82 Humanity/Vanity/Plastic Surgery

Whether it is to repair the injuries of an unfortunate accident or simply to make your aging wives backside look a little less like Christopher Walken’s chin, plastic surgery is as much a part of life today as watersports or golf. You might be surprised however to learn of the rather diverse beginnings of this trade.
Edgar and Boris Sag, 18th century experts in skin graft technology and bone growth were known throughout the whole of Bavaria for their rather unprofessional but harmless practical jokes; horse burying, house painting and even wife bending were not uncommon stories to come out of the tranquil surroundings of the Alps around the festive period.
In October 1756 however, Edgar, the elder of the two brothers, took the practical jesting one step further when one night, whilst Boris slept, he surgically attached fifteen cadavers penises to his brothers back thus creating what he called ‘the worlds first cockosaurus’.
Hardly best pleased with the new addition to his upper torso, Boris spent the next three months camped at the local Jewish children’s hospital sewing together a twenty-five metre long streamer of discarded foreskin before drugging his brother one snowy January night and creating his own ‘Woolly Todgephant’. Not to be outdone and getting rather tired of dipping other peoples penis shavings into his soup, Edgar went back to work, bolting emu feathers to his brothers arms, plucking out all his hair and boring a thin hole in the top of his head creating what he labelled the worlds first ‘flying shaved vaginador’.
Utterly fed up of the brothers antics, the major of the town Klaus Bonk banished the two surgeons into the mountains, defying them ever to return.
What happened to the brothers over the next few years is a bit of a mystery but one thing is that known is that their combined remains were uncovered in 1942 by the Nazis but were dismissed as one of Reverend Hesston Cambridge’s crazy dinosaur inventions, and burnt.
Their story still continues to this day in folklore however, with the elders of the district telling their grandchildren that if they behave badly and they listen very carefully, they can still hear the noise of the vaginador swooping over the mountains looking for new material for its streamers.
As a result, children rarely misbehave in Munich these days.

81 Entertainment / Practical Jokes / Stink Bombs

Contrary to their promise, stink bombs do not resemble the scent of general flatulence, but instead reek of a rather metallic combination of bleach and dead cats. Stink Bombs were first invented as an aphrodisiac for the self-tormenting people of South Shitty in Herefordshire, the idea being that if you could still find your loved one attractive when they smelt of dead animals, it was a match made in heaven. The plan backfired over several generations though as only the offspring of the sickest self-tormentors were born, and in a rather speedy evolutionary process started to see their noses seal up at birth. The few last remaining south shitters all now secretly live in abject squalor in an area sealed off from the rest of the country, others have moved to Stoke on Trent.
The largest stink bomb ever was recorded in the now-nonexistent town of Palar, fifty miles south of Brighton, where local magician Band-aid Nobbs, sick of his obvious genius being ignored, sat next to the air-conditioning outflow pipe of an old peoples home for thirteen years storing the collective stench in a compressed air-tank in the back of his magimobile. Upon his death he insisted that his assistant, the lovely Angela Donk, transfer the entire tank into his lower colon before sealing all available orifices up with sticky tape. Although underestimating the power which lay in his slowly self-digesting corpse, he correctly calculated the time it would take for the sticky tape to give and, as the vicar laid the first crumbs of earth upon Nobbs' coffin, the once-magician exploded at such force that half of east Sussex was obliterated and washed away into the sea. Ships still avoid the deadly Nobbs Point due to tales of large brown nappy-shaped sea-monsters viciously feeding on hapless fisherman, although the area has recently overtaken Blackpool as the most popular holiday destination of the sealed-face aqua-people of west Staffordshire.

80 Entertainment / Games / Tramps

The tramps we see wander our streets today are the unfortunate victims of an incredibly ambitious tournament dating back to the 1950s. The game was created by the Lampo brothers, Ned and Jed, notorious drinkers and wealthy inventors of the John Merrick comedy dildo. The game started when they realised that, no matter how much alcohol they could ingest, it simply wasn't up to the standards they required, so spent five years developing the remote controllable tramp-chip, the superAlcho-MD4. The chip was simply inserted under the skin of an unsuspecting commuter and they became fully under the control of the brothers from their nerve centre in their house in Chiswick. The first example of this was local chartered accountant Donald Peep who, on his way back from work to his wife and children, was 'tramped' by the brothers at Charing Cross tube station and before he knew it found himself drinking super unleaded straight from the pump at South Mimms service station on the M25. Each brother then took control of 100 tramps and battled for alcoholic supremacy of London. At the last count, Jed was slightly ahead after Ned had made a disastrous gamble on tramping a group of Fields of the Nephelin fans outside the Good Mixer public house in Camden, causing two of the younger members to instantly explode, spraying the locals with cider and blackcurrant. Over the next two weeks of goth-fuelled alcoholic chaos, four of the group were arrested for trying to drink an entire number 25 bus in the middle of Tottenham Court Road, one received life imprisonment for viciously eating the spleens of three members of an all-girl cyber-metal band during a gig at the Dublin Castle, two became church ministers and one narrowly missed out on the job of chief programming commissioner at channel 4. The battle continues.

79 Humanity/Achievements/The Moon Landing

Many conspiracy theorists believe the initial moon landing to be a pre-fabrication to deal America’s domination as a world force at a time of national civil unrest in the country. This is indeed the case. Due to an error in judgement by Buzz Aldrin two seconds prior to the Apollo's ascent into the first level of stratosphere, the craft caught the side of small Russian satellite and plunged back towards earth, crash landing in the beer garden of The Blacklayers Tache travellers rest in High Barnet. Correctly realising they were in big trouble back in Houston, the three astronauts decided to get drunk, play some Beatles numbers on the local up right piano and film Buzz drunkenly jumping around in his spacesuit in the car park. They were very surprised when they returned to base to find out that everyone was celebrating their monumental success, so decided to keep quiet.
Strangely, the first actual moon landing was made in September 1974 by Englishman Piers Skag, who managed to do a full descent, landing and moonwalk in his homemade craft, the Romford Feltch VI. Taking some of the most incredible pictures to ever be seen by man, Skag was hugely disappointed on collecting his pictures from his local Snappy Snaps to find 360 photos of fat drunken middle aged women pouring over a rather hideous looking stripper in an Irish working mans club.
Skags pain however, was nothing compared with that of Mrs Maureen Dockerty of the Shankley Road, Belfast as she tried unsuccessfully to explain to her newly wed husband why, on her hen party the previous week, she had ended up jumping around in a big white suit whilst waving an English flag in what looked like a north London car park.

78 Control/Censorship/Word Filters

In these days of technological advances one of the most annoying things is censorship. Particularly word filters. People now have to deliberately misspell words in order to get a feeling across. This has inadvertently thrown up some excellent words. Cvnt for example gives the original word an air of antiquity sort of a Roman feel, old vagina, and an altogether more potent insult. B0ll0x has added concupiscence, the word actually looks like a big pair of testes hanging between an erect penis. Tw4t has added gravitas, the extra 4 acts like a suggestion. The expression ‘W4nker, Ar5e, 6astard’ has a scaling quality that implies increasing annoyance. \!/ actually looks like what it is meant to imply. And people have become more creative in the use of euphemisms and conjured such delights as ‘ What a chutney ferret’, ‘She had a face like a decorators wireless’ and ‘I crashed my yoghurt cart into her spam purse’ in order to scale that firewall.
It is good to see that human creativity has once again thwarted the attempts of mind control and produced an exquisite subverted language that has more depth, texture and expression.

77 World Peace/Moral and Spiritual Harmony/Tourettes

Humans have always been subject to one of 3 codes: that of nature, society and religion. These codes have never been in harmony and therefore to quote Diderot, ‘there has never been a real man, a real citizen, a real believer.’
If everyone suffered from Tourettes syndrome this would be different.
We would all be real people, as everyone would be completely natural and speak what was exactly on the mind.
Everyone would be a real citizen, because the world population would be in no doubt of where they stood vis-a-vis their fellow denizens.
And there would be believers of sound, reasonable ideas. When a religious spokesman comes to your door and asks you to believe in a book that instructs you to embrace a God that is prone to genocidal rages and that temporally suspends the laws of nature in order to turn water into wine, fish into more fish, and allows someone to walk on water instead of getting a boat like normal people, the usual polite response is to say
‘Sounds interesting, I’ll take a look’ while thinking ‘Why can’t he create peace and abundance for all, instead of all this David Copperfield type frippery’. If you were a Touretto you’d shout ‘Fcuk off, Cvnt, b0ll0x!’ He in turn would reflect and agree that it didn’t make an awful lot of sense and thereby end holy wars and the oppression of millions.
There would be no pointless assignations by snipers as their positions would be easily revealed by the yelps, and the accuracy of the shot would be compromised by the twitches. No burglaries, muggings, confidence tricks in fact most crimes would be hampered. Eventually a state of peace and harmony will be achieved as everyone realises each other’s positions and beliefs, and the outbursts and profanity will cease, as there will be nothing to react against. Bliss.

76 HUMANS/SEX/MONOGAMY

In the zoological sense most species are not monogamous. Ethologists claim that only 1 to 2 percent of all species are, and this is probably an over estimation. It was once believed that 90 per cent of all avian species were monogamous, but the harsh reality is that the female chooses a male to help build a nest and feed the chicks. While he is off collecting twigs, she is most likely off collecting sperm from other males. This is the full meaning of the expression ‘John, shut it! You are acting like a bird.’
None of the simian species are faithful. Orang-utans are fat and lazy so appear to be, but the truth is that they cannot be bothered to lift a finger. The Chimp, a close relative, practices a form of group marriage, the original Mormon. Our very closest relative, the bonobos, indulge in perpetual and indiscriminate orgy. So next time you get caught having a drunken snog at the Christmas party, point out to your other half that Great Uncle Bonobo would have gone through the entire HR department and persuaded Accounts to keep score.
Out of the 850 recognised human societies, 83 percent practice polygyny. Clearly, monogamy is not natural. But is it desirable? Some religions believe that only proper sexual relationship involves pairing inexperienced virgins, who then control and own each others sexual expression and needs until death do they part. This idea has caused such suffering, frustration, and broken hearts that it has to be considered the work of an evil genius. The best sex is the sex you have with the one you love. For most this is a post-polygamous monogamy, for some this is masturbation.