10 CLOTHES/ACCESSORIES/DIGITAL WATCHES

Once the dream of every schoolboy, the digital watch is now about as popular as the Gary Glitter back-catalogue. Many scholars have debated the reasons behind the virtually instant decline of the once-mighty electronic timing device but most questions remain unanswered; how do people now survive without knowing the time while 200 feet under water, what happens if it’s getting to dusk and you need a handy back-light to find your way home, what do cheap lazy uncles buy their nephews these days, and more importantly what happens if you need to do an emergency mathematical calculation while travelling on the bus? We may never know but the shock waves from the day the Casio Calculator DF342a+ first quarter sales figures first hit Reuters, or ‘Slightly Dim Wednesday’ as it was known, still reverberate around the City.
* It should be noted that ‘Slightly Dim Wednesday’ was in fact a Thursday, a discrepancy caused by the Casio CEO getting confused about how long he had to hold the middle button in to change the day, a simple mistake which had caused him to live in central European time for several months.

9 ANIMALS/HUMANS/NEWLY WED COUPLES WITH UGLY BABIES

Soaked in blinkered enthusiasm, these smiling annoyances think dressing their unfortunate little offspring in a yellow bonnet and tiny George-by-ASDA trainers diverts from the fact that the creature in their pram resembles a large bunion trying to get out of an arse. Should you find yourself trapped outside Mark and Spencer’s on a Saturday morning with your car parking ticket rapidly running out, a simple method exists for escape. While you’re still stuck between pram and wall, tell them that a baby’s skin definitely shouldn't be that colour and you’re not sure but you really think thought you saw something moving under the skin on its neck; they’ll be in A&E quicker than a Yorkshire house-wife on St Patrick’s Day. Also note that the part of the brain called the ‘slop-interest sector’ is temporarily switched on, forcing the individual to rapidly detail the colour and consistency of the young child’s faeces while you’re having a quick yogurt-based snack outside Woolworths.

8 FOOD/CAKES/THE BATTENBURG

If Angel Layer cake were the favourite treat of the little baby Jesus, then the Battenburg would be the preferred teatime delicacy of Satan.
It is a deceiver. It looks like Angel cake, with its ordered pink and yellow colours.
It is clever, very clever. More appealing. Its squares show more discipline than the oblongs of Angel Cake. The imaginative use of marzipan preys on the exotic fantasies of people; originating from Persia, playing the almond card and scented with rose water.
Totally beguiling.
What chance does the homely Angel Layer cake have? She waits patiently in the bread bin until the harlot’s work is complete.
One bite and the victim is gripped with revulsion. Self-loathing takes hold, and the person punishes himself by finishing the whole slice.
It is no coincidence that bitter old people pedal this abomination to young children.

7 PASTIMES/SPORT/HOPSCOTCH

Hopscotch is a cryptic real-life board game played by small girls in playgrounds. The game is played on a chalk crucifix of random numbers and consists of throwing a brick into a square then dancing around the brick until they get it wrong. Boys are forbidden from ever playing hop-scotch. The only recorded occasion that this rule was broken when Gary McFadden, a promising 12 year old schoolboy from Scotland, accidentally skipped from the number 6 to the number 4 without first passing the brick or uttering the dolly-dolly passage of rights, thus creating the mystic and feared 'hop-scotch death-drop' and caused half of Aberdeen to be sucked into a pit of black demons. At the time of writing the actual purpose of hop-scotch is unknown.

6 ANIMALS/BIRDS/PIGEONS

The Devils Dove. The dove that lost the faith. No one likes pigeons. Not even pigeons like pigeons. That soft cooing sound they make is in fact a frenzied, speeded up version of the phrase, ‘I hate myself, I’m worthless, I’m having a bad feather day, and I’m fed up of pecking this dog urine soaked pavement’. There is no known use for a pigeon. Pigeon Pie is a made up substance designed to fool the French. It worked. Carrier Pigeons were not used during wars. Again a misinformation ruse designed to fool the Germans. This didn’t work quite so well as they retaliated with the Royal Family. The pigeon diet is anything except another pigeon, and still the French do not get it. The Dove is a pigeon with religion. This makes it a candidate for utter contempt. Good job they look nice other wise they would be extinct.

5 PASTIMES/SPORT/RUGBY

Acting as an outlet for homosexually repressed middle management to crawl between each others thighs in the name of masculinity, rugby was created as an offshoot of football by a skill-lacking public school individual who decided to pick up the ball and run instead of kicking it. Tell your children to try this next PE lesson and see where it gets them. Rugby is a very good way for over-weight and/or over-muscular forty year olds to kick the crap out of each other for an hour on a cow field every Sunday morning. Honestly, there is nothing impressive about having a bloated elephantiasis ear caused by the consistent rubbing on large men’s thighs. Rugby is only allowed to be played by the upper middle classes and includes a traditional post-match shower room bottom-touching contest and for away games, players are encouraged to squash their bloated penises against the mini-bus window in the direction of schoolgirls buses for full motorway effect. Played with a ball that doesn't even roll properly and most famous rugby players are somehow linked to the royal family
Girls play a non-contact variant called touch-rugby, which totally misses the point and is useless

4 JOBS/MESSENGERS/CYCLE COURIERS

In the Thatcher years a load of lunatics were let out onto the streets of Britain in the name of statistics. After a brief spell of Tenants Super addiction the majority settled down and got jobs as pedal bike couriers. Disguised by heavy use of Lycra and fashionable eye wear they still reveal themselves by the familiar utterances of the insane.
Common phrases include:
‘Get out the fckin way Wankaah!’
‘Keyunt! You fckin blind or summin?’
‘Keyunting Cab Driver. Look what you’ve done to my bike.’
All these expressions are impossible to decipher due to the extreme Doppler shift. Particularly the last one as the final word is muffled by the impact of the rider and his subsequent death. All cycle couriers live in cardboard boxes under railway bridges and sleep with their bikes. Their diet is rich in Lucozade sport and tuna melt. Non are wealthy as they die before they can cash their pay cheques. Courier companies however are.
An area of high courier concentration is easily identified by the calling card left on the backs of unsuspecting pedestrians. In the same way that pigeons decorate statues with fecal matter, couriers decorate pedestrians with phlegm.