46 FIGHTERS OF THE UNIVERSE/THE BEST FIGHTERS/THE BRITISH

The British are the best fighting race in the Universe. This doesn’t mean they are dangerous. Lovely sense of humour and brilliant raconteurs; when they conquered the world they painted all maps pink, to tell the losing nations that they fought like girls. They view fighting not as conflict but more of an entertainment, like a dance. Every dancer needs a partner and as war is traditionally a very male domain, the Scottish wear skirts and makeup to address the shortage of ladies in a fight. The Welsh will often put vegetables on their heads to give the others a laugh when the going gets tough.
The British take fighting very seriously. They had the choice of any land in which to settle, and chose a cramped, damp island with long dark winters and miserable wet summers to keep them hard. When it became apparent that terrorism was a tricky form of fighting the Irish split themselves in two in order to practice. Even when relaxing the British are training for a scrap. The British Pub is in fact a Battle Gym. The English have made themselves immune to chemical warfare by drinking real ale, eating pickled eggs and breathing toxic fumes. Darts, better than a knife, got range and if dipped into a pint of Old Bishop’s Nostril becomes an instant poison arrow. Pool, good for ballistics and pressure points. Pub ashtrays are impossibly heavy and made of glass for a reason, training.
Americans can’t figure out why the British civilians are unarmed. Simple, guns are not necessary when you are that tasty. If you want to win a war get the British on your side. The Americans at least understand that much.