57 PASTIMES/RITUALS/SUNBATHING

Sunbathing is proof that advertising doesn’t work. For centuries humans have been inundated with media instructing them what to wear and how they should look. Yet any lunchtime, in a park, on a hot day, thousands of wonderfully misshapen, beautifully deformed and blissfully naked torsos bask like elephant seals after the fish fairy has come to town.
The want of the perfect tan is one of the most powerful forces in the universe. So powerful it can override the most persuasive advertising campaign and hence Satan’s will. To prove this point advertising executive Brydon O’Yeah, strapped himself to a human size basting spit, that would coat him in a film of the finest oils, balms and poultices known to man. This contraption was then bolted to the wing of a plane, which later followed the Sun around the Earth, keeping his distance and angle of incidence at a constant optimum for 48hrs. All through this flight Brydon was subjected to a variety of subliminal, sexual and shameless advertising media, all the tricks in the Book of Beelzebub. At the end of the journey he was made to pass through Heathrow Duty Free in order to get to a mirror. He rushed as fast as he could, desperate to see the glorious result. There was a slight moment of hesitation by the soft drinks counter as these companies have some of the most pernicious commercials, and also he had worked up a bit of a thirst from the trip. But his eye caught the glint of the mirror at the end of the corridor of commerce and the spell was broken.
As with all tans, it wasn’t perfect. O’Yeah was slightly disappointed and wanted to get back on the spit to sort out his calves. But on the whole was pretty pleased when he noticed David Dickinson, just back from Bermuda, staring with jealous scrutiny.