122 HUMANS/ANIMALS/1980’s POP ICONS

What are they doing now? Well most of them are getting together to do reunion concerts in order to save the world from the Credit Crunch. The better question is what have they been doing up until now?It is widely appreciated that the legends of 80’s pop such as Nik Kershaw, Gary Newman, Rick Astley, Phil Oakley and Joe Dolce are musical prodigies the like that has not been seen since Mozart. Indeed some commentators remark that they are better than the classical legends, the main NME magazine argument being ‘Did Wolfgang play Live Aid? No! Kershaw did.’
Having contributed a vast legacy of influential, uplifting, world uniting and not forgetting catchy tunes, the Paladins of Pop all jointly decided to give further to mankind by joining mediocre local level bands. And such is their humility they also agreed to take on the minor band roles that no one really wants.
Astley plays third triangle in Shropshire based 10 piece triangle band ‘My Lumpy Triangle’.ABC front man Martin Fry is roadie for Christian Folk group ‘The Jumping Jesus’, despite his preternatural ability to nail the tricky bit in Kumbaya. And the genius that is Nik Kershaw unpretentiously plays the drums for Dad Rock Band ‘Papa Snax’.
Unfortunately ‘Papa Snax’ is managed by evil mastermind Lucius Von Sprout. Lucius plans to infiltrate society by booking gigs at schools across Britain. Starting by playing the glorious power ballads of the 80’s they will be come the darlings of young society and the most popular band in Britain. Slowly, imperceptibly Von Sprout will change the bands direction by slipping a few subversive protest songs into the set, such as Pink Floyd’s ‘We Don’t Need No Education’ and ‘Small Town Boy’ by Bronski Beat.
Over the course of years the band will evolve into the genre of Doom Metal and mentally influence the children of the nation, without anyone noticing. If Mr Sprout has his way the traditional heart warming Nativity Play will become a gore fest, with primary school children dressing up as bleeding Jesuses and playing Obscura Arcana Mortis by Forgotten Tomb.
The boy Kershaw knows of his plan, as he was told by Saint Jimi of Hendrix in a dream. This is why he joined the band. Evil shall not prevail. No one except Kershaw knows how to stop Lucius Von Sprout. But we do know it involves the snood, seven pairs of fingers gloves and the lyrics to ‘The Riddle’.