110 Humans/Needs/Drugs

Humans have been using medication to lift their spirits for millennia. More people die in one day from alcohol abuse than the combined annual deaths from pot, shrooms, ecstasy and acid. About the same number that die in 1 week from cocaine. Obviously the government’s war on drugs is working by reducing the menu of drugs available and encouraging people to take the more destructive and expensive substances.
On the plus side certain species are getting high for free. Jaguars, lemurs and bees love getting mashed. They chew bark, suck on millipedes, and even eat each other’s wax in pursuit of getting wasted. No fancy cocktails and dwarfs carrying bowls of processed coca leaves for these hardcore party animals.
In short we have forgotten how to do it properly. The media fill our heads with images of exotic bars, glamorous rock stars and gorgeous coke whores. People need a lesson from Agues McCatheter, Scotland’s premier tramp. No one knows the age of Agues, as he has always existed, but he looks about 59. McCatheter is completely resistant to the usual effects of alcohol and often uses it to sober up. His favourite tipple is his own urine; generations of Trampdom has produced a self-reliant species, his internal organs having evolved so as to turn any liquid into an intoxicant. On particularly heavy sessions Agues can be seen sobering up on the Diamond White and Tallisker at his local wine shop, Thrashers. Soon his golden elixir is flowing and mayhem ensues. On his last binge he was able to be ‘Best Pals’ with the whole of England and half of Wales, an incredible feat for a Scot. So intense was his experience that he completely skipped the ‘domestic violence’ and ‘the self-loathing, I love you, I’ll never do it again’ phases and settle nicely into reminiscing about 70’s television programs. Not since the Sag brothers (See 82 Humanity/Vanity/Plastic Surgery) has a town witness such bizarre high jinx. In 5 amphetaminesque hours he had shrunk 14 Churches and with ingenious application of super glue replaced them with 40-foot high ‘Towers of Cow’. He still had time to thrill the Turkish population of Aberdeen by eating a year’s supply of doner kebabs; the resulting ‘Tower of Salad’ exceeded the cows by 8ft. When the fight stage finally took hold, McCatheter created a mini Amsterdam in Scotland with loads of nakedness and windmills.