70 IDEAS/MONEY SPINNERS/DIETS

Americans spend $150billion annually on diet products; this is equivalent to the gross national product of Ireland, or a lot of Guinness and lucky charms. To loose a pound of weight costs about $600, so going from a 20 stone lard bucket to a svelte 12 stone costs $67,200. Not only are obese people lazy, unhealthy and weak willed they are also very stupid. It is simple: stop eating so much and get some exercise.
However, porcine paunch mongers are creative; It’s my glands, I’m big boned, genetic disposition, I am attractive, these train seats are tiny, but it’s the ‘good’ type of fat, no I couldn’t eat a whole one. This creativity feeds the diet industry, without fat people it wouldn’t exist. All diets are dangerous to the health and none of them work.
The most dangerous diet was the ‘Eat Yourself Thin’ diet created by nutritionist Keith Kineral in 1994. Keith was so frustrated with his corpulent patients continually going against his advice and raiding the larder that he hypnotised them and introduced them to a novel concept. Now every time they felt hungry they would nibble on themselves, thus satisfying the appetite and as bone and ligament are extremely difficult to digest they lost weight quickly. It was also known as the ‘Cannibal’ or the ‘All Pain No Gain’ diet. Not surprisingly, his patients died and Keith went out of business. At last Keith was free of the needy, self-obsessed moaning of unctuous ingrates, and celebrated with a pork pie and a can of fizzy pop.