A fresh cup of deep fried tea is what makes Britain great. The only place you can get deep fried tea is Bernie’s Lardorium, Shoreditch, London, where today’s special is last year’s catch of the day.
Bernard Runnymede has such a disregard for basic hygiene that Microbiologist Monthly voted the Lardorium the most toxic place on earth. It is so pestilential that not even germs can survive, and paradoxically is therefore the safest place to dine.
Bernie has eaten from his own menu for the last 20 years. His arteries furred up and ceased to function in the normal way during the first year. As the arteries narrowed his heart pumped faster. Due to the enhanced stimulant properties of deep fried tea, his heart was able to keep up and push the blood around his ever-narrowing veins at close to the speed of light. At these speeds any attempt to resolve the forces generated by the blood must take into account Einstein’s special theory of relativity, namely that the blood started to move in its own frame of reference. In other words Bernard’s blood started to move independently of the completely blocked arteries, it started to move outside his venous system, indeed outside of his body. A nebulous mist of high velocity blood shrouds him. It is moving so fast that it does not have enough time to react with oxygen in the air. This is why Runnymede is completely blue.
In an effort not to draw attention to himself Bernard wears a pair of 2 foot long black floppy ears and gave his restaurant a Beatles Yellow Submarine make over.
Saturday, 18 April 2009
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
88 Modern Culture/Television/Ratings
Just because many watch a television program does not make that program good. It simply implies the program is popular.
The same can be said for a religion. So with this in mind, Christianity with its 2 billion viewers is the X Factor of faiths. In second place with 1.2 billion fans is Islam, the National Lottery Jet Set. A close third is the Eastenders Omnibus Hinduism with 828 million watchers.
The least popular program is The Church of Satan with about 60,000 channel hoppers, kind of like a sinister Fred Dibnah’s Age of Steam over on UKTV Documentary.
Surprisingly the Jews are only 14 million strong, a very tiny number considering the influence they exert in the World. Judaism is like one of those programs that due to peer pressure everyone says they have watched and enjoyed but in reality watched for 5 minutes and turned over because it was tedious, Deal or No Deal with Noel Edmonds.
Having no faith at all is very popular. Encouragingly, 775 million people out of the 6 billion in the World have decided to switch off the telly and do something more constructive.
The same can be said for a religion. So with this in mind, Christianity with its 2 billion viewers is the X Factor of faiths. In second place with 1.2 billion fans is Islam, the National Lottery Jet Set. A close third is the Eastenders Omnibus Hinduism with 828 million watchers.
The least popular program is The Church of Satan with about 60,000 channel hoppers, kind of like a sinister Fred Dibnah’s Age of Steam over on UKTV Documentary.
Surprisingly the Jews are only 14 million strong, a very tiny number considering the influence they exert in the World. Judaism is like one of those programs that due to peer pressure everyone says they have watched and enjoyed but in reality watched for 5 minutes and turned over because it was tedious, Deal or No Deal with Noel Edmonds.
Having no faith at all is very popular. Encouragingly, 775 million people out of the 6 billion in the World have decided to switch off the telly and do something more constructive.
Monday, 13 April 2009
87 Entertainment/Cruelty/Pantomime
‘He’s behind you!’ shout the simple kids.
‘Why are you shouting? It is clear that the man is acting. He knows the whereabouts of the other man. He toys with you’ shout the clever kids.
‘Why do I fancy Peter Pan? He looks really cute in that tight fitting green outfit. Am I homosexual?’ Shouts the confused boy going through early puberty.
It was this last question that made Quentin Length pen the Butch Panto. Horrified by his strange feelings not only for Peter Pan but also for Buttons, and fearful of the retributions from his father Tarquin Length the founder of The Barnsley Supremacists if he ever suspected his son was a lifter, Quentin set about creating the most masculine Pantomime.
Named ‘Puss in Boots’, it is about a Royal Marine platoon forced to march several hundred miles in ill-fitting Wellingtons only to arrive at the Dragon’s den with chronic foot seepage. Unfortunately Quentin’s imagination wasn’t well developed and the play consisted of just 2 scenes; 1hr of a group soldiers dressed in lederhosen and rubber boots marching to the tune of ‘In the Navy’ followed by 30 minutes of taking off boots and fighting a glamorous feathered Dragon called Devine.
Also unfortunately for Quentin the play was confused as the work of Elton John, who after the success of Tommy, had written a musical similar to but not as good as ‘Puss in Boots’. The critics claimed it as an important iconic masterpiece. An allegorical work: the hour of monotonous marching symbolised the struggle to come to terms with homosexuality, the taking off of the boots represented the release felt when a homosexual was allowed his true nature, and the fighting the flamboyant Dragon was railing against the stereotypes of society.
Fortunately for Length the Panto flopped at the box office. The lack of animals, men in drag, women looking sexily boyish and double entendre were to blame.
The play is still performed at specialist gay theatres and is secretly his father Tarquin Length’s favourite work of art.
‘Why are you shouting? It is clear that the man is acting. He knows the whereabouts of the other man. He toys with you’ shout the clever kids.
‘Why do I fancy Peter Pan? He looks really cute in that tight fitting green outfit. Am I homosexual?’ Shouts the confused boy going through early puberty.
It was this last question that made Quentin Length pen the Butch Panto. Horrified by his strange feelings not only for Peter Pan but also for Buttons, and fearful of the retributions from his father Tarquin Length the founder of The Barnsley Supremacists if he ever suspected his son was a lifter, Quentin set about creating the most masculine Pantomime.
Named ‘Puss in Boots’, it is about a Royal Marine platoon forced to march several hundred miles in ill-fitting Wellingtons only to arrive at the Dragon’s den with chronic foot seepage. Unfortunately Quentin’s imagination wasn’t well developed and the play consisted of just 2 scenes; 1hr of a group soldiers dressed in lederhosen and rubber boots marching to the tune of ‘In the Navy’ followed by 30 minutes of taking off boots and fighting a glamorous feathered Dragon called Devine.
Also unfortunately for Quentin the play was confused as the work of Elton John, who after the success of Tommy, had written a musical similar to but not as good as ‘Puss in Boots’. The critics claimed it as an important iconic masterpiece. An allegorical work: the hour of monotonous marching symbolised the struggle to come to terms with homosexuality, the taking off of the boots represented the release felt when a homosexual was allowed his true nature, and the fighting the flamboyant Dragon was railing against the stereotypes of society.
Fortunately for Length the Panto flopped at the box office. The lack of animals, men in drag, women looking sexily boyish and double entendre were to blame.
The play is still performed at specialist gay theatres and is secretly his father Tarquin Length’s favourite work of art.
Saturday, 11 April 2009
86 Mysteries/Puzzles/Who is Leet Fabric?
Leetington Fotheringale Fabric (born October 27 1993 in Weston-super-Mare, Somerset, England) is an English comedian and musician best know for being excellent.
As a boy, Jesuit Nuns educated Fabric, at the Order of the Loose Cassock. He was expelled for the humorous defacing of school property: he had decided to make all the statues of Jesus Christ historically accurate and painted them black. His talent for comedy was only matched by his expertise in music and by the age of 13 had formed and fronted a total of 20 bands, all called ‘Keith’s got Asthma’, and to this day he remains the only person to have 19 simultaneous number one hits in Britain. All the ‘Keith’s got Asthma’ bands got one, apart from ‘Keith’s got Asthma’ which due to the corruption of the music business Madonna’s ‘Touch My Lady Giblets’ was awarded instead.
He has co-written a total of 42 sitcoms, amongst them the multi-award winning KantCant, it’s equally successful sequel CantKant, and not forgetting KantKant and CantCant. When asked about the inspiration for these comedies his reply was, ‘Always thinking of Kant mate’.
Recently Fabric has decided to give even more to society and founded the Leet Academy for Underprivileged Gays and Homos (LAUGH). The academy’s work is primarily to teach these unfortunates how to commission proper programs for television, radio and theatre, but also to keep them off the streets.
As a boy, Jesuit Nuns educated Fabric, at the Order of the Loose Cassock. He was expelled for the humorous defacing of school property: he had decided to make all the statues of Jesus Christ historically accurate and painted them black. His talent for comedy was only matched by his expertise in music and by the age of 13 had formed and fronted a total of 20 bands, all called ‘Keith’s got Asthma’, and to this day he remains the only person to have 19 simultaneous number one hits in Britain. All the ‘Keith’s got Asthma’ bands got one, apart from ‘Keith’s got Asthma’ which due to the corruption of the music business Madonna’s ‘Touch My Lady Giblets’ was awarded instead.
He has co-written a total of 42 sitcoms, amongst them the multi-award winning KantCant, it’s equally successful sequel CantKant, and not forgetting KantKant and CantCant. When asked about the inspiration for these comedies his reply was, ‘Always thinking of Kant mate’.
Recently Fabric has decided to give even more to society and founded the Leet Academy for Underprivileged Gays and Homos (LAUGH). The academy’s work is primarily to teach these unfortunates how to commission proper programs for television, radio and theatre, but also to keep them off the streets.
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
85 Mysteries/Puzzles/Why Does the Plug Always Get Caught in Furniture When You Try to Move the Lamp?
The Coven of Dampness, a group of Satanist from Shropshire, invented the BS1363 British 3 pin plug in 1963. Their chief tenet was ‘Liberation through Irritation’, and so not being ‘Hammer House of Horror’ hardcore type Satanists, they only wanted to cause a little mischief. The original design was to cause mild annoyance to people positioning electrical appliances around the home. However they forgot to take into consideration the dreaded house move. Consequently the BS1363 has been responsible for more failed marriages and relationships since the invention of the secretary. Several attempts by the coven to recall their product of destruction brought them in to negotiations with the Cabal of Carnage, a small group operating out of Basildon. CoC had created the lazy tongued celebrity chef Jamie Oliver, and had been grooming him successfully to become the next anti-Christ. After a promising debut Jamie soon started to go off the rails and began doing unexpectedly good deeds. The final straw was his school dinner initiative, potentially the most beneficial nutritional program to mankind. Despite this monumental stroke of goodness, Jamie remained really annoying, with his mockney accent and scooter twat act. CoC got wind that CoD were trying to recall the BS1363 and saw an opportunity. They decided they could take responsibility for each other’s creations.
Since taking responsibility for the 3 pin plug, CoC have issued a statement to the various comedy acts and ‘Universal Truths’ Internet sites: ‘The most painful household incident is not stepping on a 3 pin plug whilst wearing socks, it is having your genitalia burnt by hot metal. We are developing ways to make nude ironing more popular.’
CoD have bought Mr Oliver a lifetime subscription to ‘Cockney Lambretta Monthly’, and successfully persuaded him against having speech therapy.
Since taking responsibility for the 3 pin plug, CoC have issued a statement to the various comedy acts and ‘Universal Truths’ Internet sites: ‘The most painful household incident is not stepping on a 3 pin plug whilst wearing socks, it is having your genitalia burnt by hot metal. We are developing ways to make nude ironing more popular.’
CoD have bought Mr Oliver a lifetime subscription to ‘Cockney Lambretta Monthly’, and successfully persuaded him against having speech therapy.
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
84 Humans/Struggle/Wealth
A good proportion of attention is spent on the accumulation of wealth. Darwin hinted at the reason why, Dawkins explained it best and Stanovich, being Canadian, made it complicated. Genes created a machine in order to carry them around safely and propagate, so they achieve a kind of immortality. They gave this machine some basic but delightful urges in order to make sure the machine obeyed. Unfortunately the gene didn’t bank on the machine becoming sentient and rebelling against its plan. Money is a powerful aphrodisiac and most people want a bit of pump action. We are now at a stage in our evolution of extreme conflict.
Gene: Go on, have a baby.
Body: No way! They hurt. I won’t get any sleep, sex stops, my hair goes grey, I’ll be tired all the time and I will die prematurely.
Gene: Ah go on, please. You will become more socially accepted, credit rating will improve, you’ll be invited to a lot of dinner parties and you get to drive a Volvo.
Body: Oh OK that sounds nice and safe and I can still have fun, right?
Gene: Good, good, very good.
Later.
Body: Gene you absolute utter sh1t! Look what has happened now!
Gene: Muuhahahaha! I win again.
Thanks to divorce, people will evolve to a stage of agreement. The genetic program will be modified so people can spend time finding the ideal partner, the type of person who doesn’t mind years of hardship and strife raising offspring in order to ensure their lovers immortality.
Gene: Go on, have a baby.
Body: No way! They hurt. I won’t get any sleep, sex stops, my hair goes grey, I’ll be tired all the time and I will die prematurely.
Gene: Ah go on, please. You will become more socially accepted, credit rating will improve, you’ll be invited to a lot of dinner parties and you get to drive a Volvo.
Body: Oh OK that sounds nice and safe and I can still have fun, right?
Gene: Good, good, very good.
Later.
Body: Gene you absolute utter sh1t! Look what has happened now!
Gene: Muuhahahaha! I win again.
Thanks to divorce, people will evolve to a stage of agreement. The genetic program will be modified so people can spend time finding the ideal partner, the type of person who doesn’t mind years of hardship and strife raising offspring in order to ensure their lovers immortality.
Tuesday, 31 March 2009
83 Entertainment/Comedy/Urban Myths
The Internet is full of urban myths. One of the most successful is about a lawyer who bought an expensive and rare box of cigars, then insured them against fire. A month later, after smoking all the cigars, he filed a claim against the insurance company, stating that the cigars had been destroyed “in a series of small fires”. The insurance company refused to pay, so the lawyer sued and won $15,000. The lawyer cashed the cheque and was then arrested by the police on 24 counts of arson fined $24,000 and sentenced to 2 years in prison.
The story is clearly ridiculous. People want to believe this is true not because clever crimes deserve clever consequences, but because they believe lawyers are loathsome repellent creatures one notch up the evolutionary ladder from Magicians.
The French actuary Pense LeWeekend penned the most complex urban myth. In 1952 bored with his life of mundanely assessing risk, and inspired by the enormous number of French people that claimed they had been fighting in the Resistance during World War 2, LeWeekend set about creating the Joan of Arc lemma. Briefly stated: ‘The whole pub can not be fighting, as someone has to be shouting ‘leave it John he ain’t worth it!’’ From this he argued it was Frances duty to be the girl holding the handbags and the rest of the world to do the fighting. His complex equations and intricate propositions beguiled France’s penchant for the multifarious, and soon this myth became ingrained foreign policy. A wise man once said that the truth is simple, if it wasn’t everyone would understand it, and Pense had proved him right again. It is for the same reason the entire subject of Quantum Physics is completely wrong, anything with that amount of paradox has to be. All those Nobel Prizes should be returned and Professor Hawking told to stick to the British Telecom adverts.
The story is clearly ridiculous. People want to believe this is true not because clever crimes deserve clever consequences, but because they believe lawyers are loathsome repellent creatures one notch up the evolutionary ladder from Magicians.
The French actuary Pense LeWeekend penned the most complex urban myth. In 1952 bored with his life of mundanely assessing risk, and inspired by the enormous number of French people that claimed they had been fighting in the Resistance during World War 2, LeWeekend set about creating the Joan of Arc lemma. Briefly stated: ‘The whole pub can not be fighting, as someone has to be shouting ‘leave it John he ain’t worth it!’’ From this he argued it was Frances duty to be the girl holding the handbags and the rest of the world to do the fighting. His complex equations and intricate propositions beguiled France’s penchant for the multifarious, and soon this myth became ingrained foreign policy. A wise man once said that the truth is simple, if it wasn’t everyone would understand it, and Pense had proved him right again. It is for the same reason the entire subject of Quantum Physics is completely wrong, anything with that amount of paradox has to be. All those Nobel Prizes should be returned and Professor Hawking told to stick to the British Telecom adverts.
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