66 SKILLS/COMBAT/MARTIAL ARTS

Globally there are over 1000 martial art styles in 29 countries, from Aikido to Xingyiquan. So who is the Daddy? All styles share a common goal: to defeat a person physically or to defend oneself from physical threat, and to develop the practitioner personally, mentally and spiritually. So with this as the criteria Jumble-Jitsu comes top.
This system, developed by Enid Butterworth at the beginning of World War II, arose from Enid’s austere experiences of rationing. The British Ministry of Food introduced rationing in January 1940 and it did not end until 1954. This provided Enid with 14 bitter years of hard fighting on the streets of East London. Like many Grand Masters before, Sensei Butterworth achieved enlightenment by battling her demon of chronic addiction. The path of excess leads to the Tower of Wisdom. Her obsession was not the glamorous Far Eastern heroin or opium dependence, but that of Victoria Sponge cake, a key ingredient of which is jam and eggs. The standard ration contained just 2 oz of jam and 1 egg, enough to make one cake every 3 weeks. At the beginning of the war she had a 4 cake a day habit, and this proved a problem. She developed a system to train her senses to detect diary and sugar based products from large distances. A rigorous physical and acrobatic training regime helped keep her fit and supple in order to manoeuvre herself to the front of any queue, and also to keep her weight down. Complex bartering equations kept her mind sharp and lithe; 1 wool jumper = 3 eggs and 4oz of jam, 2 pairs of knickers will get half a cake, if they are soiled and the Yanks are in town they could possibly fetch 3 whole Victorias with extra cream. Rumour has it that she could predict the delivery of butter and eggs to within seconds, and her elbows were so sharp and lightening quick that the mere act of rolling up her sleeves was enough to deter even the most ardent Jumble Sale goer.
She achieved enlightenment and freedom from her addiction in 1965, whilst queuing for the Harrod’s sale. As usual she was at the front of the line, running through her litanies, focusing her mind, the prize a rare cashmere sweater for the bargain price of 1 shilling. Eyewitnesses claim that a bright light surrounded Enid and a halo appeared above her head. She began to levitate and the cashmere sweater materialised beneath her feet, followed by 888 Victoria Sponge Cakes which, realising she was finally free of her curse, she distributed to the tired and hungry crowd. The mountain had come to Mohammed. She continued to train other housewives in the art of Jumble-Jitsu until she was called to the Great Bric-a-Brac in the Sky. As so often happens, the system has since been diluted by people’s egos. Jumble-Jitsu is now called Car-Boot-Do, and while an effective fighting art, is a mere Bakelite tea tray to Enid’s pure porcelain preaching.