42 HISTORY/TRADITIONS/WELLS

Wells were designed to slowly drown inquisitive children. Although this sounds alarmingly harsh, inquisitive children were seen as pests in the Middle Ages, questioning the clergy on topics such as dinosaurs, the outer universe and the purpose of the feltch. Wells were put in large flowing fields miles from anywhere, alongside bags of mysteriously good quality pornographic material left to tempt the children even more. The bags were removed shortly after however when thirty percent of the country’s clergy also ended up down wells. The routine of child murdering still goes on to this day, although the disused Second World War bomb shelter is used in preference to the well in most cases. Well sympathisers still to this day lay down bags of Razzles and Escorts on railway sidings as a testament to this tradition. No one knows who these people are.
If you play the Beatles white album backwards you will hear the cry of a five year old boy whose cries were accidentally fired into space by a freak katabatic, returning 500 years later, drifting down the chimney of Paul McCartney’s Liverpool residence during an early Christmas members-only performance of the Quarrymen. The PRS are following the rumour up and will pay the murdered child’s parents ancestors £80M back pay for radio play should anyone come forward. Pete Best may not apply.