106 Relationships/Flirtation/Philandering

Casanova was an amateur next to Carlos Portion, the Stepney born libertine. Abandoned as a child he just wanted to be loved, and people found him irresistible. At any one time he is being tailed by at least 17 private detectives, hired by Carlos’s various jealous lovers. Half of the investigators will fall in love with Carlos and report back complete fidelity, the rest would be consumed with jealousy as they witness him fraternising with their own partners.
At the height of his prowess Mr Portion filled the Royal Albert Hall. In 1997, at a Sarah Brightman concert, 5543 people came to see him: his date for the night and 5542 private investigators. Ms Brightman was ecstatic as the previous night only her mum and Andrew Lloyd Webber had turned up.
During ‘I Lost My Heart To A Starship Trooper’ Mr Portion needed the lavatory and so the only people left in the auditorium were 2 Brightmans, 1 Lloyd Webber and the surviving members of 70’s raunchy dance troupe Hot Gossip. Detectives are cunning and so as not to appear suspicious didn’t return at the same time but queued for the latrine instead. Five and a half thousand detectives fed on a diet of doughnuts, coffee and ready meals relieving themselves continuously put a huge strain on the RAH plumbing and blocked the sewers. The stench from the drains in the Kensington area caused a temporary but not insignificant drop in local house prices. The auditorium gradually began to fill up as the PI’s returned.
The sudden emptying and subsequent slow trickle of people returning to their seat that night was rather like the action of a cistern and is often cited as the most succinct criticism of any Lloyd Webber production.