59 SPORT/ULTIUMATE CHALLENGE/WINNING THE FATHER'S RACE AT THE PRE-SCHOOL SPORTS DAY

This is the most difficult race to win ever. Linford Christie, Allen Wells, Ben Johnson (both the runner and the playwright) have all failed. It is a race of extraordinary skill. If you come first you have lost.
There is only one way to win this race, and that is to come last. If you actually win you may be accused of trying too hard and being over competitive. The loss must be crafted and executed with precision. You must lose with style. You must let your son/daughter know that it is acceptable to fail, particularly in this day when everyone is a winner. Failure is part of success:
Arrive on the start line in spikes, and lycra all in one running suit - the streamline hood optional.
As all the other hypocritical father’s are joking with each other, and saying what a marvellous bit of fun this is and no one is taking it seriously, do a vigorous warm up of burpies and star jumps.
Psyche out the other dads by either staring, growling or shouting ‘you are going down!’ If they ignore you do all 3 until they notice.
Just before the firing pistol, shout out, ‘I’m doing this for you Son, I love you!’. Hopefully this will cause a false start and lead to more growling, staring and ‘you are going down’ing.
Repeat 4 until the race gets under way.
Let at least one person over take you. Dive on that person shouting ‘This means more to me than you, I won’t let you win! I won’t let you take away my dream!’ Grabbing hold of his trousers pull them down exposing his backside to the crowd. ‘Accidentally’ push your face into the cleft whilst shouting ‘ Oh my god, Bateman! I thought I recognised you’.
Release the man, sit in the middle of the track, take off your running spikes and throw them after the disappearing pack. Put your head between your knees and sob. Turn to your son/daughter and cry, ‘Next year, I promise! It will be different next year!’
Return to your seat, have a Pimms and talk about golf handicaps as if nothing happened.
Your progeny will never worry about losing again.