9 ANIMALS/HUMANS/NEWLY WED COUPLES WITH UGLY BABIES

Soaked in blinkered enthusiasm, these smiling annoyances think dressing their unfortunate little offspring in a yellow bonnet and tiny George-by-ASDA trainers diverts from the fact that the creature in their pram resembles a large bunion trying to get out of an arse. Should you find yourself trapped outside Mark and Spencer’s on a Saturday morning with your car parking ticket rapidly running out, a simple method exists for escape. While you’re still stuck between pram and wall, tell them that a baby’s skin definitely shouldn't be that colour and you’re not sure but you really think thought you saw something moving under the skin on its neck; they’ll be in A&E quicker than a Yorkshire house-wife on St Patrick’s Day. Also note that the part of the brain called the ‘slop-interest sector’ is temporarily switched on, forcing the individual to rapidly detail the colour and consistency of the young child’s faeces while you’re having a quick yogurt-based snack outside Woolworths.