Friday, 24 September 2010
Tuesday, 17 August 2010
129 Wastage / Food / Masterchef
The Oxford dictionary describes time-wasting as ‘sitting down for an hour to watch two rather arrogant grumpy people you don’t know taste some food made by a few other frantic people you don’t know and say it’s a bit crap, or that it’s quite good. You don’t get to taste it yourself either.’ As dear gran used to say ‘what a steaming pile of horse felch.’ But as with most other pointless activities such as ballroom dancing and Jade Goody it has become a staple televisual extravaganza. Only Kerry Katona can honestly say she is truly of less use. Leading dinner lady Mavis O’Reilly describes the juxtaposition between the culture of victuals being seen as standard provisional necessity with the commonplace urbanity misconception of what she labels the ‘fiscal luminary fare’ in her 2007 book ‘You’re Just a Fucking Cook, Cunt’.
Amazingly television producers pulled off an even more amazing feat with Junior Masterchef. A preference to watching Graham Nortons attempts to dock some recently crowned X Factor numpty on the other side it may well be but how any human with the ability to vomit can sit through rubber panted 13 year old Augusta from Oxfordshire picking the shot from a freshly slaughtered grouse while talking about mummys’ walk-in butler is staggering (although strangely sexually alluring). However, it does seem to thrive in the ratings game. This is unlike senior citizen Masterchef, which was taken off air two episodes into the series after Coventry based Maggie Stern simply cooked a house brick to warm up little Alfies bed before George Smith from Huddersfield, initially refusing to be filmed by a Fuzzy Top, spent the allocated thirty minutes boiling his own wellington boot in a bucket.
But more interestingly is how much can be deciphered about the contestant from their choice of dish. Whereas Martin McGuiness’ Cherry Bomb Pie hardly came as a surprise, eyebrows were certainly raised by Beryl Reeds Horny Vagina Crumpets and John ‘Johns Not Mad’ Davidsons’ Cunt Shit Fuck Nigger Nigger Whore Fuck Bitch Greek Cunt Salad, but at least uncertainties were finally put to rest about Nick Griffin when he produced his now notorious Masterchef final winning Ku Klux Flan.
Amazingly television producers pulled off an even more amazing feat with Junior Masterchef. A preference to watching Graham Nortons attempts to dock some recently crowned X Factor numpty on the other side it may well be but how any human with the ability to vomit can sit through rubber panted 13 year old Augusta from Oxfordshire picking the shot from a freshly slaughtered grouse while talking about mummys’ walk-in butler is staggering (although strangely sexually alluring). However, it does seem to thrive in the ratings game. This is unlike senior citizen Masterchef, which was taken off air two episodes into the series after Coventry based Maggie Stern simply cooked a house brick to warm up little Alfies bed before George Smith from Huddersfield, initially refusing to be filmed by a Fuzzy Top, spent the allocated thirty minutes boiling his own wellington boot in a bucket.
But more interestingly is how much can be deciphered about the contestant from their choice of dish. Whereas Martin McGuiness’ Cherry Bomb Pie hardly came as a surprise, eyebrows were certainly raised by Beryl Reeds Horny Vagina Crumpets and John ‘Johns Not Mad’ Davidsons’ Cunt Shit Fuck Nigger Nigger Whore Fuck Bitch Greek Cunt Salad, but at least uncertainties were finally put to rest about Nick Griffin when he produced his now notorious Masterchef final winning Ku Klux Flan.
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
128 Seaside Entertainment/Violence/Punch and Judy
Unsurprisingly created by an Italian, the Punch and Judy puppet show has been entertaining generations of would-be psychotics and wife beaters for centuries. Seen by most of Yorkshire as a government advice programme, the show is performed by a single puppeteer known as The Professor. What is less known is that the professor must perform this show while simultaneously torturing small mammals, reading the Codex Gigas backwards and furiously masturbating every time the crocodile appears. As 21 year old serial rapist Bernard Manson of Ripley, Derbyshire explained in his memoirs ‘That’s the way to do it (Bitch)’ in 2004 ‘I wouldn’t be nuffink if it weren’t for punch. He made me know that even someone like me can have success. I could be working in HMV now with keys angin’ round me arse like a queer. Thanks punch. Fuckin straight.’. A less controversial version of Punch and Judy was created by Guardian columnist and post modern feminist Alison Bore in 2006 called ‘Gerard and Angela’ and plotted the main characters Kentish Town based garden dinner party. The storyline showed the unmarried couple talking about trips to South America and modern folk music with a succession of sub-characters such as Brian and Marcio a gay couple from number 4, a dried up middle aged lady from across the road and a token black called Percy who is dead clever. Gerard and Angela ran for a number of weeks before being closed down after parents complained that their children had suddenly started showing interest in advertising, making constant music comparisons to Fleet Foxes and Joanna Newsom and impatiently tapping their laminated school bus pass on the glass coffee table around 8pm each evening after dinner.
127 People/Habits/Holocaust Deniers
There are people who will deny anything. Whether it be telling an angry red-faced Catalonian in Covent Garden ‘No, I’m afraid I don’t know where Leicester Square is’ or facing a wigged gentleman with the line ‘But obviously she looks younger in her uniform’ we’re all at it. Some take it further than others. In 1984 8 year old Wolverhampton schoolboy Martin Fregold started the Holocaust Denier movement by shouting ‘No he didn’t no he didn’t no he didn’t’ over and over again during a war documentary in his history class. What started as a defiant display against primary school teacher Mr Warcombes rather bad mood ended in the thousands of Germans, Austrians and American UFO abductees entirely rejecting the Nazi treatment and slaughter of millions of jews during the third reich. It also led to Fregold getting detention, a letter being sent to his parents, a D on his History report and Fregold himself being bought up in front of a war crimes tribunal in Geneva and hanged as a traitor to humanity. Other famous denying movements include the Saab Marketing Team, Lenny Henrys talent agent, Holocaust Denier Deniers, the Stoke on Trent appreciation society and the more generalised ‘Yeah, as if’ movement by 12 year old Annie Porter from Stockport. If she gets her way nothing will have ever happened and the whole world will be pulled screaming into a space/time tear the size of Vanessa Feltz.
126 Prophecies/Scary Prophecy/The End of Days
The End Time or End of Days has various meanings in different religions. The Jesus janglers reckon it’s a time of tribulation and the Messiah will usher in the kingdom of god. Your Jew will tell you its the coming of Mashiach, the anointed king. And a Muslim will point at the day of Judgement, Allah’s final assessment of humanity. Fortunately they are all wrong. It’s not as bad as that. Phew! Coz your average human doesn’t stand a chance against the erratic perfection of omnipotent god. (41 Puzzles/Mysteries/Omnipotence Paradox).
The actual end of days is a time prophesied by the Great Mungo in 150,000BC. You can now see the problem with this BC/AD malarkey. The span of recorded history is thought to be 5,000 years but little do scientists know, enlightened humans who could write have been around a lot longer. It was just that they were sensible and kept their numbers small so they weren’t a strain on the planet, and that’s why they don’t appear in the fossil record. Natural de-selection eroded this enlightened, god-like being until they became the fornicating, sex obsessed, planet plunderers we have today.
The Great Mungo 152,010 years ago foresaw the final battle between good and evil, between greed and sharing, between Bill Gates and Benedict Farse. All subsequent legends have been based on this one true prophecy: Cain and Able, Jesus and the Devil, Kylie and Jason just tawdry copy cat imitations. And Mungo in his wisdom decided to leave out the detail as to who was the good guy and who was the baddie. That is for you to decide. Who do you choose? The Lamb or the Beast? Team Gates or Team Farse?
The End Time or End of Days has various meanings in different religions. The Jesus janglers reckon it’s a time of tribulation and the Messiah will usher in the kingdom of god. Your Jew will tell you its the coming of Mashiach, the anointed king. And a Muslim will point at the day of Judgement, Allah’s final assessment of humanity. Fortunately they are all wrong. It’s not as bad as that. Phew! Coz your average human doesn’t stand a chance against the erratic perfection of omnipotent god. (41 Puzzles/Mysteries/Omnipotence Paradox).
The actual end of days is a time prophesied by the Great Mungo in 150,000BC. You can now see the problem with this BC/AD malarkey. The span of recorded history is thought to be 5,000 years but little do scientists know, enlightened humans who could write have been around a lot longer. It was just that they were sensible and kept their numbers small so they weren’t a strain on the planet, and that’s why they don’t appear in the fossil record. Natural de-selection eroded this enlightened, god-like being until they became the fornicating, sex obsessed, planet plunderers we have today.
The Great Mungo 152,010 years ago foresaw the final battle between good and evil, between greed and sharing, between Bill Gates and Benedict Farse. All subsequent legends have been based on this one true prophecy: Cain and Able, Jesus and the Devil, Kylie and Jason just tawdry copy cat imitations. And Mungo in his wisdom decided to leave out the detail as to who was the good guy and who was the baddie. That is for you to decide. Who do you choose? The Lamb or the Beast? Team Gates or Team Farse?
125 Animals/Humans/Mind
The common definition of mind is ‘that aspect of intellect and consciousness experienced as combinations of thought, perception, memory, emotion, will and imagination’. But that’s exactly what it wants you to think.
The mind is like the distant cousin on your mother’s side that you should not serve Sunny Delight. He seems alright but you never quite know what he’s going to do. One minute stroking the cat, the next exploding it to furry bits using anally applied fireworks.
If you think your mind is different, it is only because it is biding its time. You feel in control now, but there will come the day where it will post a steaming turd through your letterbox. Or shred your entire wardrobe with the garden shears. Or scratch every one of your music CD’s with a pentagram, and your DVD’s with a childish depiction of an ejaculating penis.
The mind is not to be trusted.
There is one way to get the better of your mind and that is to view it as a tool. An extremely imperfect tool, like the B&Q budget set. One day you accidently fracture your nose and lose an eye when the cheap hammer breaks and smashes you in the face. You then decide to pay up and replace it with the Stanley Fatmax range. What is the Fatmax? That’s for you to find out (see 333 Puzzles/Mysteries/Fatmax)
Never believe you are your mind. Descartes’ Cogito ergo sum: I think therefore I am, is wrong. Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum; I think that I think therefore I think I am, is closer to the truth, but still wrong. Find your Fatmax and realise the truth.
The mind is like the distant cousin on your mother’s side that you should not serve Sunny Delight. He seems alright but you never quite know what he’s going to do. One minute stroking the cat, the next exploding it to furry bits using anally applied fireworks.
If you think your mind is different, it is only because it is biding its time. You feel in control now, but there will come the day where it will post a steaming turd through your letterbox. Or shred your entire wardrobe with the garden shears. Or scratch every one of your music CD’s with a pentagram, and your DVD’s with a childish depiction of an ejaculating penis.
The mind is not to be trusted.
There is one way to get the better of your mind and that is to view it as a tool. An extremely imperfect tool, like the B&Q budget set. One day you accidently fracture your nose and lose an eye when the cheap hammer breaks and smashes you in the face. You then decide to pay up and replace it with the Stanley Fatmax range. What is the Fatmax? That’s for you to find out (see 333 Puzzles/Mysteries/Fatmax)
Never believe you are your mind. Descartes’ Cogito ergo sum: I think therefore I am, is wrong. Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum; I think that I think therefore I think I am, is closer to the truth, but still wrong. Find your Fatmax and realise the truth.
Sunday, 27 June 2010
WWW.CultComedy.NET
Our new site is www.CultComedy.NET. It is 145.67% funnier than this old site and 53.6% more likely to get laid by Emma Bunton
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