36 EVIL/ABSOLUTE EVIL/COLD PLAY

Whilst shaving, Satan looked in the mirror and finally confessed to himself that the Fire and Brimstone angle wasn’t really working. The innate goodness of Man was surviving. He called an emergency convocation and all the devils and minions of Hell did some crucial blue skying, thought outside the box, pushed the envelope, got on the same page, touched base offline. There were loops, 360 feedback, low hanging fruit, 3 way streets, big thinking, parking on line and by close of play they came up with the concept of Cold Play. This is the band that encourages people to play golf, join the Freemasons and offer Battenburg cake to small children. The constant whining, the misery, the affectations acts like a virus that has spawned many copycat bands. Fortunately God foresaw this plague and gave us ten fingers. Whenever someone creates a Coldplayesque dirge, that person is compelled to cut his finger off to teach himself a lesson. It is a very powerful evil, which is why He, in his infinite wisdom, gave us 10 chances. If all ten are lost then that person will not be able to play the guitar or piano and the spell is broken. Satan is really evil and has foreseen this, so included in the virus the urge to play wind instruments if all digits are missing, particularly the bagpipes. But God is book smart, and has programmed in them the desire to punch themselves repeatedly in the stomach with their bloodied stumps, so they will be winded and unable to blow into any breath related musical contrivance. Gruesome, but God is Old Testament hard core.
Armageddon will occur when Cold Play release a Christmas record involving bagpipes and a children’s choir. There is no coincidence that there have been recent rumblings of Pink Floyd reuniting. These are God’s champions and are getting ready to beat Cold Play to the number one slot. If things get really nasty and Cold Play team up with U2 in the name of charity, then Jimi Hendrix will be resurrected. Evil shall not prevail.