Friday 3 July 2009

113 The Bible/Gospels/The Lost Gospel of Keith

It is not well known that many gospels did not make the final Biblical cut. There are at least a dozen gospels, including the Gospels of Thomas, Peter, Nicodemus and Mary Magdalen. The reason for this was that they contained stories that were even more embarrassingly implausible than the 4 that made it past the ecclesiastical censorship.
The worst offender was the Gospel according to Keith. Jesus and Keith were great childhood friends and inseparable. He would persuade Jesus to cause mischief with his divine powers.
Nails to rubber was one of their favourites, and they very much enjoyed running away from an irate, hammer wielding Joseph, who could never quite finish the wardrobe he had been working on for years.
Speaking in Lungs abused the power of omniscience and voice throwing. ‘Cut out the Rothmans Granddad!’ could be heard emanating from the rib cage of bronchitic pensioners. This was particularly unnerving for the sufferer not least because they had possessed chests, but also because they had absolutely no idea what a Rothman was 1,890 years prior to the invention of that brand of cigarette.
Walking on Daughter would see Jesus hovering above the women at the local synagogue, especially at Bat Mitzvahs.
Water to swine was one of Keith’s too.
Keith laments in his gospel that Jesus changed for the worst when he found religion and their fun loving relationship was lost forever. He also gripes that Jesus never gave him due credit for the ideas that he later developed and used to convert people. Especially the Healing Pig Tree. Not surprisingly Keith’s writings were ‘mislaid’ along with the Women Are Better Than Men Scrolls.

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