Unknown to Peter Fisher and Susan Shostakovich (see 65 Skills/Linguistic/Bartering), they had met before in 1975. At a student party they had a fornicacious fumble. The result of that union was Susan’s pride and joy Dylan. Due to his parent’s superior linguistic genes, Dylan grew up to be a genius marketer.
In 2004 at the age of 28, Dylan persuaded Sky TV to commission the impossible, a television program detailing the history of the Universe in real time. For the first several billion years the viewer will see just a blank screen and hear no sound. He sold it on the premise that in today’s frenetic world this will be soothing and extremely cheap to make. In case for some reason the subscriber misses the program he can also catch it over on ‘The History Of The Universe In Real Time +1Hour’ channel.
In a stroke of brilliance he also sold them the rights to ‘The History Of The Universe In Real Time’ series one through six. All series have a similar theme but as they are in fact detailing parallel Universes the screen displays a very slightly different black – something for the intelligent viewer to pick up on and feel rewarded by. Series 1 through 5 all approach the Big Bang in the same way, after a couple of billion years the screen will glow incandescent and a huge sonic blast will render the viewers profoundly deaf. Initially the advertisers wouldn’t go for this interpretation, but Dyl got Bose on board to give out free noise cancelling headphones with every subscription – every good TV program needs a gimmick.
Realising that after 12 billion years of the same treatment of the Big Bang the program might become a little predictable, Dylan persuaded Keiffer Sutherland to film a special middle for series 6. Instead of the usual gravitational singularity and expansion, a Russian terrorist with a nuclear bomb and Jack Bauer simultaneously spring into existence. Jack then has 24hrs to get the Universe to behave properly.
Thursday, 30 April 2009
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
93 Finance/Money/Hierarchy of Charities
Charities are rich. They have to be to pay all those amazingly persuasive street performers who cajole the public into ‘sparing a minute’ to look at a clipboard. Why are these workers so happy? Tackling such heavy issues as Amnesty, World Poverty or Aids and at the same time saying ‘Nice jumper mate, can I have a lick of your ice cream?’ The fickle fakers. Also bored upper class housewives run charities and just want to be paid expenses for their trouble. A champagne lunch at Bibendum doesn't come cheap.
So which is the wealthiest charity? Some say the Catholic Church, but that is a business not a charity. Some say it is an organisation that engenders the most sympathy: children, furry animals (only the cute ones though) or a horrific illness. Surprisingly it is none of these. A perverse human selection bias operates, namely the herd goes with the underdog. When presented with a list of worthwhile charities the average person will donate to the least well known, reasoning that the others are well supported and it is nice to give money to something worthwhile and unusual.
Unknown to Bill Gates (see 30 Animals/Humans/Bill Gates), Benedict Farse has a secret identity. He is also the charity Edna Stokes’ Scorpion Sanctuary. Through cunning marketing ploys Mr Farse has managed to make himself the wealthiest charity in the world. He is also the brain behind the fickle fakers, realising that people would intuitively mistrust these performers and be further persuaded to donate to the underdog. No one has ever heard of the Edna Stokes Scorpion Sanctuary but all have subconsciously donated to it. Benedict realised that he could not rely on Enya to bring in the dough and the Asian economy is too volatile and risky to win the bet. At the time of writing Mr Gates is 199.99% of Mr Farce’s income, and is looking forward to retirement. However, Benedict is pissing himself with anticipation of the moment when he can reveal the identity of Edna Stokes, and plunge Bill Gates into second place as the World’s richest man.
So which is the wealthiest charity? Some say the Catholic Church, but that is a business not a charity. Some say it is an organisation that engenders the most sympathy: children, furry animals (only the cute ones though) or a horrific illness. Surprisingly it is none of these. A perverse human selection bias operates, namely the herd goes with the underdog. When presented with a list of worthwhile charities the average person will donate to the least well known, reasoning that the others are well supported and it is nice to give money to something worthwhile and unusual.
Unknown to Bill Gates (see 30 Animals/Humans/Bill Gates), Benedict Farse has a secret identity. He is also the charity Edna Stokes’ Scorpion Sanctuary. Through cunning marketing ploys Mr Farse has managed to make himself the wealthiest charity in the world. He is also the brain behind the fickle fakers, realising that people would intuitively mistrust these performers and be further persuaded to donate to the underdog. No one has ever heard of the Edna Stokes Scorpion Sanctuary but all have subconsciously donated to it. Benedict realised that he could not rely on Enya to bring in the dough and the Asian economy is too volatile and risky to win the bet. At the time of writing Mr Gates is 199.99% of Mr Farce’s income, and is looking forward to retirement. However, Benedict is pissing himself with anticipation of the moment when he can reveal the identity of Edna Stokes, and plunge Bill Gates into second place as the World’s richest man.
Saturday, 25 April 2009
92 Humans/Strife/Jihad
Jihad is one of those nebulous terms like ‘fancy dress party’; it is difficult to gauge how much effort to put in. Should the Jihad be by the heart, tongue, pen, hand or sword? Should I go dressed smartly, charismatic, cleverly, normally or with the full on feathered chicken suit? The chicken suit is the lesser jihad as after the initial shock value it becomes tiresome watching a clumsy yellow puff of nonsense knock drinks over and sweat a lot.
One of the most disastrous and bloody jihads was the Girl Guide Gihad of 1956. 14-year-old genius Girl Guide Greta Gnathostomata decided to introduce a new category into the merit badge system. At the age of 8 while still in the Brownies, Greta achieved the highest award in Guiding, the Baden-Powell Challenge Award (BPCA). She then spent the next 6 years training an elite corps of high achievers. Greta and her garrison wanted more, they wanted the ultimate challenge, and with a subtle bit of interpretation of point 8 in zone 5 of the BPCA they created the Girl Guide Gihad badge. They desired to convert the World to Guiding.
All the girls had advanced badges in Camp Craft, Agility, Needle Craft and Fund Raising and most had Active Response, First Aid and Ballistics, and so were ideally equipped to wage war. The element of surprise was on their side. No one would suspect a Girl Guide. And no one suspected the first attack to be so vicious and cunning. Imagine holding a party where every guest turns up as a giant feathered chicken. Carnage.
They very nearly achieved their goal. Fortunately Marilyn Monroe decided to marry the playwright Arthur Miller on June 29th of that year, and that glamorous spectacle turned the thoughts of the Gihad from world domination to boys. If it wasn’t for Mr and Mrs Miller we would all be wearing woggles, attending Jamborees and know the words to "Ging-gang-goolie".
One of the most disastrous and bloody jihads was the Girl Guide Gihad of 1956. 14-year-old genius Girl Guide Greta Gnathostomata decided to introduce a new category into the merit badge system. At the age of 8 while still in the Brownies, Greta achieved the highest award in Guiding, the Baden-Powell Challenge Award (BPCA). She then spent the next 6 years training an elite corps of high achievers. Greta and her garrison wanted more, they wanted the ultimate challenge, and with a subtle bit of interpretation of point 8 in zone 5 of the BPCA they created the Girl Guide Gihad badge. They desired to convert the World to Guiding.
All the girls had advanced badges in Camp Craft, Agility, Needle Craft and Fund Raising and most had Active Response, First Aid and Ballistics, and so were ideally equipped to wage war. The element of surprise was on their side. No one would suspect a Girl Guide. And no one suspected the first attack to be so vicious and cunning. Imagine holding a party where every guest turns up as a giant feathered chicken. Carnage.
They very nearly achieved their goal. Fortunately Marilyn Monroe decided to marry the playwright Arthur Miller on June 29th of that year, and that glamorous spectacle turned the thoughts of the Gihad from world domination to boys. If it wasn’t for Mr and Mrs Miller we would all be wearing woggles, attending Jamborees and know the words to "Ging-gang-goolie".
Wednesday, 22 April 2009
91 Food/Restaurants/Michelin Stars
In recent years the celebrity of chef has become a common media phenomenon, Gordon Ramsey and his 3-star French Fusion, Heston Blumenthal and the Molecular Menu and Jamie Oliver with his Mockney Mess. All these bakers owe a huge debt of gratitude to the pioneering techniques of Bing Sinatra the worlds first and last Quantum Qook.
Bing was the son of failed pub singer Albert Oppenheimer, who wanted to give his son the best possible chance in show business. As often happens the child totally destroyed the parent’s plans and Bing became a restaurant owning physicist.
In 1984 he opened Le Manoir aux Cat Schrodinger. This establishment put the fusion into cookery. The signature dish was the Chinese influenced Special Relativity fried rice. It is well known that 30 minutes after eating Chinese food the diner will start to feel hungry again. With special relativity fried rice the diner travels back in time to the moment when he took the first mouthful, and instantaneously feels hungry again.
This was an extremely dangerous meal as it took exquisite self-control not to eat oneself to death.
Conversely, Toad in the Black Hole was popular with dieters. As nothing can escape a black hole not even light, it was extremely difficult to get the sausage and batter into the mouth.
Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Custard was a best selling novelty dessert. A normal looking apple pie would arrive covered in custard. As soon as a spoonful of custard was eaten the pie would disappear. If a piece of pie were taken the custard would vanish. You could eat one or the other but not at the same time. Ultimately it was doomed to failure as most people love a bit of custard with apple pie.
The restaurant vanished into a singularity in 1986 when the pot of String Theory Spaghetti boiled over and caused the magnetic field containing the Plasma Porridge to fail. Curiously Frank Sinatra’s ‘Let’s Take An Old Fashioned Random Walk’ was playing on the kitchen radio at the time. Perhaps parents know best after all.
Bing was the son of failed pub singer Albert Oppenheimer, who wanted to give his son the best possible chance in show business. As often happens the child totally destroyed the parent’s plans and Bing became a restaurant owning physicist.
In 1984 he opened Le Manoir aux Cat Schrodinger. This establishment put the fusion into cookery. The signature dish was the Chinese influenced Special Relativity fried rice. It is well known that 30 minutes after eating Chinese food the diner will start to feel hungry again. With special relativity fried rice the diner travels back in time to the moment when he took the first mouthful, and instantaneously feels hungry again.
This was an extremely dangerous meal as it took exquisite self-control not to eat oneself to death.
Conversely, Toad in the Black Hole was popular with dieters. As nothing can escape a black hole not even light, it was extremely difficult to get the sausage and batter into the mouth.
Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Custard was a best selling novelty dessert. A normal looking apple pie would arrive covered in custard. As soon as a spoonful of custard was eaten the pie would disappear. If a piece of pie were taken the custard would vanish. You could eat one or the other but not at the same time. Ultimately it was doomed to failure as most people love a bit of custard with apple pie.
The restaurant vanished into a singularity in 1986 when the pot of String Theory Spaghetti boiled over and caused the magnetic field containing the Plasma Porridge to fail. Curiously Frank Sinatra’s ‘Let’s Take An Old Fashioned Random Walk’ was playing on the kitchen radio at the time. Perhaps parents know best after all.
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
90 Humanity/Skills/Alien Abductions
Aliens are very difficult to abduct, but it can be done. They are more cunning and clever than the average human, so it takes special skills to hunt and steal them. 83-year-old Ethel Fluent is the most successful and only Alien Abductor (AA). Tired of continually being the subject of abductions during the mid 1950’s, Ethel decided to turn the tables and get even with her extraterrestrial tormentors. Her collection quickly grew and she now has well over 2 thousand specimens. She keeps them in an abandoned zoo in the town of Twatt, Orkney.
Ethel reasoned that as Aliens are an advanced race and have never been exposed to religious doctrine, they would have a very low tolerance to its effects. She then postulated that if she Christened them all Roger in an elaborate Catholic ceremony a type of Stockholm syndrome would be triggered in the alien psyche, and they would instantly become loyal and loving to her. She was right.
Ethel loves the attention and adulation, but doesn’t realise that due to the advanced alien technology and their fanatical devotion to her, the Army of Rogers she has in her possession is the most powerful fighting force in the universe.
Recently the Council of Twatt has angered Ethel with the introduction of an overly complicated household waste recycling scheme. The Roger Army sense her frustration and are mobilising. Galactic battlefield mathematicians have calculated with a 98.9% probability that a hosepipe ban in Orkney this summer would decimate Ethel’s patio plants and thus precipitate a bloodless coup of the Universe.
Ethel Fluent would be Queen of Everything.
Ethel reasoned that as Aliens are an advanced race and have never been exposed to religious doctrine, they would have a very low tolerance to its effects. She then postulated that if she Christened them all Roger in an elaborate Catholic ceremony a type of Stockholm syndrome would be triggered in the alien psyche, and they would instantly become loyal and loving to her. She was right.
Ethel loves the attention and adulation, but doesn’t realise that due to the advanced alien technology and their fanatical devotion to her, the Army of Rogers she has in her possession is the most powerful fighting force in the universe.
Recently the Council of Twatt has angered Ethel with the introduction of an overly complicated household waste recycling scheme. The Roger Army sense her frustration and are mobilising. Galactic battlefield mathematicians have calculated with a 98.9% probability that a hosepipe ban in Orkney this summer would decimate Ethel’s patio plants and thus precipitate a bloodless coup of the Universe.
Ethel Fluent would be Queen of Everything.
Saturday, 18 April 2009
89 Food/Cuisine/The Great British Café
A fresh cup of deep fried tea is what makes Britain great. The only place you can get deep fried tea is Bernie’s Lardorium, Shoreditch, London, where today’s special is last year’s catch of the day.
Bernard Runnymede has such a disregard for basic hygiene that Microbiologist Monthly voted the Lardorium the most toxic place on earth. It is so pestilential that not even germs can survive, and paradoxically is therefore the safest place to dine.
Bernie has eaten from his own menu for the last 20 years. His arteries furred up and ceased to function in the normal way during the first year. As the arteries narrowed his heart pumped faster. Due to the enhanced stimulant properties of deep fried tea, his heart was able to keep up and push the blood around his ever-narrowing veins at close to the speed of light. At these speeds any attempt to resolve the forces generated by the blood must take into account Einstein’s special theory of relativity, namely that the blood started to move in its own frame of reference. In other words Bernard’s blood started to move independently of the completely blocked arteries, it started to move outside his venous system, indeed outside of his body. A nebulous mist of high velocity blood shrouds him. It is moving so fast that it does not have enough time to react with oxygen in the air. This is why Runnymede is completely blue.
In an effort not to draw attention to himself Bernard wears a pair of 2 foot long black floppy ears and gave his restaurant a Beatles Yellow Submarine make over.
Bernard Runnymede has such a disregard for basic hygiene that Microbiologist Monthly voted the Lardorium the most toxic place on earth. It is so pestilential that not even germs can survive, and paradoxically is therefore the safest place to dine.
Bernie has eaten from his own menu for the last 20 years. His arteries furred up and ceased to function in the normal way during the first year. As the arteries narrowed his heart pumped faster. Due to the enhanced stimulant properties of deep fried tea, his heart was able to keep up and push the blood around his ever-narrowing veins at close to the speed of light. At these speeds any attempt to resolve the forces generated by the blood must take into account Einstein’s special theory of relativity, namely that the blood started to move in its own frame of reference. In other words Bernard’s blood started to move independently of the completely blocked arteries, it started to move outside his venous system, indeed outside of his body. A nebulous mist of high velocity blood shrouds him. It is moving so fast that it does not have enough time to react with oxygen in the air. This is why Runnymede is completely blue.
In an effort not to draw attention to himself Bernard wears a pair of 2 foot long black floppy ears and gave his restaurant a Beatles Yellow Submarine make over.
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
88 Modern Culture/Television/Ratings
Just because many watch a television program does not make that program good. It simply implies the program is popular.
The same can be said for a religion. So with this in mind, Christianity with its 2 billion viewers is the X Factor of faiths. In second place with 1.2 billion fans is Islam, the National Lottery Jet Set. A close third is the Eastenders Omnibus Hinduism with 828 million watchers.
The least popular program is The Church of Satan with about 60,000 channel hoppers, kind of like a sinister Fred Dibnah’s Age of Steam over on UKTV Documentary.
Surprisingly the Jews are only 14 million strong, a very tiny number considering the influence they exert in the World. Judaism is like one of those programs that due to peer pressure everyone says they have watched and enjoyed but in reality watched for 5 minutes and turned over because it was tedious, Deal or No Deal with Noel Edmonds.
Having no faith at all is very popular. Encouragingly, 775 million people out of the 6 billion in the World have decided to switch off the telly and do something more constructive.
The same can be said for a religion. So with this in mind, Christianity with its 2 billion viewers is the X Factor of faiths. In second place with 1.2 billion fans is Islam, the National Lottery Jet Set. A close third is the Eastenders Omnibus Hinduism with 828 million watchers.
The least popular program is The Church of Satan with about 60,000 channel hoppers, kind of like a sinister Fred Dibnah’s Age of Steam over on UKTV Documentary.
Surprisingly the Jews are only 14 million strong, a very tiny number considering the influence they exert in the World. Judaism is like one of those programs that due to peer pressure everyone says they have watched and enjoyed but in reality watched for 5 minutes and turned over because it was tedious, Deal or No Deal with Noel Edmonds.
Having no faith at all is very popular. Encouragingly, 775 million people out of the 6 billion in the World have decided to switch off the telly and do something more constructive.
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