide at the futility of it all. This sent the Lord Byron into a murderous rage, and he took out Robert Mugabe and Idi Amin with a copy of ‘The Triumph of Life’. He then proceeded to pen such a devastating attack on the character of Stalin, that Joseph lashed out at his nearest and dearest and had Hitler and Thatcher executed.
Bizarrely Simon Le Bon had got himself mixed up in the bloodshed. Evidently one of the Gods had got Romantics confused with New Romantics. Simon was unsure which side to take: the single ‘The Chauffer’ could stand proudly next to Blake’s Jerusalem but years of survival in the music business had taught him a thing or two about genocide. The Gods quickly realised their mistake and had him replaced by the Marquis de Sade. De Sade got busy torturing valuable strategic information out of Noriega, but Castro retaliated with a Cuban cigar smoke screen. Khomeini and Hussein upped the ante by introducing propaganda in the form of persuasive religious arguments, tying the Romantics in philosophical knots, until Rousseau got them thinking about the ‘noble savage’ and reinstated reason.
The war lasted 20 blood stained lace, leather jackboot scuffed years. Finally the only people standing were Oscar Wilde and Pol Pot. Pol was a massive fan of ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’ and proceeded to pour praise and adulation on Oscar. Being a crafty butcher (he takes his meat around the back) Wilde slit Pot’s throat. The Gods knew all along that the pen is mightier than the sword, particularly when it has been sharpened and shaped like a dagger.
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
74 MUSIC/MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS/THE VAGINA
Before man became infatuated with erotica the primary use for a vagina was as a musical instrument. Procreation was a very tepid third. Various forms of vaginal instrument were available, from the stringed instrument to the percussion.
The stringed instrument was a very delicate affair, involving the ladies pubic hair being strung over the echo cavity and plucked very much like a wee harp.
The wind instrument was perhaps the most difficult to play, relying on exquisite breath control to blow into a catheter that would direct the air over the opening and extraordinary muscle mastery to alter the shape of the chamber and thus produce the different notes.
The Percussion Vagina was not for the faint hearted and special stamina training was required to handle some of the more energetic compositions at the height of Vaginal Music’s popularity.
The Kunt Kazoo was the most popular. The ladies of the orchestra would lay back wearing nothing but wax panties into which the Kunt Kazooist would hum. Kazoo solos could go on, and this is the reason that the popularity of the music died out. No one wanted to train for the more difficult vaginal disciplines when the kazoo was such a pleasure. And no one really wanted to sit through 3 hours of humming and moaning in the name of high art.
The stringed instrument was a very delicate affair, involving the ladies pubic hair being strung over the echo cavity and plucked very much like a wee harp.
The wind instrument was perhaps the most difficult to play, relying on exquisite breath control to blow into a catheter that would direct the air over the opening and extraordinary muscle mastery to alter the shape of the chamber and thus produce the different notes.
The Percussion Vagina was not for the faint hearted and special stamina training was required to handle some of the more energetic compositions at the height of Vaginal Music’s popularity.
The Kunt Kazoo was the most popular. The ladies of the orchestra would lay back wearing nothing but wax panties into which the Kunt Kazooist would hum. Kazoo solos could go on, and this is the reason that the popularity of the music died out. No one wanted to train for the more difficult vaginal disciplines when the kazoo was such a pleasure. And no one really wanted to sit through 3 hours of humming and moaning in the name of high art.
Monday, 9 March 2009
73 HUMANS/CELEBRITY GLAMOUR/FATWA
Ever since Salman Rushdie was sentenced to death by Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomenei in 1989 his career has gone from strength to strength. Far from pushing up the daisies, the sale of his mediocre book bloomed. He now has a super model girl friend, attends swish parties, mixes in the right circles and is a regular feature of Hello magazine. Consequently, celebrities have eschewed the stalker and adopted the Fatwa as the glamorous accessory of choice.
It is extremely easy to get the Islamic Fatwa, just draw attention to some of their beliefs. Soon the Christianity Fatwa will be as commonplace thanks to the handling of Geopolitics by George W. Bush.
The most prestigious and valuable Fatwa will be the Buddhist. Very peaceable people, how exactly do you upset them? According to Morrissey on ‘Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before’, it is by getting them to smash their gonads into a bicycle crossbar. But he is wrong. He didn’t think it through.
Sprinkle Super Strength Regaine hair loss treatment on their bald pates. The constant itchiness of fast growing hair and the annoyance of having to shave every half hour will interfere with their meditation. Soon whole monasteries of incensed monks with scarred bleeding scalps will be making Osama and the boys look like a Barry Manilow tribute band. The Four Noble truths will be become two: suffering and the cause of suffering. The term Dalai Lama will be changed to Dalai Camel, altogether a more belligerent animal. Buddhist teachings will still focus on ‘detachment’, but with an emphasis of limbs.
It is extremely easy to get the Islamic Fatwa, just draw attention to some of their beliefs. Soon the Christianity Fatwa will be as commonplace thanks to the handling of Geopolitics by George W. Bush.
The most prestigious and valuable Fatwa will be the Buddhist. Very peaceable people, how exactly do you upset them? According to Morrissey on ‘Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before’, it is by getting them to smash their gonads into a bicycle crossbar. But he is wrong. He didn’t think it through.
Sprinkle Super Strength Regaine hair loss treatment on their bald pates. The constant itchiness of fast growing hair and the annoyance of having to shave every half hour will interfere with their meditation. Soon whole monasteries of incensed monks with scarred bleeding scalps will be making Osama and the boys look like a Barry Manilow tribute band. The Four Noble truths will be become two: suffering and the cause of suffering. The term Dalai Lama will be changed to Dalai Camel, altogether a more belligerent animal. Buddhist teachings will still focus on ‘detachment’, but with an emphasis of limbs.
Sunday, 8 March 2009
72 MYSTERIES/PUZZLES/WHY MOST EXOTIC ANIMALS TASTE LIKE CHICKEN
Noah, son of Lamech, the tenth generation after Adam, had a ferocious appetite. It is well known that he was 600 years old when God told him to build the Ark. Less well known was that he also weighed 600 pounds. Because of his obesity he could barely move and didn’t actually build the Ark. He had his sons, Ham, Shem and Japeth, erect the boat around him and made them herd ‘every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort ‘ on board. It was going to be a long trip and he wanted to make sure he had plenty of provisions. 40days of rain and then another 150 days of ‘waters prevailing on the earth’, Noah was getting through all the really tasty animals at an alarming rate. Like all fat people, Noah was very sensitive about his weight. Consequently, his wife and sons didn’t like to interrupt his eating, but were getting concerned that eventually all that would be left was chicken and things that tasted like chicken, and not even Noah could stomach that. The Zang Zang bird, the most delightful exquisite flesh that could heal all wounds, had been eaten on the first night - Extinct. The Tuba-beast, the sweetmeats of which could cure blindness, went to make a Tuba-beast and kidney pie during week two - Extinct. Not even the Kensit Bear escaped the clutches of Noah’s epicurean adventures, which is a shame because it was a lot cuter than the Koala. Wolfed down with a gallon of mead – extinct.
Eventually all the delicious meat was gone – forever. Two hundred days and two thousand tantalizingly toothsome types terminated. Selfish fat bastard.
Eventually all the delicious meat was gone – forever. Two hundred days and two thousand tantalizingly toothsome types terminated. Selfish fat bastard.
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
71 POLITICS/TACTICS/SMEAR CAMPAIGNS
Mr Stanley Arthur Tan was the victim of the most horrendous smear campaign in history. Stanley used to be great mates with God, but he had noticed that the Big Feller was starting to lose his grip. In the old days things could not have been better, having a knees up with the heavenly choir, eternal bliss. The Cherubim and Seraphim where blinding at Karaoke, but recently God had them continuously singing his praises and they where sorely missed down the Lamb and Flag on a Friday, ‘We Have All The Time In The World’ wouldn’t sound the same until Louis Armstrong got hold of it millennia later.
It was almost as if the Grand Fromage needed an ego boost. In the old days, he just had to say ‘Fiat Lux’ and a whole Universe would appear. Now it took him six days to create a single planet and He needed to rest after the effort. An eternal being is by definition outside of time, and shouldn’t need an arbitrary period of rotation about the axis of a random planet to gauge his progress. He was definitely struggling and the strain was beginning to show.
Stanley was also feeling guilty about persuading Eve to eat the forbidden fruit; something God had asked him to do, as He lacked the ‘common touch’. Stan thought the punishment was a bit strong for the crime: Eve and Adam and the entire human race that flowed from their loins were damned to ‘eat their bread in the sweat of their brow, to bring forth children in agony, and to suffer death’ all because she munched on a Golden Delicious. Poor Adam what had he done wrong? And Eve? Women cannot help themselves, you just have to watch them shop for shoes to realise that.
The last straw came when the Almighty repented of having created humans and proceeded to murder all but a few of them in a flood. The All-knowing, the Wholly-good was making bad mistakes and getting into genocidal rages.
As Andy Summers said to Sting and The Edge will eventually say to Bono, Stanley said unto God, ‘Listen mate, you’ve lost it. I want out before this gets worse.’
As freedom and autonomy are universal absolutes Stanley simply walked away. As a gesture of goodwill he promised to keep quiet about the Abraham killing his long awaited and only son debacle.
God was furious. He put a press release out that ‘Mr. S.A. Tan had been thrown out of Heaven’ (not even an original smear, Zeus had thrown Hephaetus to earth from the summit of Olympus only last summer). He also decreed that anything bad that happened in the world was to be blamed on Mr. Tan. Initially the campaign didn’t work. God got onto his market researchers to find out why. The reason was that the public could not believe that any man named after a shade of brown could be evil, the only exception being Taupe which isn’t really a colour but a marketing term designed to confuse men in carpet shops at weekends. They suggested merging the initials with the surname into one catchy, attention-grabbing name. Hence the idea of Satan was created. In a final fit of petulance God got an unmarried teenage girl pregnant and arranged for the resulting offspring to be tortured to death in order to create a religion which would go on to murder billions more souls in its name.
At the time of writing Stanley is residing happily in Cornwall, running a small ice cream and Karaoke business.
It was almost as if the Grand Fromage needed an ego boost. In the old days, he just had to say ‘Fiat Lux’ and a whole Universe would appear. Now it took him six days to create a single planet and He needed to rest after the effort. An eternal being is by definition outside of time, and shouldn’t need an arbitrary period of rotation about the axis of a random planet to gauge his progress. He was definitely struggling and the strain was beginning to show.
Stanley was also feeling guilty about persuading Eve to eat the forbidden fruit; something God had asked him to do, as He lacked the ‘common touch’. Stan thought the punishment was a bit strong for the crime: Eve and Adam and the entire human race that flowed from their loins were damned to ‘eat their bread in the sweat of their brow, to bring forth children in agony, and to suffer death’ all because she munched on a Golden Delicious. Poor Adam what had he done wrong? And Eve? Women cannot help themselves, you just have to watch them shop for shoes to realise that.
The last straw came when the Almighty repented of having created humans and proceeded to murder all but a few of them in a flood. The All-knowing, the Wholly-good was making bad mistakes and getting into genocidal rages.
As Andy Summers said to Sting and The Edge will eventually say to Bono, Stanley said unto God, ‘Listen mate, you’ve lost it. I want out before this gets worse.’
As freedom and autonomy are universal absolutes Stanley simply walked away. As a gesture of goodwill he promised to keep quiet about the Abraham killing his long awaited and only son debacle.
God was furious. He put a press release out that ‘Mr. S.A. Tan had been thrown out of Heaven’ (not even an original smear, Zeus had thrown Hephaetus to earth from the summit of Olympus only last summer). He also decreed that anything bad that happened in the world was to be blamed on Mr. Tan. Initially the campaign didn’t work. God got onto his market researchers to find out why. The reason was that the public could not believe that any man named after a shade of brown could be evil, the only exception being Taupe which isn’t really a colour but a marketing term designed to confuse men in carpet shops at weekends. They suggested merging the initials with the surname into one catchy, attention-grabbing name. Hence the idea of Satan was created. In a final fit of petulance God got an unmarried teenage girl pregnant and arranged for the resulting offspring to be tortured to death in order to create a religion which would go on to murder billions more souls in its name.
At the time of writing Stanley is residing happily in Cornwall, running a small ice cream and Karaoke business.
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
70 IDEAS/MONEY SPINNERS/DIETS
Americans spend $150billion annually on diet products; this is equivalent to the gross national product of Ireland, or a lot of Guinness and lucky charms. To loose a pound of weight costs about $600, so going from a 20 stone lard bucket to a svelte 12 stone costs $67,200. Not only are obese people lazy, unhealthy and weak willed they are also very stupid. It is simple: stop eating so much and get some exercise.
However, porcine paunch mongers are creative; It’s my glands, I’m big boned, genetic disposition, I am attractive, these train seats are tiny, but it’s the ‘good’ type of fat, no I couldn’t eat a whole one. This creativity feeds the diet industry, without fat people it wouldn’t exist. All diets are dangerous to the health and none of them work.
The most dangerous diet was the ‘Eat Yourself Thin’ diet created by nutritionist Keith Kineral in 1994. Keith was so frustrated with his corpulent patients continually going against his advice and raiding the larder that he hypnotised them and introduced them to a novel concept. Now every time they felt hungry they would nibble on themselves, thus satisfying the appetite and as bone and ligament are extremely difficult to digest they lost weight quickly. It was also known as the ‘Cannibal’ or the ‘All Pain No Gain’ diet. Not surprisingly, his patients died and Keith went out of business. At last Keith was free of the needy, self-obsessed moaning of unctuous ingrates, and celebrated with a pork pie and a can of fizzy pop.
However, porcine paunch mongers are creative; It’s my glands, I’m big boned, genetic disposition, I am attractive, these train seats are tiny, but it’s the ‘good’ type of fat, no I couldn’t eat a whole one. This creativity feeds the diet industry, without fat people it wouldn’t exist. All diets are dangerous to the health and none of them work.
The most dangerous diet was the ‘Eat Yourself Thin’ diet created by nutritionist Keith Kineral in 1994. Keith was so frustrated with his corpulent patients continually going against his advice and raiding the larder that he hypnotised them and introduced them to a novel concept. Now every time they felt hungry they would nibble on themselves, thus satisfying the appetite and as bone and ligament are extremely difficult to digest they lost weight quickly. It was also known as the ‘Cannibal’ or the ‘All Pain No Gain’ diet. Not surprisingly, his patients died and Keith went out of business. At last Keith was free of the needy, self-obsessed moaning of unctuous ingrates, and celebrated with a pork pie and a can of fizzy pop.
Monday, 2 March 2009
69 CREATIVITY/INVENTIONS/DINOSAURS
The Reverend Hesston Cambridge invented the Dinosaur in 1675, as a test of the faithful. In 1650 bishop James Ussher studied the genealogies of the Old Testament, and calculated the Earth was created in 4004B.C. Hesston fabricated the femur of the Megalosaurus, to make it appear 230 million years old and call into question the age of the Earth, and so the validity of the Bible and the word of God. The Rev. then got busy burying manufactured dinosaur remains all over Britain for erstwhile scientists to uncover, figure out, and collect. Like crop circles, dinosaur counterfeiting soon caught on and the Holy men of the World’s religions started to join in fooling the palaeontologists. Hesston realised it was getting out of control, and in a fit of guilt and panic started leaving clues that would alert the bone experts. He gave the T-Rex tiny thalidomide arms and a big head to make it look impossibly ridiculous, he made the Megalosaur femur look like a pair of human testicles indicating it was all bollocks (Richard Brookes in 1763 actually named it Scrotum Humanum and still didn’t twig), and in an act of total desperation created the Diplodocus, a ludicrously long necked dinosaur that looks like a duck. Unfortunately, the academic community loved it, and the other Holy men were only encouraged to compete, thus spawning the Brontosaurus, Pterodactyl and Cro-Magnon Man. People it seemed were ready to believe another lie. His test had backfired, his ruse was shaking the foundations of religion, and people were losing faith.
Hesston feared for his life, if his subterfuge were ever discovered. He feared for his soul too and prayed for forgiveness until his death of rickets at the age of 45. God was too busy being Omnipotent to notice the Rev. Cambridge’s hoax, but nevertheless claimed it as part of his divine plan. Palaeontologists uncovered Hesston’s last attempt at an apology in 2001; the Latrinosaur, a 600-foot tall winged creature that resembles a lavatory, complete with cistern and flushing mechanism. In its 60-foot beak was inscribed an intricate confession and apology, detailing the methods used to fossilise bone and feathers, and techniques for authentic burial. The BBC has bought the silence of those scientists, and the evidence destroyed, in the process dooming the planet to a diet of increasingly realistic dinosaur documentaries.
Hesston feared for his life, if his subterfuge were ever discovered. He feared for his soul too and prayed for forgiveness until his death of rickets at the age of 45. God was too busy being Omnipotent to notice the Rev. Cambridge’s hoax, but nevertheless claimed it as part of his divine plan. Palaeontologists uncovered Hesston’s last attempt at an apology in 2001; the Latrinosaur, a 600-foot tall winged creature that resembles a lavatory, complete with cistern and flushing mechanism. In its 60-foot beak was inscribed an intricate confession and apology, detailing the methods used to fossilise bone and feathers, and techniques for authentic burial. The BBC has bought the silence of those scientists, and the evidence destroyed, in the process dooming the planet to a diet of increasingly realistic dinosaur documentaries.
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