Friday 28 November 2008

3 PASTIMES/MUSIC/MUSIC GENRES

Claude Debussey said that 'Music is the space between the notes'. Nearly right, good try for a Frenchman. Music is actually the space between the notes and the notes themselves.
Music genre is the space between the ears of the musicians:
Industrial Metal : Heroin-fuelled looped-metal lunacy with 2 drummers, 7 guitarists, 3 bassists, 5 keyboardists and a bloke with a drill.
Emo : Promising intro, slow bit, fast bit, slow bit, fast bit, half time middle 8, lots of pissed off teenagers whining about ex-girlfriends, slow bit, really fast bit, fade.
Electronica : Baffling synthesised nonsense played by one slightly menacing french chap in a tank-top shamelessly rhyming 'Verona' with Barcelona.
Thrash : Psychotic 9-string bassists screaming 'war' over 600bpm drums with no thought to melody or listen ability - normally contains a couple of crouching singers. Popular with middle class 12 year olds.
Shred : Narcissistic rubbish.
Classic Rock : Lazy genre group for anything with a guitar in it made between 1970 and 1985.
Alternative : Lazy genre group for anything with a guitar in it made after 1985
World : The bit you fast forward on Jools Holland to get to Supergrass.
Ambient : Blackpool sea-life centre inspired chill out music for 6am Mancunian house club casualties.
Jazz : It's not out of time, you just don't understand it.
R&B : 'Sexy' music for tone-deaf chavs - and not chuck berry anymore. Has 8000 dedicated channels on sky
Nu-Metal : Shouty fat blokes spoiling otherwise good songs.
Lo-Fi : Short dysfunctional Glaswegians armed with e-bows and distortion pedals creating 3 hours of white noise using 'retro' analogue equipment i.e. a tape 4 track borrowed from their sister. (see also post-rock replacing 'short' with 'bearded')

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