89 Food/Cuisine/The Great British Café

A fresh cup of deep fried tea is what makes Britain great. The only place you can get deep fried tea is Bernie’s Lardorium, Shoreditch, London, where today’s special is last year’s catch of the day.
Bernard Runnymede has such a disregard for basic hygiene that Microbiologist Monthly voted the Lardorium the most toxic place on earth. It is so pestilential that not even germs can survive, and paradoxically is therefore the safest place to dine.
Bernie has eaten from his own menu for the last 20 years. His arteries furred up and ceased to function in the normal way during the first year. As the arteries narrowed his heart pumped faster. Due to the enhanced stimulant properties of deep fried tea, his heart was able to keep up and push the blood around his ever-narrowing veins at close to the speed of light. At these speeds any attempt to resolve the forces generated by the blood must take into account Einstein’s special theory of relativity, namely that the blood started to move in its own frame of reference. In other words Bernard’s blood started to move independently of the completely blocked arteries, it started to move outside his venous system, indeed outside of his body. A nebulous mist of high velocity blood shrouds him. It is moving so fast that it does not have enough time to react with oxygen in the air. This is why Runnymede is completely blue.
In an effort not to draw attention to himself Bernard wears a pair of 2 foot long black floppy ears and gave his restaurant a Beatles Yellow Submarine make over.