Unfortunately they do; normally from the ceiling, or from inside a wardrobe. If you squint really hard you can sometimes catch them cheering you on. This is perfectly natural. It is as natural as crying when you masturbate, but judging by the expressions of the other passengers on British Rail this morning, not everyone agrees with the crying rule.
This is also why mediums moan a lot when they are trying to contact the dead. A spirit wouldn’t bother materialising if there wasn’t a chance of watching a five-digit disco.
The largest spirit audience for a solo masturbation event was 42. This was recorded in 1946 when Lorna Pendrangle, from Frome Somerset, laid down for a Friday night fumble. Buffin the muffin wasn’t popular in the forties so this was considered a novelty act in the spirit world. Six generations of ancestors settled down to watch Lorna prepare the bean and fish taco. She was rewarded for her efforts by a rousing standing ovation. Understandably, Lorna was a little disturbed by the clapping coming from the ceiling and the five pieces of furniture in her bedroom, but it was the site of recently deceased Aunt Hattie trying to hand her a hairbrush that put her off slapping the happy hole for good.
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